raindrops : I kind of understand what you are going through with regards to your ex. I had a few long term relationships but when I met X, it was just like…I can’t even explain it. I just knew in my heart that he was the one for me. I loved him more passionately than I have ever loved anyone in my life. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a healthy relationship. He didn’t communicate with me, he dumped me at least once a year for what reasons I never knew, he prioritized everyone else over me. I was so in love with him that I completely lost myself, I just lived for him. If you had asked me what things I liked or what I wanted to do, I wouldn’t have known. He eventually cheated on me, dragged me through counseling for 6 months, proposed, and then ditched me a short time later. And I kept sleeping with him, kept being there for him even though he was dating other women because I just couldn’t imagine a life without him. I had never, ever wanted anything so much. I’m not much of a romantic – more a realist, and I never really ‘got’ romantic tragedies but for the first time it was just crystal clear. I sank into a deep depression. I wanted to die. Life was meaningless. I kept on, but I was like a shell of myself, walking around, for 8 YEARS. I spent those years pushing every other man away, comparing everyone to him, thinking of him every.single.day, while he moved on. I was so destroyed that I thought I would never get over it. I thought I was completely broken.
But then one day the clouds parted. I finally truly understood that he was wrong for me, and that part of my passion for him was rooted in the constant drama, the fights, the challenge of ‘winning him’. Looking back, even though I loved him just an insane amount I don’t know that I was really HAPPY. I didn’t feel secure, I didn’t trust him, I didn’t feel loved enough in return. And then we got back in contact and he was flirting with me and I just felt GLAD I didn’t marry him, because he’s got a wife and 3 kids and that’s just gross.
I think there are some people we just ‘click’ with, but that doesn’t mean we should marry them. I know I will never love any other man the way I loved X. But you know what, I think that’s probably a good thing. That level of love just wasn’t healthy for me. And it takes more than love to make a partnership. He was a weak man and I have no respect for him. If he came crawling back, I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with him. I love my fiance very, very much, but for a long time I wouldn’t date him because I constantly compared him to X. But if I take that comparison a bit further…my fiance is strong willed, moral, loving, kind, patient, affectionate, and a respectful partner. I may not have the same all-encompassing passion for him that I did for X, but I am a hell of a lot happier than I ever was with him. I am my own person, and he is his, and we come together as a team. It feels healthy and right. It feels like a marriage that can LAST.
So this is where my advice for you comes in. It’s two-fold. First, REALLY consider what was going on with your ex and all the fighting. Look at your relationship for what it actually was, and try to separate your emotion from it. Was it really a healthy relationship? Was he really a good partner? You need more than love to form a successful marriage, so really consider whether or not you are romanticizing the past. You don’t want to go back to him and find out that you actually aren’t that compatible after all.
Second, consider the worst case scenario – you and your fiance break up and it’s awful, everyone hates you, you reach out to your ex, and he actually doesn’t want anything to do with you. Could you live with that? Would that be preferable to you than where you are now? If so, you need to break up with your fiance and take that chance. If however, you would be happy with your fiance if this ex wasn’t in the picture for you, then you might want to really consider whether or not you are REALLY ok with potentially losing everything.