(Closed) Engaged but Unsure – Detail heavy, need advice!!

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I Stay?
    No : (237 votes)
    84 %
    Yes : (4 votes)
    1 %
    Get counseling and see how it goes : (38 votes)
    13 %
    I don't know : (3 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    206 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I think the very fact that you’re having doubts about the relationship and his love for you is extremely telling. My suggestion? Back off the wedding planning, make an effort to go to counseling, and think about what you really want and if he is the one for you. Please don’t marry him just because you’re afraid of being lonely and feel like you have no other options. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1762 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @alliefly:  I totally agree with you…

     

    @DestinationMia:  I think you should take some time and go to counseling and really think about what you really want. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1855 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    It would be one thing if you two had had a conversation about his behavior and he explained what he was doing and you consented to it, but it doesn’t sound like this is the case.  He’s been sneaking around for YEARS.  If you are not okay with this continuing throughout your marriage, then it’s time for big girl panties.  It sounds like he probably has some form of sex addiction, and counseling may help, but if he has no interest in changing, then he likely won’t and you’ll be left constantly wondering what he’s up to.  I know I wouldn’t want that for myself, but only you can decide whether you want that for yourself.  My guess is that fear of the unknown and starting over, after a relationship that has spanned your entire adult life, is a pretty major hurdle for you.  But know that there are men out there who will respect you and your relationship in a way that your Fiance seems incapable of doing.  Best of luck moving forward, whichever direction that may be.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1019 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Wow. Okay, as far as I’m concerned, the internet stuff/sex talk with other women while jerking off and so forth, that’s cheating. At the risk of sounding harsh- I think you should leave. I think you should have left when that stuff started, was resolved and then continued. Bad sign.
    From the sounds of it, you are active and outgoing, while he is lazy and inconsiderate.
    If your guy wants to be talking dirty and whatever, he should be doing so with you. He should also be making the effort to plan things for you once in a while.

    Have you talked to him about wanting to do stuff? You sound bored and unhappy… I know you love him, but love won’t change him, love won’t make him the relationship type… and you can’t spend your whole life checking up on him and wondering if you can trust him. If I were you, I wouldn’t wait around to find out the hard way πŸ™

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2104 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I think you’re in a case where you’ve already invested so much time/energy into this relationship that you can’t see the forest for the trees. It sounds like your SO may have some sort of sex addiction…but then he could also just be an ass. It’s hard to say. There’s treatment for the former, but sadly not the latter….and the treatment only works if the addict wants help. I know it’s easy to say form this side of the fence, but I’d cut my losses and find somebody who actually respects me.

    Post # 8
    Member
    751 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I am so sorry that you’re going through this! In my honest opinion, I think it would be a huge mistake to marry this guy. I was in a relationship for 2 years with an ex, and his behavior was very similar to your fiance’s. I ended up leaving that relationship and was completely heartbroken for a period of time. However, I am now married to an AMAZING man. He has NEVER done anything to hurt me. It made me realize just how lucky I was to get away from my ex, because there ARE guys out there that won’t make you doubt them every second of your life. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life always wondering what your husband is up to when you aren’t around? I wouldn’t.

    *hugs*

    Post # 9
    Member
    934 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    That sounds exhausting, having to constantly worry and be stressed about what he is doing.

    I don’t know you, but I think you deserve better than this. There are so many amazing guys out there who will love and respect you, and won’t chat online to other girls or “look for more than regular fun.” There are guys who will help with household chores, and want to spend time with you at the beach, just going for a drive, or going shopping.

    Please at least go to counseling and seriously consider the kind of future you want.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like he damaged the trust between you two many times over the years & is making no attempt to repair it. I personally would view those online chats as cheating. His behavior has been the same throughout your entire relationship, I don’t think he will change. You deserve SO much better!

    Post # 11
    Member
    751 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Also, I don’t know whether or not you plan to have children.. but if so, is this the kind of guy you would really want to raise your children with? If he is watching porn/chatting with women when you’re cooking dinner, etc. then he would probably be doing the same thing when you’re busy with your kids.

    Post # 12
    Member
    5221 posts
    Bee Keeper

    If you want to spend your life worrying about his:

    – fidelity

    – Internet activities

    -trustworthiness 

    Sure… Then marry the guy. It sounds like you don’t want to be that person– so my advice is to take your own advice– which is doing what you know you should do and end it. He sounds very self absorbed and inconsiderate. Loving someone is great, wonderful and fulfilling. Loving someone who takes you on an emotional roller coaster is torturous. YOU can love someone to death, but if they don’t respect you and if you don’t trust them– it’s going to be a disappointing road to go down and a LONG road. I hope Yiu can recognize that you sound like a catch! Don’t get saddled to this guy because you’ve invested a lot of time and chances. You’re only 28! 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1404 posts
    Bumble bee

    He’s a workaholic because he spends half his work day talking to other women in a sexual manner.  Of course he doesn’t get all his work done in a “normal” work day.

    He wants you as his housekeeper/cook while he stills plays around.  This has been going on for TEN YEARS.  I think he has proven who he is.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1294 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I completely agree with the PP, it sounds like the fact that you are questioning it this much is telling you something here.

    I am so sad that you are going through this, and no matter what happens, just know that you deserve a happy life with someone who you dont have doubts about. I hope that you can work this out with your Fiance but if you do not, there is someone out there for you that will make you feel just like you want to πŸ™‚

    Post # 15
    Member
    4313 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    You’re studying for the Bar & he’s watching porn right there?

    Uh, no.

    Post # 16
    Member
    205 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    OH MY GOODNESS! Once you get away from him and get some perspective, you will realize what a heavy weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. This is NOT a man you want to marry or, in my opinion, spend one more minute on. You are a very tolerant woman, too tolerant! I would have been long gone the first time any of this nonsense took place.

    …and I’m dying to know who said yes to this poll. lol

    The topic ‘Engaged but Unsure – Detail heavy, need advice!!’ is closed to new replies.

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