(Closed) Engaged but Unsure – Detail heavy, need advice!!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I Stay?
    No : (237 votes)
    84 %
    Yes : (4 votes)
    1 %
    Get counseling and see how it goes : (38 votes)
    13 %
    I don't know : (3 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 62
    758 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I think you need to get out.  Now.

    This guy doesn’t seem like marriage material.  The bad outweighs the good.  I would never marry someone who displays that type of behaviour.  Why did he even propose if he never wants to hang out?

    Sorry, OP.  I feel for you – but i think you need to cut your losses and move on with your life.  Find someone better matched for your interests and who doesn’t spend all his time in strip clubs, with prostitutes and watching porn.

    Post # 63
    1848 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I cannot tell you what I would do because I cannot fathom it (hugs!), but:

    She-male porn is a little bit on the “bizarre” side of porn, but apparently there’s a huge straight male market for it. As Dan Savage says, gay men don’t look at shemale porn. If that’s your fear, I wouldn’t worry about it.

    It sounds like you’re not going to be able to trust him. Until you do, you might want to put the wedding off.

    Post # 64
    24 posts

    RUN far & fast.

    Then, go to conseling and work on your self-esteem, so you don’t end up with another wannabe Hugh Hefner.


    Post # 65
    2920 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    @DestinationMia:  To be honest, I think the reality is you are never going to trust him. Unless the thought of a life with a man you don’t trust makes you genuinely happy, it would be better to walk away. I’m sorry.

    Post # 66
    979 posts
    Busy bee

    Cancel the wedding plans, seek counseling/therapy and not make the wedding plans until the counseling is complete…even look into therapy,  voyerism for him. He could have a problem.  Voyerism is a problem. Google it. Just a suggestion.  Don’t make plans until you see if this works. If it doesn’t work, then walk away, you won’t have a date set, anything booked and no money to be lost. 

    Post # 67
    1585 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    The porn isn’t an issue, regardless of what he’s looking at (as long as it is legal stuff). The problem is him talking and getting off to other people.


    Step one: DO NOT SET A DATE. If you have one, postpone it.

    Step two: Do some soul searching. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If you do, go to counselling, talk it out, FIGURE A SOLUTION. The porn part…that’s just something you need to deal with. The talking to other women and having any kind of physical relationship? NO. If you don’t see yourself growing old with him and having a life with him, let it go. You may have invested 10 years into this, but 10 years is better than 50 years of regretting a decision. It’s never to late to start again.


    Please note that I am reading this in regards to him getting off to strangers he’s talking to online and hookers. If he’s doing that, the relationship “cheating” is purely physical and I DO believe he can break that habit. If he has actually had an emotional connection with someone, please disregard my advice. He’s a cheater and should be treated as such.

    Post # 68
    1069 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t want to scare you but I have to tell you about my experience. I was married before and I had doubts like you right at the beginning of the engagement… I went through with the marriage because it seemed like it was easier to stay and make people happy and of course I regretted it and ended up divorced.

    My advice to you is cool things off a little, focus on yourself, get counselling (couples and by yourself), and then really think about what is best for you. If you can, try to get support of good family/friends, it will help to make your decision easier regardless of what you decide to do.

    One more thing.. you said you’re scared of losing him. Are you scared of losing him or losing a partner?

    Post # 69
    94 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    My advice – run! Break the light and swim to shore. Seriously. This has gone on a long time…how come when he’s jerking off to porn he doesn’t just come have sexy time with you? He has already chosen – he wants his porn more than you. You come second, third, fourth. You aren’t a priority when you should be number one (like all the date ideas you have being put on the back burner). Don’t even attempt counseling. You’re 28, very young. There is another, better man out there. Many fish in the sea. This one needs to be thrown back – and don’t take him back this time. At almost 30, he won’t be changing, he will only pretend to change

    Post # 70
    1161 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @DestinationMia:  Leave ASAP. Your relationship sounds like it’s been unhealthy from the beginning. That’s no way to live and you’re selling yourself short if you stay. Plus marriage won’t fix any of his issues. He needs help.

    Post # 71
    175 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    See, if you told me you’ve caught him looking at porn every blue moon I’d say shrug it off. Mostly because I don’t think porn is a huge deal, but hiding the fact hes watching Porn in front of you while you’re willing to have sex is different. To top it off talking to other wowen sexually is cheating. Either tell him to seek help or leave him. 

    Post # 72
    3461 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Warning: Revived thread alert!  The initial post is 9 months old.  I don’t think the OP needs further advice.

    The topic ‘Engaged but Unsure – Detail heavy, need advice!!’ is closed to new replies.

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