- 4 months ago
Hello beautiful people
This will be probably a bit of confusing post but please bear with me.
I have been together with my current fiance for 5 years (engaged for 1). We were both 21 when we got together and are both now 26. He was the one to fall in love with me very fast… while my love for him developed slowly but grew stronger over the years. That is until two years into relationship he discovered his mum was having an emotional affair with her co-worker. He told me about it but then became distant and refused to talk about it. 3 months later he went on a road trip with a friend… and ended up cheating on me with a prostitute (no intercourse… but things that come close). It was a huge shock to me, but since he was the one to confess I forgave him. He became an amazing person afterward and we spent a beautiful year together… and although difficult I managed to forgive him.
Then two years later… he found new messages on his mother’s phone although she had promised him to end the affair if he didn´t tell his father. I should note that his mother was always his role model before that and the person he looked up to the most. He became extremely distant again… with good and bad periods. But I had a gut feeling that something was wrong… just as I was losing hope in our relationship he proposed to me. Things seemed to be fine.. until 2 weeks later after our proposal he went away to Europe again and cheated again…. with a prostitute. He was the one to confess, but I found out that he had planned on cheating on me even before he proposed (i found out he had called escorts before his proposal)
This caused me a serious shock and I became depressed for several months. I broke down and told my mum. I wanted to end things but he refused to let me go. He promised to see a therapist who told him he had acted out on me rather on his mum. He also developed anxiety and OCD after the incident. Somehow due to all of this, I felt sorry for him and I was the one being there for him and supporting him. He has been an emotional mess since then, blaming himself and trying to make it up to me.
A year has passed by since then I have recovered from the shock of it all… but I feel strangely distant from him. I also feel guilty, because he is trying so hard to become a better person. But I feel like everything has been too much for me. Also, because I told my mum she doesn´t like him at all anymore for which I feel guilty and is causing me great pressure.
Lately, I caught myself avoiding to tell people I am engaged.. because I just don´t feel like I am. I do love him and care about him deeply… I also worry about him and what would happen to him if I left him.
I should note that despite the cheating he has several good traits, we never went more than one day without talking throughout the 5 years.. and he has been a great friend and supporter. He moved to another country to be with me while I did my Masters.
I have suggested leaving each other several times, but he insists that we are special and he loves me more than anyone in the world and could not live without me.
I am in a terrible place emotionally and feel like I lost sight of what is right and what is wrong.
Do you think there is hope? Am I being too sensitive and should I be more understanding? Do you think getting married is a good idea? Does the experience with his mum justify what he did to me?