Post # 31
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
avintagegrl81: I’m really nervous for you because this does not sound like a good fit. You’re 34 and definitely want kids, and he’s “not set” on them? So what will happen if you get married and he’s dragging his feet about TTC, or decides that “not set” has become “set against”? Do you 100% want to be a mother, or would you be happy with a childfree life if he ultimately decides against kids?
I would take these canceled weddings and extra time engaged as an opportunity to make sure you really want the same things. Perhaps you two aren’t as much on the same page as you think.
Post # 32
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
If your relationship can’t withstand the stress of wedding planning (which is nothing compared to real life stressors), then it cannot withstand the stress of marriage and ‘forever’.
I would not be marrying someone who called off the wedding because our sex life and “funsies!” decreased. Marriage and life will hit you in the face like a ton of bricks if you can’t handle this now.
Post # 33
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee
I’m sorry honey, but it sounds like you need to move on. You’ve been together for just three years and already had such serious issues in your relationship, and aside from your mother being sick (which I’m very sorry about, that’s awful), it sounds like most of the problems weren’t from external forces. I can understand having ups and downs in a relationship, but if they’re changing your mind about wanting to commit to someone, that points to a more serious incompatibility. Neither of you are so young that you shouldn’t know your own minds by now. If it were me, I wouldn’t wait any longer for things to get better. I’m sorry.
Post # 34
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
I think you should straight up ask him if he wants to get married. Put it the way you did, and maybe that will show him how you are viewing the situation:
“I dont want to wait around forever for him to decide if i am good enough to be his wife or not.”
I think you should allow him time to think about it from your view, don’t rush into breaking up (but dont wait a year to make that choice either..).
As for your mom, I hope she can find a therapy or clinical trial that might help her feel better. (If youre in MA, dana farber has tons of trials and support). I am 100% sure your mom would not be happy to see her daughter marry into something she and her husband-to-be are unsure of. No parent wants to leave their child in the hands of someone who can’t support and be there for them forever.
Post # 35
Member
1171 posts
Bumble bee
avintagegrl81: Sorry, but that statement makes little sense to me. What does your parent getting sick have to do with getting married? If you feel like you’re getting rushed into marriage, that means you’re not ready to get married and make a commitment to be with each other through the good and bad, IMO. I’m not saying he’s not being supportive. Being supportive is one of things that FH should do, but there’s a lot to it than support. All I can say is that all I know is that when my dad was sick (he’s in remission now, Thank God), the only thing that kept me going on a lot of days is knowing that I was marrying DH soon and that DH couldn’t wait to get married either.
Post # 36
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
Personally, I was surprised to fin out that you guys are in your 30s. These are the problems of people 10 years younger. It’s not unusual for us to hear about guys in their 20s who don’t quite know when/if they’ll want to get married, but at his age, dragging his feet to actually marry you isn’t cute. It’s not insecure. It’s just plain rude. I agree with PP that he may have been placating you and isn’t actually interested in settling down. The reasons he gave are ridiculous.
Do some soul searching and ask your self the #1 most important question.
Do you really love him, NEED HIM, and want to spend the rest of your life with him, or could you be just as happy or happier without him? If you don’t feel like you MUST have him in your life to feel complete, that says something.
Post # 37
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
skunktastic: all totally true. i am working on getting into yoga and kickboxing to get happier on my own, as i feel that i have focused too much of myself on making him happy, and his life easier, that i have forgotten about myself and what i need. he is taking a cooking class to learn how to cook to help with that function, so once he starts taking initiative to do that, i feel that will help bring us closed together
Post # 38
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
I worked with a guy in a situation like this. He shared way too much information with us, so we knew what was going on. They had a wedding planned for May 2015. In March 2015, he called it off because he couldn’t deal with her temper. He moved out and all that jazz. He told us at work beforehand that he was calling it off. They reconciled in May and set a new wedding date of November 2015. In August, he told us he just didn’t think he could do it; nothing had changed. He was all set to break up with her again, and suddenly her mom comes into town and they plan a quickie elopment/DW in Maine for two weeks later. He was trapped basically as she caught on to his unhappiness. He went through with it. They divorced by Christmas.
Sometimes, it just isn’t meant to be. Getting married shouldn’t be the hard part.
Post # 39
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
breatheandrelax: my mom is sick with a form of cancer that is not going to ever go in remission. i value every day that i have with her, but there is no knowing when the day will come, and it may be sooner than later as her condition worsens. what was helping me cope with it was knowing that i had a partner, a team mate, by my side that was going to commit to forever to me, and that i knew my mom was going to be able to be a part of that since the wedding was going to happen so soon. now, i just deal with it on my own and try not to worry so much about the future, and appreciate every single day i have with my mom. i just wish i could see if we are going to be able to have a future together, or if we are not meant to be.
Post # 40
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
gingerkitten: the difference with this one is he might as well be 22 instead of 32. he started his own business when he was 14, and focused soley on that. even though he runs it with his brother and sister, they managed to get married and have kids, and he never had a real relationship because he was so focused on bettering the business. he has made efforts to try and balance work and our relationship since we have been together, but i am always feeling like i am on the backburner. i dont see the romantic gestures like before, and he is too stressed out with work to want to make an effort to do things with me as much as before. i definitely have alot of soul searching to do here. (he was single for 7 years before me, and before that, he was in casual dating situations, nothing long term)
Post # 41
Member
1171 posts
Bumble bee
avintagegrl81: I’m sorry to hear all that. I think you should have all of that in your life as well, but now I’m pretty convinced that your current Fiance is probably not going to be that person. Why would he postpone the wedding if your mom is so sick? Doesn’t he know that it will make you so happy to have your mom at your wedding and it will make her feel better knowing that her beloved child has someone to take care and support her. My dad’s cancer relapsed about one month before my wedding after less than two months in remission. His doctor, the top in the field, told us that he was that rare one in 1000 cases and basically the best they could do was salvage therapy. This cancer most likely cannot be cured a second time. The one cure that they could think was was not a possibility, because my dad was too old and weak to survive that kind of treatment. They didn’t give a timeline, but basically death was inevitable. Our wedding did not get postponed. It’s a freaking miracle that he’s in remission now. All the doctors are shocked. Sorry, bee, that you’re dealing with all of this, but my two cents is that it doesn’t sound like you’re with the right person. I’m sorry.
Post # 42
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
First of all, I am really sorry to hear about your mom! I’ve lost a parent and from my experience- it won’t matter how hard you try to become happy or work on things with your fiance, when your mother dies it will be a bomb of depression. I was miserable for a very long time. So if your man can’t deal with current-you, how the hell is he going to support you when she dies? It doesn’t sound like he handles pressure/stress well at all, he runs away from it (like he threw away both wedding dates last minute). Life happens, struggle happens, committed people support eachother. How do you think he’s going to act after the wedding, you think he’l magically change because he signed a piece of paper? HA. He’s not committed, he gave you a ring to buy time. Committed means the guy will marry you when/where/however you wants it to happen- at the drop of a dime even- because he just wants to be tied to you forever.
“I don’t want to throw away 3 good years together”— this is a super common reason women stay in bad relationships longer than they should. You think you’ve invested so much money/effort/emotions you don’t want to give up, but you really need to take a step back and see if it’s worth saving. Don’t beat a dead horse!
Post # 43
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
If you need therapy in order to “fix things”, you shouldn’t be marrying. Does he think life is all sunshine and rainbows, just like when you first met? With regard to children and marriage, his actions speak volumes. Don’t listen to his words, truly they are meaningless without action to back them up. I’m afraid I’d be gone, OP.
Post # 44
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
doberman: He does not have a lot of relationship experience. He has never had an adult relationship, and spent most of his 20s focusing on work instead of figuring out relationships like most of us did. I am the first girl that he has ever lived with in a relationship, and I am a first for him for many things. I feel like he is still growing into the man that he will ultimately become, but I was fairly confident that when he proposed to me, that he was ready to take the next step and get married. Just tonight, he said that he wishes that I was more Secure in the relationship. I was half tempted to remind him as to why I would not be secure in the relationship. I really don’t know what my next step here should be, considering a part of me feels that based on my experience in my life, he really was the one that I thought I was going to end up with.
Post # 45
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
yupmarried: I can’t help but agree with you on a lot of points. First of all, thank you for your kind words and your understanding. I feel though that he did not just propose to hold a place Mark, but I feel that he needs to be more clear on his intentions especially for the next year or two. I am definitely not going to sit here and wait around and waste anymore time in my life wondering if he is ever going to man up and marry me
Member
breatheandrelax.