Engaged ladies – how long did it take him to propose?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

We dated for a little over a year before getting engaged. But we were both established in our careers, financially stable, and not exactly spring chickens (I was 30, Darling Husband was 34). We’d both had a couple long-term relationships before, so we kinda knew what we were looking for and blessedly both recognized that we had something very special pretty early on. 

From what you wrote, it sounds like your SO is committed to you and serious about proposing within the next year. That sounds like an entirely reasonable timeframe to me given your ages, financial situation, and how long you’ve been dating. We are always saying to bees on the waiting board whose SO’s are dragging their feet, “this is YOUR decision too ,he doesn’t get to make all the calls!” – but the reverse is just as true. Your SO’s feelinngs about timing are just as important as yours. It sounds like you guys are on the same page in that you know you want to marry each other, but he wants to be responsible and wait a bit until being more financially secure. He’s not asking for 5 years, he’s asking for 1 – at most. I think this is ok bee. Try to just enjoy the here and now, and be thankful you met the one!

ETA: Now, if you come back here a year from now saying your SO failed to propose in the timeline and is avoiding discussions about it, that would be cause from concern. But as things stand now, I wouldn’t worry!

Post # 4
Member
11 posts
Newbee

tiffanybruiser :  i this that is really good advice. i am not engaged yet so i dont feel like i can really have a good input. I am the same age as fairydust91 and on the brink of engagement after a little over a year…i know the pressure you are feeling and like why not now. When i start to feel like i want to move forward with wedding plans and the ring would be nice to do that, i try to bring myself back and remind myself that the ring changes nothing. at least hopefully not! because that is why i am marrying him. because i want our relationship to last forever. and just remind myself that this time right now with no reponsibilities besides each other is very priceless and i do not want to rush through it and look back once i am his wife and there are kids and more stressors and wish i had just slowed down and loved him in the present. i know it is hard! but i think this is great advice tiffany has given! 

Post # 5
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

We discussed marriage at 7 months, when he asked me to move in with him. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. He agreed that we were. At 8 months, we discussed a timeline. SO wanted us to get engaged the following summer, so almost a year out – like you!

It was important to me that we be equal partners in deciding on a timeline and choosing the ring. So we collaborated pretty much from that discussion through to the actual poposal, which SO wanted to keep a surprise. 

Honestly, that year passed so quickly and happily. Because I was in the loop, my future wasn’t being held over my head and giving me anxiety.

We spent that year developing our relationship, hanging out with friends – we got a new dog, we started a new fitness and diet regimen, watched new shows, played new video games, went on some trips, etc. 

We got engaged ~20 months after our first date. 

Post # 8
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My fiance proposed one week shy of the 2nd anniversary of our first date (he was trying to wait until the day, but he got anxious). We’d had “the conversation” within a couple of months after our first date when I laid out my expectation that if I’m dating someone, I’m doing that with the expectation of leading towards marriage with it. I think in that conversation I also mentioned that I’d think I’d want to be dating someone at least two years before getting engaged. We were both 25 at the time. 

I’m probably not going to be very helpful because my Fiance was the one who was more anxious about getting engaged…he’s one of those “if you know, you know” kind of people and makes decisions very quickly when he knows something is right. I’m more of a long-term analytical thinker. I think if it were up to him he would’ve popped the question after only a year or so. 

Post # 10
Member
10 posts
Newbee

We were together almost 10 years before the proposal. The long time was a mutual decision but definitely because of me. We were so young when we got together that it was nice to just enjoy life and spend time with each other. We didn’t want to get married before we fully became adults. We probably talked about whether we see ourselves married 4 years into the relationship. We made a timeline on proposal and marriage about 6 years in. We decided that we want kids in our early 30’s so we would like to get married around 29/30. I knew we were going to be engaged this year but the proposal was still a huge surprise. I think it’s important that you guys discuss some concrete numbers. Tell him your approximate timeline (ideal age for kids, work backwards to your ideal age for marriage, which means proposal would ideally be when etc) and ask him for his. Talk about if he has any specific benchmarks in mind for when you would be financially well off enough for marriage. Then work with him on a plans with goals on how you guys can achieve those goals so that you can get married in a timeline that works for you.

Post # 11
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

fairydust91 :  

From the time you were officially a couple, how long did it take him to propose? 4 years

Were finances an issue? No

Did you have to gently nudge him or did he just go for it? More than a gentle nudge, haha.

If you had to basically announce that you feel it’s time – how long did it take after that? 2-3 years!

At what point would you have been annoyed if he hadn’t? Oh, I was annoyed the whole time. He had until our 5 year anniversary to propose or I was done. Our 4 year anniversary was 6/30/17 and he proposed on 8/17/17. We will be married on our 5 year anniverary next summer. I’m 31 and he’s 40.

I was SO impatient and anxious and felt just like you did! All I can say is take a deep breath, and try to be patient. It sounds like you have a great relationship, so just try to really enjoy every day for what it is. You will get there and it will happen at the perfect time for your situation. This is a very exciting time for both of you! 

Post # 12
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

We are definitely not the common way of doing things.

From the time you were officially a couple, how long did it take him to propose? 6 years

Were finances an issue? No

Did you have to gently nudge him or did he just go for it? He knew I wanted to get married, but he was against marriage for a long time. There was no nudging him no matter what.

If you had to basically announce that you feel it’s time – how long did it take after that? 4 years

At what point would you have been annoyed if he hadn’t? I wouldn’t. He was very straight with me from the beginning about his feelings towards marriage. I knew that it was very unlikely for him to change his mind. I also knew that I would stay with him even if we never got married.

Post # 13
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t let society make you feel pressured- either intentionally or unintentionally via what you see on social media. It just messes with your mind.

Two years might seem like a long time, but trust me, it’s not. Especially in your age-range, you’re both still doing a lot of changing and growing. Who you are today might be different than who you are in another 5+ years.

My fiance and I were together for almost 10 years before we got engaged. But we also had been living together for the past 7 years prior to that.

If things are great and you feel that he is dedicated to you, then he is. Sure, you’ll see all the FB posts. Your family and friends might ask when you’re getting married. Some might even try to put doubt in your head by saying if he was any good, he’d “commit” to you by now. Just remind them that marriage doesn’t magically mean someone is more committed. Look at the divorce rate!

Enjoy yourselves and celebrate what you have today. Work on your finances!! Please do that. It’s so important to help build your future together. Have a budget. Get out of debt. Be a team!! If you want a ring to wear, make sure it’s cheap and doesn’t interfere at all with getting you guys’ finances strong. There are beautiful rings to be had for even around $20… simple titanium bands (see amazon) or silcon rings that come in all kinds of colors!

Post # 14
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

fairydust91 :  Oh I just meant that we gave ourselves a year from when we discussed marriage. It sounds like that’s what your SO has in mind. I am 32 and Fiance is 28.

When we met, I knew I was only interested in dating people who likewise felt ready for marriage in the general sense. I was somewhat worried, given his relative youth, that he was just dating for fun. So I brought it up quickly – a couple of time within the first few dates, just to ensure we were on the same page. 

So basically, while dating, I filtered for guys who already felt “ready” – luckily I found Fiance pretty quickly! I think having that filter in place, and also being very up-front and confident in what I wanted from the get-go helped to move us along more quickly than me maybe otherwise would have. 

I will add that it sometimes wasn’t as organic as it feels looking back on it. If I really think back on it, I did have to explain my need for a timeline before he became comfortable with the idea. And I did hold his hand and walk him backward from having kids to show that, no, everything DOESN’T all of a sudden happen all at once once you get engaged, and yes, we DO need to start the whole process going some time soon if you REALLY want us to have 2 kids, and you want to wait until a year after marriage to start TTC!

I pointed out that I we should be TTC by the time I’m 35 if we want 2, in case we run into any issues, and so we’d need to be married by the time I’m 34, engaged by 33, etc. 

But once we had all those talks, and he wrapped his head around the “pressure” aspect of it all, he became very enthusiastic about everything. We had our timeline discussion in August, and he was giddily telling friends about our plans on a camping trip we went on in September!

Post # 15
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

We got engaged on our one year anniversary, but we are in our early 30s. I told him on our second date that I was looking for a relationship that led to marriage, and we continued to discuss future plans regularly. We began looking at rings around the 8 month mark. We had really open conversations about our timelines and plans almost from the beginning, so I never felt like I was in the dark on where I stood or timeframes. 

 

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