(Closed) Engaged Ladies: Please Advise, how to “wait” without driving the Mr. nuts!

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Darling Husband and I dated for 5 1/2 years before he popped the question.  I didn’t know when he had finally decided to ring shop/propose  – so I didn’t have that agony while I waited for a ring I knew was coming.  However, I did wait for many years for a proposal. Darling Husband proposed on Christmas.  THat fall, he sat me down and specifically told me that he would NOT be proposing over the holidays and he was telling me because he didn’t want me to be disappointed (I had been disappointed on past holidays/birthdays/anniversaries).

All I can say is this: I am SO GLAD that I was surprised!  I am SO HAPPY that he decided to marry me on his own terms (no ultimatum, etc.)!  And I am THRILLED that he did it in his own time.  

It was a really long wait for me, but it was truly worth the wait.  I know that he really wanted to marry me and that he wasn’t just doing it to appease me.   The utter joy and peace of being engaged was only made that much better by knowing that he truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with ME!!!  I know it’s hard – but I promise everything that follows is worth your patience – it will only make it better!!!

Post # 4
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We dated for over 6 years before he proposed. The most difficult part was our friends and family constantly commenting like "when are you getting engaged?" "do we hear wedding bells?" etc.

For more, the hardest part was not knowing. We didn’t go and pick out a ring together. Basically we had some serious talks about spending our lives together and when it was time it was time. The important thing is to be patient and know that it will happen. There are many reasons why a guy may not pop the question right away (finances, job security, etc.) and pressuring may only push him further away.

Post # 5
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I got engaged and dint even know it; my babe had mentioned it a year ago that " we need to get married’ that was the first I heard of it and it took me by surprise; we’re long distance and something had to give it was make or break; so I waited and waited, I thought ok if he doesnt propose to me this year it is time to move on I couldnt go on long distance anymore it was getting to painful

 

so we go on holiday to antigua then he started saying we need to get married we need to have kids, when we get back we’ll look at engagement rings—-my heart flipped because it was unexpected I was soooo happy it’s true a guy needs time and space to think if it doesnt happen then it may not and never pressure a guy it just makes him distant, this is what happened to the two guys before him i was getting impatient and thye broke up with me, so this time, I thought I would enjoy it and the time will come f it comes, if not move on, luckily he’s with me now

Post # 6
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

My Fiance had been together about 4.5 years and we started talking about it (last spring).  Occasionally it would get me down, the fact that it was kind of all in his hands and I had no control and I would get upset.  We had a couple of tearful conversations mostly along the lines of I don’t like how I feel like I have no control over this.  He just assured me not to worry.  This went on for about 6 months.  Last spring I was thinking we would be engaged by the end of the summer.  But we moved and he got really busy with work, and then my mom got married.  So by the time it happened in October I had pushed my internal timeline to before christmas and was actually suprised even though I knew it would happen eventually.  I think what comforted me the most was knowing that he loved me and that it was going to happen eventually.  He was really great about telling me basically that it would happen eventually. 

Post # 7
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would love to help you, but I am pretty sure I drove my Fiance nuts before he proposed. Before he did, when I knew it was coming, (we went ring shopping together) I told my aunt and friends how crazy it was making me and they let me talk to them about it so that I wouldn’t bug the crap out of him about it… but I still pestered the Mr. ๐Ÿ™‚

I wish you the best patience and hope that you are pleasantly suprised and sane by the time it happens. ๐Ÿ˜€

Post # 8
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Patience is a virtue!

Just keep repeating it in your head.  It’s super exciting to be engaged, but just keep in mind how lucky and happy you are to have your fella.  Rings are nice but nothing beats the man himself.

And in the meantime you have weddingbee.

Post # 9
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

My Fiance and I were together over 4 years before he proposed.  We moved in together after 3 years and I was happy with this but no sooner did that happen and all of these other people we knew started getting engaged.  I would say between our 3rd and 4th anniversaries that over a dozen people/couples I knew got engaged, many of them  hadn’t been together as long as we had.  You hear over and over that you can’t compare yourself to others and each relationship takes it’s own time but let me tell you how hard this made our situation.  I was so frustrated with waiting and not knowing if it was coming and thinking that all those other girls must have known something I didn’t.  It was definitely worth the wait though and by the time we got engaged we both knew we were absolutely ready for it and it was absolutely what we both wanted.  I was definitely annoying and moody at times but I did my best not to pressure him and I know that when he asked it was because he wanted to.  Not to mention I got to go to a LOT of weddings and had a really good idea of how I did and didn’t want to handle my wedding.  Just hang in there, it’s worth the wait, I swear!  Just focus on the other things in your life that make you happen in the meantime.

Post # 10
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

While I was waiting, I actually spent a TON of time planning in my head.  I had a  stash of wedding magazines, and I was on The Knot boards every day.  ๐Ÿ™‚  I tried to keep my Fi out of it, though, because I knew when he wanted to propose and I didn’t want him to feel pressured or anything.  He knew I was on wedding boards and looking at magazines, but I tried really hard not to talk about it.

My best advice is just to keep your mouth shut.  Sometimes, it’s SO hard.  My Fi and I have literally no secrets, and we talk for hours every day, but every time I wanted to bring up wedding or engagement plans, I just reminded myself to change the subject.  It was really hard, but when the formal proposal and the ring came around, he seemed just as excited as I was.  So, instead of telling your Fi, come on here and tell us all about your dream wedding!  I love Livingston, and I’m so excited to hear about your wedding plans!

Post # 11
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

Obviously I’m not the model of advice-giving on this subject – I wrote the post! If you want my hindsight, I’ll say that if you give him time and let him figure it out, you’ll get a "better" proposal – one that he’s had time to plan and consider instead of one that he feels obligated to do because he doesn’t like seeing you upset.

Post # 12
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Alot of men want the proposal to be a surprise, so even though you went to get the ring together, he still wants to surprise you, therefore he will prob wait a little bit, to throw you off. I know this is an exciting time, but don’t bring it up, just let it happen!

I had a friend that would pester her Boyfriend or Best Friend so much about proposing that he purposely held off longer then he initially wanted to, then, because he felt pressure, he proposed in an unromantic way b/c he felt that he had a deadline to meet (he told her they would get engaged after he graduated college) so right after he graduated she was WAY too ancy, that he just popped the question randomly and not the way he initially planned….( I know this b/c he told my Fiance.) So try not to bring it up, just sit back and relax, easier said then done, yes! But you don’t want to pressure him or force him not to have the surprise proposal he wants you two to have ๐Ÿ™‚  

Post # 13
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Perhaps the most frustrating part for me was that i tried to take things into my own hands.  I didn’t wait. I asked him.  Repeatedly….

I’m slightly less traditional than he is.  His response was always "Of course I’ll marry you, but we’re not engaged yet.  I have to do it."

Drove me nuts.  I in turn drove him nuts, and finally sort of gave an ultimatium.  He had 9 months to get it together and do it his way. 

 I threw myself into things i was really passionate about…school, volunteering on the election, decorating the house.  Eventually i got busy enough that i turned to FH and said, you’ve still got till the end of the year, but don’t you dare propose in the next 3 months, cause i’m just too busy to enjoy it.  (Little did i know he’d just picked up the ring that week).  In the end, i still thought about it (a lot) and bugged him about it (less than normal).  But he needed to be really sure he was ready first. 

Post # 14
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m no expert on the subject, but honestly the more you ask the longer it will probably take.  Guys like to do things on their own time.  Iif he’s waiting until "the time is right" to do things, and you keep asking him, in his mind the time won’t be right because it won’t catch you off guard and surprise you. 

Throw yourself into other things (family, friends, hobbies, school, anything you enjoy) and try to take your mind of it — I know, I know, easier said than done, but at least try.  This will give him the time to plan things just how he wants and in the end you’ll probably be happier because you will be surprised.  

Post # 15
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I was frustrated for sure.

We had picked the ring out in October and he’d been asking me to marry him since March before that. He finally "really" asked on one knee and all in April. It was driving me mad. Forget him.

However, i would bring it up and i am sure it frustrated him because I started to doubt his love for me or his serious commitment.

I am certainly not an expert. However, I think if you can keep from driving yourself mad, you are less likely to make him frustrated. I think men want to be able to make a big to do about it and create a great memorable moment. And of course this moment is different for all of us.

One thing to stop now is thinking that any great romantic evening or outing is going to turning "the moment".

My advice to keep from driving yourself nuts is to say go two weeks without even thinking about it. That’s right, each time it comes to mind push it out. It’s like yoga, acknowledge it and move on to thinking about something else, something else entirely. Keep this up until you are no longer thinking about it.

However, if it is drving you mad, then propose to him, unless that isn’t you.

The other thing, and this probably isn’t the best thing, however, it really depends on so much more than I know about you.

Some people end up dating 7 years and get married, some date 7 years and break up. If you don’t want to date that long, you could mention that you don’t want to be a person that dates 7 years.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes. 

And certainly, I am not the best voice of reason as I was going mad waiting for it to happen. 

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