(Closed) engaged, not engaged, engaged + planning the day!

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m a bit confused by your post – did you unilaterally decide to move to another state while you were engaged?  Or did your fiance agree to your move?  Or did you visit MI for a predetermined about of time to help your family cope with your stepfather’s death?



Post # 5
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not sure…  Did they like him before the first engagement was broken off?  I’m guessing that they did, from what you said.  And breaking off the first engagement was what caused them to now dislike him.

Well I’d first wonder, when he broke off the engagement were you saying anything out of hurt, to your family about him?  (It is natural to do, but when people express negative feelings about a relationship, those close to them have a hard time getting past what has been presented to them.  Especially since it’s the negative things that get expressed more often than the positive.  Regardless of you forgiving him, and mending feelings etc.)  I’d also wonder if there are other things going on.

If it is that they are upset by the break up, try first reassuring them that you are solid in your relationship.  (It can sound a bit scary for loved ones to hear your relationship was on, then off, then on. etc.  They might think one or both of you are confused or immature.)  Also, if they think he’s a jerk for breaking off the engagement when you were grieving over your stepfather, try to soften the blow.  If you decided mutually to break it off, make sure they understand that.  If he was doing the dumping, try to set them straight as to why.  (If you got back with him, I’m guessing he’s not simply a selfish jerk.)  Like you said, he thought you wouldn’t be returning.   Maybe he knows how much you miss your family and thought, "Well that’s that.  I’ll never see her again."  Was he a hero, for not trying to stand in your way, to go be with your family, even if he thought you might never return?

If there is more to to why they feel this way, that’s a different story….  Good luck.

Post # 6
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Did you guys actually break up when you were gone or did you just decide to postpone engagement/marriage?  And did he break it off as soon as you left or was it after you were gone longer then predetermined amt of time?  How long were you gone?

I think some more detail would help here.  Why exactly did he break it off, for how long, and to what extent?

Has your family met him?  Have they heard a lot of good stuff about him?  If the only thing they know about him is how he broke it off when you were dealing with tough times than maybe it’s just a matter of you introducing them to "the real" him.  Send them weekly updates on your life; being sure to detail all of the amazing things you did together and how great he made you feel… and include fun pics of the two of you together.  Your family needs to see why you are with him, so show them!  Defending the past will only get you so far, they need to see what your future together holds and why you want it to include him.

Hope this helps… and if you elaborate more maybe we can give you some more ideas.  Good luck!!

Post # 8
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I have a similar situation. Me and Mr R are both from IL and dated for 6 years. Then I initiated a breakup (long story). We kept in loose touch. Meanwhile, I went to grad school and he took a job out here in CA. We started talking and visiting and then began dating again. We now live together here in CA, but I haven’t seen his parents since 2004. My parents love him. His parents hated me. They are just now starting to get over it I think. They’re coming for a visit next month, so we’ll see how it goes…

 My point is that people will hold onto grudges sometimes, and there is nothing you can really do but continue to love your guy. Time will work its magic, and sooner or later everyone else will either come around or at least learn to accept things for how they are. Don’t let it get to you though, even though it is hard. If you and your guy are happy, that is all you need to worry about in this situation. 

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