Post # 1
Against my better judgement I’m posting here again (see my last thread for some laughs) to ask for ya’ll’s input/validation.
In November, my boyfriend and I are going to be booking our wedding dates officially with our respective parents! The issue is that we will be doing this before being formally engaged to our friends. So according to the definition I will be engaged to be married: the wedding dates will be booked. But I dont feel like I can be formally engaged without the actual engagement ring (hes proposing formally next year sometime).
A lot of this is for personal reasons and my preference. I’d rather tell extended family and friends that I’m engaged when there is an actual physical representation of it. I just find it awkward to tell my friends “hey I’m engaged because the wedding is booked but we’ll be doing the ring stuff next year.” It just seems awkward. I’d rather wait to have the ring.
The reason we’re booking first is mostly for cultural reasons and due to the ~2 years advance notice you need to give venues where I live.
I also dont think I’ll actually feel engaged…even though I technically am…I feel like I’ve placed too much weight on the ring as meaning you’re engaged. Its kind of weird because the engagement is when we book the wedding and the proposal will then be just a formality. Like hey we’ve already booked the wedding but let me give you the ring in a super fancy way. I hope you guys understand where I’m coming from and can offer me some clarity with your opinions/take on this. Thanks!
Also when would I take myself off the Waiting List? When I book or when I get proposed to :/ With the first option I wont even have a ring picture to show you guys.
Post # 2
personally I would think you’re engaged when you book the venue because the intention to marry is there. Actually if you know you’re booking it in a few weeks time and this will be witnessed by your parents, then I’d say you’re engaged now.
I think you have put too much emphasis on the ring. I didn’t have a ring when we got engaged. I don’t know what you’re expecting to feel when you’re engaged, how it’s going to be different but I felt no different after engagement or even after I got the ring. It’s an exciting time but you don’t suddenly feel that all is right with the world or constantly happy (possibly the opposite actually). You can always post your ring picture at a later point, you don’t have to post a ring picture to be engaged or even have a ring to be engaged.
But if you want to wait for some formality, you’re not hurting anyone and I don’t think there’s any etiquette around the waiting list.
Post # 3
To me being engaged is when you and your bf/gf has conversation similar to: “Will you marry me? – “yes”; “What do you think of getting married at xxx at yyy date?” – “sure”, “How about we get married? – “yes”. It is not about the wedding place or the ring, but about having a clear conversation with intention of getting married that is agreed by both party.
I also didn’t have ring when my then-bf proposed to me, but he popped the question, I said yes, and everyone congratulate us for getting engaged. You shouldn’t need to feel embarrased for not having e-ring. His intention of giving you ring in super fancy way will only be ‘the’ engagement only if you both agreed to it, otherwise it is just him doing a nice gesture that catches up with the original proposal, but not the engagement itself.
Post # 4
I do think people overthink this. I dare say people take different views, and each couple should do what suits them.
My first husband asked if I’d marry him, I said yes, I suppose I probably will, and he got excited and we rang our parents. There was no ring and when he later talked about getting one, I wasn’t sure I wanted one (love rings but was a bit snooty about the historical symbolism blah, blah). My love of sparkle prevailed a few weeks down the line.
I’d say that once two people have definite shared plans to marry they are engaged. I don’t really understand the “proposal” as a required and separate entity. I happen to have been proposed to both times, once without and once with a ring, but I’d have thought it was more of a discussion for most couples these days. I think I got proposed to because I’m not religious and not massively marriage minded (for myself) so if they hadn’t taken initiative I’d have plodded happily along whistling with my hands in my pockets. I was with my second and current husband 11 years before getting engaged!
It sounds like you, like me, find a formal proposal peculiar when you’ve both already agreed to marry and booked a wedding so why not just go out ring shopping together next year or sooner with a Champagne lunch thrown in. Tell him you don’t need a formal proposal. If people ask about how he proposed, just say it wasn’t like that, it was something you both talked about and wanted.
What do other couples do in your country/culture?
Post # 5
neither of your options. you are engaged when you agree to get married. we were engaged before the ring arrived. there was a delay with the designer due to his wife passing away. we talked about it and i said i didn’t want to wait. i considered us engaged, by DH still wanted to do the big proposal.
so we agreed to get married a few weeks later he did his big proposal and a few weeks later the ring arrived. we booked the venue maybe a week or so after that.
i considered us engaged from the time we agreed to be married.
Post # 6
Engagement is just an agreement to marry. Nothing has to be booked or bought.
Post # 7
Agreed that being engaged means agreeing to be married, however that happens. It is not necessary to have a ring, a venue, or a formal proposal.
Post # 8
“neither of your options. you are engaged when you agree to get married.” Agreed.
I have a niece who doesn’t have her ring or her venue/date set yet and she’s engaged because her fiance asked her to marry him and she said yes. They’re having a ring custom made which could take several more weeks and they’re trying to set a wedding date when most overseas relatives will be able to come (she and her fiance have overseas relatives in Italy, Australia & England & we’re in Canada), it’s not going to be do-able for everyone but she and her fiance and her mom are wading through the logistics/ possible dates before looking at venues. But IMO- and, more importantly, their opinion, they’re every bit as engaged as a couple with a venue and a sparkly.
Post # 9
I agree with PP – engaged is an agreement to get married. We went away 6 months ago and agreed to get married this past summer while we were on our trip. It seemed sudden to everyone when I said 2 months before our date that we are getting married, we only got the rings maybe a week before we tied the knot.
Post # 10
In my opinion, a couple is engaged whenever they feel like that term fits them. DH and I had already decided on a venue and chosen a wedding date before he “proposed” because having a proposal story was important to him. Some of my friends got engaged when they first had the “let’s get married” conversation, then went together weeks later to pick out a ring.
Post # 11
The rules are up to you! Wait till you have a ring to announce if thats what you want to do.
Post # 12
You’re engaged when two people agree to marry, in my opinion. So if you’ve booked the venue you’re engaged!
Post # 13
- Wedding: December 1969 - City, State
A ring tells the world that you are engaged but you don’t need one to be engaged. If you know, he knows, and the intention to marry is clear then you are as engaged as anyone with an e ring!
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
Your poll is missing the key statement: a couple is engaged when they agree to get married. You don’t need a ring or a venue, just a mutual agreement.
Different individuals have different preferences, like wanting to wait for a ring to feel it is official. That’s fine, to each their own, but is not the ring what really gives you the engaged status.
Post # 15
Do what you want obviously, but I think you are overthinking this. You are thinking other people will care just as much about the ins and outs of this as you do–They won’t. If you tell people you are engaged then they will think you are. Nobody else is going to sit down and analyze this.
Sometimes I think people way overestimate how much time a person spends thinking about other people. Most people are way too busy thinking about themselves.