(Closed) Engaged officially but not formally?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: You're engaged when

    You have the ring

    You've booked your wedding date. No ring necessary

  • Post # 2
    Member
    2237 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    View original reply
    weatherbee :  personally I would think you’re engaged when you book the venue because the intention to marry is there. Actually if you know you’re booking it in a few weeks time and this will be witnessed by your parents, then I’d say you’re engaged now. 

    I think you have put too much emphasis on the ring. I didn’t have a ring when we got engaged. I don’t know what you’re expecting to feel when you’re engaged, how it’s going to be different but I felt no different after engagement or even after I got the ring. It’s an exciting time but you don’t suddenly feel that all is right with the world or constantly happy (possibly the opposite actually). You can always post your ring picture at a later point, you don’t have to post a ring picture to be engaged or even have a ring to be engaged.

    But if you want to wait for some formality, you’re not hurting anyone and I don’t think there’s any etiquette around the waiting list.

    Post # 3
    Member
    721 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    weatherbee :  To me being engaged is when you and your bf/gf has conversation similar to: “Will you marry me? – “yes”; “What do you think of getting married at xxx at yyy date?” – “sure”, “How about we get married? – “yes”. It is not about the wedding place or the ring, but about having a clear conversation with intention of getting married that is agreed by both party.

    I also didn’t have ring when my then-bf proposed to me, but he popped the question, I said yes, and everyone congratulate us for getting engaged. You shouldn’t need to feel embarrased for not having e-ring. His intention of giving you ring in super fancy way will only be  ‘the’ engagement only if you both agreed to it, otherwise it is just him doing a nice gesture that catches up with the original proposal, but not the engagement itself.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2345 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I do think people overthink this. I dare say people take different views, and each couple should do what suits them.

    My first husband asked if I’d marry him, I said yes, I suppose I probably will, and he got excited and we rang our parents. There was no ring and when he later talked about getting one, I wasn’t sure I wanted one (love rings but was a bit snooty about the historical symbolism blah, blah). My love of sparkle prevailed a few weeks down the line. 

    I’d say that once two people have definite shared plans to marry they are engaged. I don’t really understand the “proposal” as a required and separate entity. I happen to have been proposed to both times, once without and once with a ring, but I’d have thought it was more of a discussion for most couples these days. I think I got proposed to because I’m not religious and not massively marriage minded (for myself) so if they hadn’t taken initiative I’d have plodded happily along whistling with my hands in my pockets. I was with my second and current husband 11 years before getting engaged!

    It sounds like you, like me, find a formal proposal peculiar when you’ve both already agreed to marry and booked a wedding so why not just go out ring shopping together next year or sooner with a Champagne lunch thrown in. Tell him you don’t need a formal proposal. If people ask about how he proposed, just say it wasn’t like that, it was something you both talked about and wanted. 

    What do other couples do in your country/culture?

    Post # 5
    Member
    9524 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    neither of your options.  you are engaged when you agree to get married.  we were engaged before the ring arrived.  there was a delay with the designer due to his wife passing away.  we talked about it and i said i didn’t want to wait.  i considered us engaged, by DH still wanted to do the big proposal.

    so we agreed to get married a few weeks later he did his big proposal and a few weeks later the ring arrived.  we booked the venue maybe a week or so after that.

    i considered us engaged from the time we agreed to be married.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3235 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    Engagement is just an agreement to marry. Nothing has to be booked or bought.

    Post # 7
    Member
    13607 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Agreed that being engaged means agreeing to be married, however that happens. It is not necessary to have a ring, a venue, or a formal proposal. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    ajillity81 :  “neither of your options.  you are engaged when you agree to get married.” Agreed.

    I have a niece who doesn’t have her ring or her venue/date set yet and she’s engaged because her fiance asked her to marry him and she said yes. They’re having a ring custom made which could take several more weeks and they’re trying to set a wedding date when most overseas relatives will be able to come (she and her fiance have overseas relatives in Italy, Australia & England & we’re in Canada), it’s not going to be do-able for everyone but she and her fiance and her mom are wading through the logistics/ possible dates before looking at venues. But IMO- and, more importantly, their opinion, they’re every bit as engaged as a couple with a venue and a sparkly. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    2404 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I agree with PP – engaged is an agreement to get married. We went away 6 months ago and agreed to get married this past summer while we were on our trip. It seemed sudden to everyone when I said 2 months before our date that we are getting married, we only got the rings maybe a week before we tied the knot. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    331 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    In my opinion, a couple is engaged whenever they feel like that term fits them. DH and I had already decided on a venue and chosen a wedding date before he “proposed” because having a proposal story was important to him. Some of my friends got engaged when they first had the “let’s get married” conversation, then went together weeks later to pick out a ring. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    9575 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    The rules are up to you! Wait till you have a ring to announce if thats what you want to do.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2662 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    You’re engaged when two people agree to marry, in my opinion. So if you’ve booked the venue you’re engaged!

    Post # 13
    Member
    480 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 1969 - City, State

    A ring tells the world that you are engaged but you don’t need one to be engaged. If you know, he knows, and the intention to marry is clear then you are as engaged as anyone with an e ring! 

    Post # 14
    Member
    6309 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

    Your poll is missing the key statement: a couple is engaged when they agree to get married.  You don’t need a ring or a venue, just a mutual agreement.

    Different individuals have different preferences, like wanting to wait for a ring to feel it is official.  That’s fine, to each their own, but is not the ring what really gives you the engaged status.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1490 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Do what you want obviously, but I think you are overthinking this.  You are thinking other people will care just as much about the ins and outs of this as you do–They won’t.  If you tell people you are engaged then they will think you are.  Nobody else is going to sit down and analyze this.  

    Sometimes I think people way overestimate how much time a person spends thinking about other people.  Most people are way too busy thinking about themselves.  

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