- 10 years ago
- Wedding: October 2018
Hi, I’m new here… and I wish my first post didn’t have to be about STRESS!
My fiance and I have only been engaged one day, and already my family is driving me nuts. Isn’t it supposed to be the future in-laws that do this stuff?
Anyway, we called and told everyone in our immediate family after he proposed yesterday, and everything was fine. Today, I made some second-round calls to my mom (who had tried to call me 10 times already) and friends, etc. This is when the stress starts.
I’m walking around trying to find some bridal magazines to buy, talking to my mom. She asks (for the second time) whether we’ve set a date. I tell her no, we haven’t even talked about it, but probably about a year from now.
She asks, "Do you want me to ask the preacher at church if he can do it?" My answer was NO, for many reasons. The most important one: I don’t even go to that church, I never have! My fiance and I live 500 miles away from our families right now, as I am training for my job. I don’t even KNOW the preacher, why would she assume I was going to have him do it?
So, after I tell her "no", she says "But, I go to that church, so does your brothers." And again, I patiently tell her "Yea, but I don’t, and FH doesn’t… and I’m not even sure I want it in a church."
Fast forward a few moments, and I try to change the subject to a friend of mine’s honeymoon in Disneyland, and how fun it looked from the pictures. To this, my mom’s reply was "Yea, I’ve been looking at honeymoon packages online that I was going to get and give to you all, but if you have somewhere specific then let me know."
WHAT?! Was she seriously just going to buy a honeymoon package and give it to us? Generosity aside, doesn’t she think that we may want to CHOOSE where we go? And why wouldn’t she at least ASK me? I ended up telling her that FH & I want to look at packages ourselves and decide what we can afford, etc.
A few minutes later, she is telling me that she’s already getting a list together of people to invite. I tell her that’s great, but we’ll have to go through it, because I’m not sure how many guests FH & I will want to have. She was talking about people from her work, that I have only met once (or not at all). Why should I worry about paying for all those people that I barely know to come?
Other parts of the conversation included her assuming that my youngest brother would be the ring-bearer, and apparently she’d already told him he would be. (We do plan on him being the ring-bearer, but what if we hadn’t?) She also said that my aunt (her sister) would want to do the catering, to which I replied "And WHEN did she start catering?" (She just started!) I tried to politely (and yet seriously) express to her that I wouldn’t want a family member to do the catering, because I dislike confrontation anyway… and it would just complicate things. I would be afraid I was hurting a family member’s feelings if I disagreed with them on a menu choice, etc.
Many times I tried to change the subject or talk about an aspect that she wasn’t making me feel uncomfortable with. I talked about choosing bridesmaids, and how it was going to be difficult because of my mainly-male side of the family. I told her that I would almost like to just have bridesmaids & groomsmen, no maid-of-honor or best-man, so that I could avoid choosing one to stand above the rest. But the problem with that was, FH really wants his dad to be his best-man. My mom’s response? "Well, I could always be the Matron of Honor." I should’ve known!!!
I never expected to have to deal with this so soon in our engagement. The really sad part is that it’s already sapping my enthusiasm for wedding planning. It makes me nervous also, thinking about the finances of the wedding. FH & I are just starting out and don’t have much money, but we could make do with what we can afford ourselves. My mom is insisting that she pay for most everything, even though I have no idea where she’d get the money or how much she’s talking about giving us. Plus, I’m afraid to take any money from her for the wedding, because that might make her think she can be more pushy!
To top it all off, I just got off the phone with one of my brother’s girlfriends, who I am pretty good friends with. They have been dating for five years, so I will most likely ask her to be a bridesmaid. Apparently though, my mom has beaten me to the punch. His girlfriend said that my mom had mentioned how she’d better be saving her money, as bridesmaids dresses are expensive. Luckily, his girlfriend laughed with me about my mom’s assumptions… but thank God we were probably going to ask her anyway!
So… I’m sorry for such a long post, full of ranting… but I really have nobody else to talk to about this (besides FH). I need an outside opinion, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about my problems with my mom to friends or FH’s family. Any help or advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!