(Closed) "Engaged" or just a ring?

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Just ask yourself this question ..”is this the man I see myself with for the rest of my life” if the answer is yes then stop sweating the small stuff. If he is willing and wants to tell his family/friends in person RESPECT that..it’s OK. Just because EVERYONE doesn’t know yet doesn’t make it less special.  

If you are not sure about the answer ..there is much more going on here. 

You got the man, you got the ring yet you are looking for problems (at least it seems that way to me)…so stop and just enjoy the experience!!!

Post # 3
76 posts
Worker bee

Can I ask how you pushed? 

I’m not sure what to say here other than I’m sorry it doesn’t feel good to you, I’m usually of the persuadion that of it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t, 

Maybe more.details would help us give advice x 

Post # 4
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I am going to disagree with 

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I would be worried that he doesn’t want to tell his family just because “he wants to do it in person”. He could be using Skype or Facetime for that matter, so that he can see their reactions. Also, I have yet to meet a man who was excited to get married and decided to keep it from his family -they were all really proud to be engaged to the woman they loved.

The not calling you fiancee thing is also weird. I mean, I understand he not doing it all the time (I also had some trouble adjusting to calling my now-husband Fiance and DH at the time), but..do he present you to friends as his FI? I would also say, how long was it since he proposed?

The fact that he isn’t willing to talk about your marriage plans is also alarming for me. I mean, it is YOUR life too. 

Overall…I am sorry but, I do believe he felt pressured to proposed. He might have donde it just so you’d stop asking him to, and hoped that once you were “engaged” you would back off. Now that he has seen that it didn’t work “as planned” he might be having second thoughts. You need to have a serious conversation with him because, as I pointed out before, this is now also YOUR life.

Post # 5
1807 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
ellekay17 :  usually when you have a ‘feeling’, you can be pretty sure there’s something to it (at for me). 

I guess I can see him wanting to tell everyone in person. Have you guys made plans to go to see his family soon so he can tell them?

Have you set a date? It’s fine that it’s in 2 years – but if he won’t set a specific day that would make me nervous. If he’s willing to say ‘ok June 22’ then you can work towards that. You can start thinking about venues. You can start looking at caterers, florests, etc…if he says ‘it’s too far away I don’t want to think about it yet’, then I would consider it more of a promise ring than engagement ring 

Post # 6
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
ellekay17 :  

1. I don’t live near any of my family. I still called my mom, grandparents, and sisters (the only family I am remotely close to) the very next day to share my news. It doesn’t make sense to wait if you wont see family soon. We DID wait to tell his family because we were going to see them in about a week.

2. It took me over a month to get used to calling him my fiance. It took him longer.

3. It’s common to have a longer engagement since you two haven’t been together very long. Just come to an agreement – maybe meet in the middle at 1.5 yrs?

Post # 7
3440 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

1.) This would bother me in your situation. He has no idea when he will see his family next and Skype is available. Fiance made a point to call his parents the day we got engaged and that was long distance from Costa Rica.

2.) It takes some peeple awhile to get used to saying fiance. We’ve been engaged since June and have both only said it a couple times. Wouldn’t worry about it.

3.) If you agreed on a one year timeline then don’t just drop it and never bring it up again. Communicate. You should be free to discuss things like this.

4.) If something doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t.

5.) You might be expecting more than necessary if you’re looking for ongoing sparkle and excitement but I understand why his behavior has you feeling doubtful.

Post # 8
264 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ellekay17 :  First, I agree with PPs that if it doesn’t feel right you should ask yourself why and make sure this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. That being said, I also waited about a month (maybe longer) before announcing my engagement because I wanted to tell my family in person. I did call my parents and best friends but that’s it. I also wanted to wait two years to get married because wedding planning is stressful. We had been together 5 years before getting engaged yet I still wanted to wait. We’ve been engaged for a year now and I decided to set the date for around the 1.5 year mark but I still don’t call him my fiance because I think it sounds pretentious. So as you can see some of my thoughts are similar to your FH and yet I completely love my FH and want to marry him more than anything. Wedding stuff just doesn’t excite me. Marriage stuff does. I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel.  Hope that helps. 


Post # 9
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

You’re not engaged. Engagements aren’t confusing. 

You didn’t “push” him into this. There are plenty of men who felt “pushed” and chose to break up with the woman, not propose to her. He’s not so stressed from work that he can’t answer questions about something he did, either. He’s treating you like an inconvenience. 

Ask him what the point of the ring is. Don’t accept any answer that involves anything like “pushing” or “stress from work”. If he gives you a fake answer, avoids answering, or gets mad, give him back the ring and end the “engagement”. That may sound harsh and rash, but it isn’t because he’s not really interested in marrying you. He has basically thrown a ring and the title of fiancée at you; that’s not how you treat someone you care about. 

Don’t worry about losing him, because if asking the man who proposed to you, “Are we engaged?”, causes him to get mad, you’re better off without him.

Post # 10
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
ellekay17 :  Wanting to tell important people in person is sweet when it can be done within a reasonable time. When it means not being able to tell them for months, it’s an excuse. Like someone else said, he could Facetime them or Skype or just call. When something is important to people, they do it. If he wanted to tell his family, he’d find a way. He doesn’t want to be engaged.

Post # 11
7527 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I could see waiting to tell his family in person if he had concrete plans to visit them within the next 2-3 weeks or so, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Both Fiance and I live far away from our parents, but we Facetimed them within 24 hours to share the news, and also called all other close family/friends. It did take some time to get used to being engaged, especially saying the word “fiance,” but that’s not because we weren’t sure about what we were doing…it’s just an adjustment.

Anyway I wouldn’t blame yourself for pressuring him. He’s an adult..he can make his own decisions. I would just sit him down and have a candid talk about how his inaction is making you feel and see if you can get to the bottom about what’s motivating him. Maybe his hesitance to tell his fam has nothing to do with you…maybe he just has a weird relationship with them and is awkward about this stuff?? 

Post # 12
34 posts

This was a ring to placate you and buy himself some time. 

Post # 13
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I also pushed my husband into marriage… in fact i asked him to marry me. But we dated 5 years before my switch flipped. He actually said no to me and lay down his demands and conditions. We were only engaged for a month. We signed a paper and that was that. No flashy announcement didnt care who he told no wedding besides a dinner at my i lawsa w our closest family and friends within a  few days notice.  Either do it fast with no wedding or wait it out on his terms. I mean you already got what you wanted right?

Post # 14
180 posts
Blushing bee

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1. My Fiance and I told all our family in person (minus some people who lived interstate) We also asked for the friends and family we had told to not put it on any social media yet because we hadn’t had a chance to tell our grandparents and didn’t want them to find out through the grape vine. It actually took us about a month to tell everyone we wanted to in person… If he still hasn’t told his family in let’s say another month I’d be asking why.

We still haven’t put it on social media, we got engaged in March last year, and it just feels too late now haha. We will just update when we are married, the people we want to know know so it’s all good!

2. To be honest, I felt like a bit of a dick saying fiancé at first. But I do it now with no issue. I’m sure he is just getting used to it too.

3. Our engagement will be for nearly 2 years (got engaged in March 2016, Wedding date is set for Feb 2018) and that is what we were both happy with, I agree with the user above that you might need to meet in the middle (an extra 6 months is more planning and saving time! bonus!)


Post # 15
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
ellekay17 :  I am with you Fiance here. I didn’t tell my family we were engaged until I saw them in-person for the next time, and avoided calling Fiance fiancé until then (actually, I still hate the word and tend to call him my other/better half/partner/anything but fiancé if I can avoid it).

I was raised to deliver important news in-person and I avoided telling people “less important” than my family, because I wanted them to know first. I still wore the ring and told friends I am particularly close with. We will get married 18months from the engagement because we half-heartedly searched venues (we were all for an elopement but family, meh) and it took that long to find something. We didn’t put anything on social media and my PhD supervisors were among the first to find out because I used the phrase “in-laws-to-be”  (btw, can the English language please come up with a better word for in-laws?).

This might be different for others, but I want to be there when I bring people important news, to celebrate with them in case of good news, or support them in case of bad news. I would have been incredible hurt if Fiance had insisted on me telling my mother on skype or the phone. We ended up telling her together, two months later during family holidays, over a good whisky we gifted her. That will be a memory I will always have and wouldn’t want to miss.

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