Engaged! Some thoughts

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
427 posts
Helper bee

Congratulations on the engagement. Enjoy this time.

I don’t remember your original thread but sometimes I smh at some of the advice on this forum (not specific to waiting threads, but a range of items). I suppose we all just come to this place with our own histories, experiences, knowledge, and prejudices and that forms the content that we share and the advice we give. 

 

Post # 17
Member
985 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

i agree this site is always “LEAVE THE PERSON” forget about any promises or commitment you made to someone just cause things get rough

 

 

Post # 18
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Congratulations!!  Love the ring 🙂

Ill agree that some comments on here are rather extreme, ironically it’s usually the people who answer the fastest making me think they don’t think through their responses.

However there are a lot of wonderful bees on here that give great advice so luckily it evens the ones with a flair for the dramatic out! One of my posts I felt awful about myself for the first few hours getting berated but then level headed bees came to the rescue!

Post # 19
Member
42 posts
Newbee

blondebeet :  I feel your pain.  I posted something very similar a week ago and a lot of people replied saying that my partner clearly didn’t want to marry me and that I should move on.  I appreciate that no one is trying to be offensive, but it hurt to read those comments.

I even commented with an update that I had spoken to my partner and we were now looking to get engaged in the next six months but people kept commenting saying that I should leave him!  Oh well.  We went ring shopping on the weekend and we bought the ring!

I’m so happy that things turned out the way they did for you!  Congrats on your engagement!

Post # 21
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee

blondebeet :  You came on here for advice bc your boyfriend was being a jerk. He CHOOSE to not throw you a bone and say something like, its coming in the next month. He could have said any number of things to calm your anxiety without ruining the suprise. So don’t blame the girls on here for assuming he meant what he said when you posted about how he “refused to discuss it” which often is a very big red flag. Yes he ended up proposing but he could have made your waiting much more pleasurable. People take other people at their word. If he refused to discuss it you could only assume it was for a not so great reason. He could have very easily choosen to give you more info to get you more excited not posting on a board thinking he was dodging the issue. 

Very excited for you that you are now engaged! That is wonderful and so exciting. Just don’t come back on here and throw everyone who responded to your post under the bus. Given the limited information you threw out there people were worried for you and gave you advice. I remember your previous thread. People were telling you to stand up for yourself and ask for a timeline. “EVERYONE” wasn’t just telling you to dump his ass and move on. 

Post # 22
Member
2024 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Some women who are made to wait for years for a proposal from their SOs view the proposal as a giant bandaid that erases everything that came before, even if they waited for decades, or their SO dangled it like a carrot in front of them, or mentioned they needed to “earn it” or be “patient” or stop causing fights, or they’re now several years older – which will make having children more difficult, etc. I don’t remember your original post to know how long you waited and what your SO said to “throw you off,” but if the proposal was some kind of magic eraser for the history of your relationship, then I’m glad you’re happy.

It doesn’t make the advice offered any less valid. I, for one, am happy with my relationship because my husband and I are partners, and he didn’t make me wait, and treated me like an equal in our future (because I am). If he had made me wait, and wouldn’t discuss our mutual future with me, then I would have left. I’ll always advise the same to others.

Post # 23
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Congrats on your engagement, Bee! 

I didn’t read your previous thread, however I will say that, unfortunately, situations like yours seem to be the exception rather than the rule on these boards. Some Bees are more blunt than others, but you did come to an anonymous, online forum seeking advice, and a group of strangers is having to do the best they can with what information they’ve been provided. If my boyfriend (now husband) had strung me along and refused to communicate with me about our mutual future, alarms would have been going off in my head, and I’m sure that was the case for many of the Bees when they gave you advice. Negative opinions of the ones we love are sometimes hard to hear, especially if we’re really not ready or prepared for the possibility that those negative opinions might be the truth. 

I’m sorry, but lying straight to your face and knowing he was probably causing you further distress about the proposal situation was a shitty thing for your now Fi to do all for the sake of a surprise. That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it. 

Oh well. Glad it worked out for you. Happy wedding planning 🙂

Post # 24
Member
7748 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ladyjane123 :  “People were telling you to stand up for yourself and ask for a timeline. “EVERYONE” wasn’t just telling you to dump his ass and move on.”

Exactly. I remember the OP’s first thread as well and I remember really feeling for her because her fi was flat out refusing to discuss their shared future. I’m glad it turned out to be okay, but seriously, would it have killed him to say something along the lines of “please don’t worry, I’m serious about wanting to marry you, it will happen within the next six months, you can trust me!” ?? Instead he shut OP out and made her feel like she was completely in the dark about his intentions. She was upset enough to seek advice on the internet…that says something. I’ll never understand how people can treat their partner so callously. Even though everything worked out, I still think it’s fucked up he refused to communicate openly with OP about getting engaged.

Can’t remember my advice since OP deleted the thread, but normally on threads like that I encourage the bee to insist upon a direct conversation with her partner before assuming all hope is lost. I feel like the majority of advice on waiting threads is like that. While some bees always jump straight to “DUMP HIM” – most are a bit more nuanced in their advice. Also, the reality is that most dudes who stonewall their partners when the subject of engagement comes up are doing so because they don’t want to get engaged. OP was the exception to that rule, which is great for her, but doesn’t change that reality.

Post # 25
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

tiffanybruiser :  Agreed. I don’t remember the original post, but having spent time here as a Waiting bee myself, I feel confident in saying that women who post here seeking advice about their situations don’t do so on a whim. They do so because they are genuinely confused or worried or frustrated about their partners’ intentions, and in most cases, their partners have given them legitimate reasons to be concerned.

And once someone reaches the point of posting here for advice, as knotyet  mentioned, it becomes less likely that the proposal will be the magic bandaid that erases all of the insecurity and communication issues.

In my experience, there are very few bees here whom I would describe as judgemental or unpleasant. The majority give well-meaning advice based on the information that is provided to them. Yes, some are quick to jump to “dump him,” but I think that is because they see the same stories over and over. And there’s no way to know that “stonewalling boyfriend #357” will prove to be the exception to the rule.

I had one of those stories, and many bees came down hard on my SO, and some were critical of me as well, and it was justified. Regardless of what my SO was thinking at the time, I don’t agree with the decisions he made and how he handled his stress. And I let myself down as well by not being more confident in my expectations and not holding my SO to them.

In the end I made the decision to finally ask for a timeline and stay through the end of it. And while my SO did propose, that doesn’t mean that the bees who advised me to leave were suddenly wrong.  I made the decision not to leave before the timeline passed, and I am confident in my decision, but it’s not something I feel self-righteous about or anything like that. And it didn’t mean that my SO was right in what he did. For me his proposal wasn’t a magic bandaid that erased how hard it was to feel that I was being misled and kept in the dark. Some bees here would still have preferred to leave in my situation, and that’s valid.

So Congrats OP. Hopefully a weight has been lifted, and your fiance and you will enjoy planning the wedding and your futures together. But don’t forget the communication issues that first brought you to posting here. 

Post # 26
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee

girlfriendphd :  Love this. A very honest statement about how an engagement does not just erase everything. Really enjoyed hearing your story. Not a lot of people here come back on to comment about how waiting turned out. 

Post # 27
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Congrats bee. 🙂 

But you must understand that anytime you put something about yourself on the internet you must be open to ALL viewpoints, not everyone is going to tell you what you want to hear/or something positive for that matter because all they know is what you tell them and based on that what they post is probably their actual opinion. It’s just advice, you have to be smart about it.

Post # 29
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

I’m happy it worked out but you’re the exception not the rule. Anonymous internet people can’t see the nuance that you can. Beautiful ring by the way.

Post # 30
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I think some Bees forget that some partners want proposals to be a genuine surprise and not everyone does the whole “I’ll propose to you before Christmas”/ “Let’s shop for rings together” thing (to me, once you’re getting that specific, you’re basically engaged??)

Looking at the cached post, seems like OPs partner told her he didn’t like to talk about it specifically because he wanted it to be a surprise, and showed that he had been researching rings?

Obviously there are some partners out there who do drag things out with no intention of getting married but just because someone doesn’t want to specifically say “I’ll propose within the next 3 months” doesn’t mean they are one of them!

But anyway, huge congrats OP! My now-husband went all casual on marriage chat in the run-up to proposing. I was actually in the middle of a ‘where is this going?’ moan on holiday when he popped out the ring! Now married 6 months, 19 weeks pregnant and loving married life so far! Enjoy your engagement and wedding planning! x

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