Engaged! Some thoughts

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think that people have gone through so much different stuff in their lives that they bring to the table on a forum like this. When you get a lot of different people, from a lot of different places, together to discuss sometimes sensitive, emotional topics, they speak from a place of pure emotionality. Glad you knew your situation well enough to stick it out. When it comes down to it, all the advice in the world is no substitute for personal experience. 

Post # 32
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

Beautiful ring. Congratulations! 

Post # 33
Member
2099 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Congrats! Not having read the previous thread, however, it does seem shitty of your Boyfriend or Best Friend to make you feel bad and insecure all for the sake of his surprise.

Post # 34
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

Its hard because some Bees post when angry so of course their partner sound horrendous. 

 

But congrats!!

Post # 35
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

blondebeet :  I am so happy for you! Congratulations!!(: I am glad that you followed your heart. Bees can give great advice but they can also be ruthless and hurtful. Again, congrats!

Post # 36
Member
8555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

brideandblue :  

idk about ‘ruthless and hurtful’. I am so glad  OP is happy but I dislke intensely  the way her  now fi went about it ,as if he was the only one whose opinions/actions/ timeline  had any validity.

  Based on the info in the (now deleted) thread it was clear OP was unsure and  unhappy and that  he simply  refused to discuss it,  as if OP was an importunate child .

That the outcome pleases  her and was what she wanted and she is saying “see ,look,  its all right now , no thanks  to you bees  ” is not the entire issue,  if you value openness and equality  as many of us here do .

 

Post # 37
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

elderbee :  It’s been at least two months since the original thread. I don’t remember what the post was and since it’s longer available for reference I think we should just move on. 

Post # 38
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

motherbee33 :  Completely agree with you. Most bees on here will say – leave your man unless he has proposed in less than 2 years. After 2 years if there is no ring then you should move on. This is the only advice that I get and yes it’s hard because they don’t know you, your boyfriend, your full history…it is very misleading and depressing

Post # 39
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Congrats Bee. Welcome to the world of engagment! So happy you went with your heart.

Post # 40
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

Congratulations, bee!

I believe in open communication between couples; however, I do understand wanting the proposal to be a surprise. Having not read the original thread; I believe two people should be on the same page. Perhaps not knowing exactly when one is going to propose but an idea of “yes, it is going to happen” to ease the mind.

I am sorry that select bees previously made you feel sad. Although these forums are to be open to different perspectives, everyone must remember that what they say may hurt others. A higher level of sensitivity and empathy should be apparent.

Post # 41
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I’ve been on both sides and can safely say that sometimes the person should leave and sometimes they should give him more time. It’s hard to sometimes know which one it is based on limited info given online.

 

For example I have had two 5 year relationships in my life including my current one.

First guy told me he wanted to marry me, buy a house, have kids. Nothing was really standing in our way. We had money and were young. But he kept putting me off, saying soon, saying now wasn’t the right time. We decided to buy a house and literally the night before we signed the papers he was saying we should back out and he wasn’t sure etc. We did sign but he was like that about everything. He’d say we would get engaged but then if I asked about it a few months later I’d get the “not a good time” or just plain shut down.

Eventually he said he didn’t want to get married, didn’t want to have kids. I still stayed and then he cheated on me and carried on behind my back until he had her lined up and he left. He’s now married to her.

At the time it was agonising but it was for the best.

 

I’m with my current partner 5 years. We openly discuss marriage and when we discuss it we agree timelines and if the timeline needs to be extended (which it has repeatedly lol) we discuss it and the reasons are always valid. We have one child each and money is tight. He talks about wanting to marry me but it’s in such a genuine and real way. Compared to my ex I just know he truly means it. He’s never left me feeling insecure or unwanted and a lot of what I had to get over with the long term wait was my own hangups and beliefs from my last relationship.

I’m completely at ease now with waiting. Our new timeline is within 6 months. We have a ring picked but not bought. Provided no unexpected major expenses crop up I know it will happen. Previous delays have been because I was in poor health and not working so he was supporting me and my daughter plus his child from a previous relationship so I wouldn’t find fault in him not being able to save for a piece of jewelry when there were other priorities.

Anyway, I can see why some people say “leave” and I can also see why it seems harsh to a Bee who believes the best in her OH. It can be hard to tell the good ones from the bad.

Post # 42
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

blondebeet :  OMG this is the BEST post. It just made my day! Congrats Bee and thank you for sharing!

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