(Closed) Engaged to a crazy man

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
11 posts
  • Wedding: October 2011

Please, get this guy out of your life. Do it now, do it fast. Do it permanently.

Post # 67
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

View original reply
@arenyth: To second not responding to his e-mails, texts, etc. in the future, you will feel great satisfaction from ignoring them, deleting them and forgetting them. I was once in a relationship with someone who only put in enough effort to get what he wanted, and it was the single worst experience in my life in retrospect. I tried to “change” him and he just wasn’t the kind of guy that could change. My fiance and I have a very mutual and understanding relationship and I am so much happier with him that I could have imagined possible based on my prior experiences.

(I realize this is a few weeks late, but I just joined the community)

Post # 68
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Sometimes people simply do things that make you forever scratch your head.  Ilovepeaches, that happened to you.  Simply put.

I once agonized why the hades did my xh cheat on me at all?  He had everything he could ever want and I’m a nice woman, professional, good job, attractive (and much slimmer then).  Good mom too and a precious son.  Nothing made sense.  We had a good relationship and he cheated without remorse.

Seeking counseling is a proactive way to end this and for your to put it to bed, feel better, and move on.

My counselor helped me realize ( and it was for maybe 2 months, 3 appointments) that it was about him, not me, and that he was the one with the problems.  My problem was I let HIS problem become my problem.

And aside from the divorce issues with money, his being nasty, etc, I was really spinning round and round for nothing.  He was a jerk.  That was the fact.  I then used my collective energy to move on and get over the jerk and quit wasting my energy and precious time on somebody who WOULD NOT really be a part of my future.

So that’s what I did and guess what?  It worked for me.  I sense it would work well for you too.  Sam is a man with issues.  That’s a given based on your posts I read.  He messed with your head and wasn’t nice.  You are all wondering why he did this and the why’s are keeping you frozen in place instead of moving on and enjoying life.

Get past it and take steps now to stop that cyclic thinking.  I hope you begin feeling more positive soon and quit giving the jerk, aka Sam, any more of your time. 

Post # 69
6 posts
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
@arenyth: I AGREE!

Post # 70
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

yeah I actually read that whole thing, because I’m trying to avoid studying for a test.  I agree with some of the other posters that it takes someone with some really low self esteem and a lot of issues to stay in a relationship that long with someone so awful.  I agree that you need to see a counselor for a while before being in ANY relationship.  I also don’t see how you can be in love with this other guy after only a month.  Sounds a little co-dependent to me.  I’m not trying to be rude, but you said you wanted the truth so thats what I got from that post.

Post # 71
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

WOW.  um, longest post ever, rambling, way too caught up in trivial “he said she said” details… barely made it thru the first 1/4 of all that.  hun, CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE!  you’re clearly still caught up in it all and it’s obviously unhealthy.  delete him from your phone, facebook, everything and if he tried to re-ad you DON’T ACCEPT…. DUH!!  move on.    what is all this stupid shit with facebook??  if you were/are judging the seriousness of your relationship based on his actions on facebook then wake up call, honey: facebook has NOTHING to do with a serious relationship!  i

I was in a toxic relationship once too.  We were very young (19) and it only lasted a year or so.  My first major relationship.  He was the same as Sam: emotionally abusive, pushed me and manipulated me to feel worse than he felt himself: he thrived on making me miserable because HE was miserable… as if by doing that he boosted his own self esteem.  Cruel.  He had severe depression and mental issues, I am sure of that.  Everyone I know revealed to me (after the fact) that I was a different person with him.  Once I was free of him I came back to my true self.  It’s crazy how a person can effect you!  From that one horribly bad relationship I probably learned the lessons of 10 normal bad relationships, ha!  

But what I took from it is this:  everything happens for a reason!  If I hadn’t gone through that I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t have met the man who became my husband.  In fact, my toxic ex got me on one of the first social networking sites (friendster.com) and that’s where I met my husband!  Now I am in the most healthy, stable, wonderful relationship and I couldn’t be happier 🙂  It will happen for you too!  Forget the “why did he lie about this??” and “why did he do that??” thoughts that plauge you.  They will get you nowhere and only make you miserable!  Instead focus on yourself and move on with what makes you happy.  

Post # 72
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sometimes your first true love is not someone that’s good for you. I know. I’ve been there. This experience *cliche* WILL make you stronger. Love itself can be a lot of things. Usually a love like the one you say you felt for him is mostly about you because it’s clearly one sided. You might think at moments that he truly felt something for you, but with time and distance you will hopefully realize that this experience, as painful as it was, was just an introduction for you into how intense love can be. Hopefully next time you will catch yourself before those feelings get away from you. Love is as much about the heart as it is about the mind. I truly believe that love is learned. We all have issues, family baggage, and failed friendships and relationships, and it all serves to shape us and stabilize our frame of mind for “the next time”. You have to learn to love in a healthy way. Real love, deep, meaningful, satisfying, healing love is reciprocal. I am in no way implying that your feelings are not real or diminishing them in any way. On the contrary, I’m sorry to say that you will probably never feel as deeply and madly and unapologetically as you did with him… but that’s ok, it’s actually good. You might never get the closure you need, hopefully you will. (It took 7 years for me to allow myself to meet with my first love again, and 2 minutes to realize how blinded I had been with love. This person had not changed. Would NEVER change, and is completely selfish and inmature.) You need to put yourself first right now. And that means space. Don’t let him in at all. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it is so worth it! Your mantra must be: “I will not settle. This person cannot give me what I need and deserve. This person is bad for me.” Repeat it and live by it. Please trust me.

But most importantly, don’t loose your ability to love. You seem like a romantic at heart, and that is truly beautiful! Getting hurt can make us jaded and hesitant and skeptical and closed off, don’t let it. Learn from this when you achieve enough distance to see it for what it was and choose to believe in love. It is possible and it is out there waiting for you to be ready for it. But you have to learn to recognize the signs of the love that you want and the symptoms of the love that you have to leave behind. I think it is great that you are going to counseling and that you are venting here. It shows that you are still reaching out into the world towards other people and that you realize that there are things that you can still learn. I hope you heal quickly and that you find everything that you deserve. Stay strong! ♥

Post # 73
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i stopped reading after the first part..omg…this guy thinks he can come to you whenever, and leave you whenever..as if your his prison or something…i think you need to leave the relationship right now..no way this guy will make a husband or a friend for life…. this must be so hard for you…how immature of him!!! im so madd.  this guy is dangerous.

Post # 74
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2022

sorry this is TOO long i read the first 2 paragraphs and gave up

Good Luck

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