(Closed) Engaged to be engaged?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
4519 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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@PenguinLove:  maybe, it depends on school. but now our new date is his aunt and uncle’s anniversary, so who knows

Post # 18
3256 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I wrote something I meant as supportive but it came out snarky, so I deleted it.  Carry on with your day, and your wedding plans, and ignore me, please.

Post # 19
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you are planning a wedding, you are engaged.  To me, engaged means preparing for a marriage, which you are doing.  Congratulations! 


Post # 20
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Older and perhaps a tad Old-Fashioned Bee here…

I was brought up to believe you aren’t truly engaged until you have a Ring.

Now to be sure, even this hasn’t always been true in my own life.

When I was married the first time (circa 1980) as a fresh faced Uni grad, my man had proposed (in words) but there was no ERing to be had, until he was to be settled into his first job post Uni.

So he got me a promise ring… a nice ring with my Birthstone.

And we set a date to get engaged… a firm date.  No wishy washy… a true deadline.  We would be engaged by the end of the summer… once we’d both worked and saved a bit of money.

I was living at home with My Parents… he was subletting an apartment from one of my GFs (she lived afar) for the summer for a super good deal, in order to save money.

Come late August, we went out and bought my Ring. We picked it out together.  It was nice enough for us… but nothing terribly fancy… (a) because we didn’t have a lot of money, and (b) because in 1980 the Price of Gold & Interest Rates at over 25% were thru the roof.

And then we told my parents, announced our Engagement officially, met with the Minister, and set the date (done by mid October – Thanksgiving Weekend)

This time round…

Mr TTR proposed in April.  We had no ring.  We found one we both liked in June.

In the meantime… We considered ourselves engaged…. told everyone… and made some basic plans (Date & Location).

Most stuff was solidified by June / July after the ring was on my finger (must say that having a Ring makes it all that more real… and need to push things forward for yourself, and all those who asks Questions does become more apparent)

Is it weird to do a lot before the ring ?

I guess that depends on your circle of friends & family.  I do think that most people don’t consider a couple truly committed to the idea of there being a Wedding / Marriage unless there is a Ring & Date.

And sadly, there have been stories of guys & gals who hung too much on their dreams of a Wedding BEFORE there was a firm Proposal, Ring & Date (lots of stories about broken promises, and lost deposits).  So I’d be reluctant to suggest anyone lay out money in advance.

BUT that isn’t to say you have to wait for a BIG FANCY RING jus to be Engaged.

Promise Rings get a bad rap now, cause of their name (people somehow equate them with High School First Loves)… BUT the concept has been around for centuries.

I know there are certainly Bees who have had Proposals with “Stand In Rings” so that they could get on with the process, and make things OFFICIAL in their eyes and others.

And the criticism (eye rolling) seems to be less if you say “He’s proposed, we are Engaged… here is the ring he did it with… he picked it out as a temporary one… he’s waiting for me / us to find something together that is more permanent”

Certainly seems to be a very accepted alternative nowadays.

Hope this helps,

PS… And ya, I do agree with the other Bees… generally speaking one isn’t engaged until someone actually does the asking (usually the guy).  I don’t think it is right for anyone to assume they are engaged, until someone actually makes it clear that they are asking you (or presenting you with an ERing) and making it clear that they wish to make a life long commitment to you.  Then it is up to the other person to decide if they wish to accept that Proposal or not.


Post # 21
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

We have a list of venues we want to look at and we’ve made our preliminary guest list and SO has told his friends who is being best man and ushers/groomsmen. My bridesmaids and maid of honour are all aware, as are our families. But we dont class ourselves as being engaged, not until that ring is on my finger, which should be within the next couple of months.

Post # 22
292 posts
Helper bee

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@prisigtr:  +1

Congratulations on starting your wedding planning! That must be very exciting for you!

Post # 23
2436 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@agraciana:  In my mind, there’s no such thing as being engaged to be engaged. If you guys have decided to get married, and are planning a wedding, you are already engaged! The ring is not the deciding factor. It’s a symbol, and a gift, and you can get that little bauble on your finger afterwords (with a proposal at the time, if you like)

That being said, that’s just how I think about it. I’m sure you guys must be really really excited to be planning, and I hope things go off without a hitch. 🙂

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