(Closed) Engaged to going back to being boyfriend/girfriend again

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2958 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

It sounds like things are really good with you both right now, and if he said he is remodeling his home to make it nicer for you, it does seem like he is planning for your future together.

I honestly don’t think you should put pressure on him. A peaceful relationship will make him want to marry you more than you harping on him for no “real” reason. I understand wanting to be called his wife, but being his girlfriend doesn’t diminish the relationship.

Post # 4
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

I wouldnt want to marry a man that I didnt feel comfortable talking about our future with. Entering a marriage should be something you have both discussed and it shouldnt be something you are afraid to talk about.

the fact that you rarely fight doesnt mean everything is great, but it could mean you arent discussing important issues.

Are you continuing with the couples therapy?

Post # 5
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MoonBaby:  

 

It looks to me like you are making progress. Are you still seeing the therapist together as well as apart? (Might be good to work on personal stuff or anything deep-seated and personal, after all, a marriage is a union of two persons.) 

I think you can and should discuss issues that are pertinent to your future (not just marriage itself but togetherness as a couple) such as plans to travel together, what growing older together might look like, upcoming holidays and celebrations, etc. Getting answers to these types of questions could really help you to feel better about how he feels about your future. You could always joke around about wedding stuff too, just casually, see if he is open to it. All in all I agree with Bostongrl25—if you’re not comfortable discussing marriage as a couple then it doesn’t seem like a viable option.

Post # 7
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He might be a little jaded from his past, it happens. I think it marriage is very important to you like you sound, than I would still let that be known to him that you want that (not saying as you want it right now) but that you do want that in the future still. If he’s never going to change his mind and stay closed about it, that I wouldn’t let him string you along with a bunch of “maybes” or “what-ifs” when you could be spending that time finding somebody who does what to be married, and it’s important to them as it is you.

Post # 8
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@MoonBaby:

It sounds like he’s planning a future with you.  I would just wait until the deadline and if he doesn’t follow through break up.  You gave him a deadline so it’s only fair that you wait till the end.

Rarely fighting means nothing.  Sure some couple have a great relationship and rarely fight but it’s not always that way.  You might not be discussing very important matters that may not have an effect now but will in the future.  Some couples also rarely fight because they hold it in.  I actually know a couple that didn’t fight for +5 year and they eventually let it all out and seperated for a whole summer.  I’m not saying your relationship is like that I’m just saying fight when you want to and don’t worry about how often it is.

If you don’t want to be with him anymore than of course you should leave.  If you do want to be with him I suggest you talk to him and make it known your not trying to pressure him but you just need to talk about it.

Post # 10
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MoonBaby:  I wouldn’t move back in with him until you’re married.  It’s not good for your daughter to see you going back and forth with this guy.

I would give it a year and if you haven’t set a date in stone yet, then it’s time to move on.  I would typically give it more time but this guy already proposed and then freaked and kicked you and your daughter out on the street.  Since it sounds like you really want it to work, give it a year for a proposal and booking a wedding date (by booking I mean putting down deposits on a venue and vendors.)  If he hasn’t done it by then, it’s probably not going to happen.

Post # 11
Member
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I understand your desire to get married, trust me, I do. However, he’s got some deep rooted issues with marriage and pushing him to propose to you is not going to help in any way. As far as he is concerned at this point in life he is perfectly happy to just live life each day as it comes and allow your relationship to grow. There is absolutely no reason to push things just because you want a binding piece of paper.

 

A good friend of mine has been with her SO for over 10 years and had given him a timeline at one point. If he didn’t propose by her 30th birthday, she’d walk. Well her 30th birthday came and went as did her 31st and we’re approaching her 32nd and she’s still with him. He has some major issues with marriage as well based on family history/divorce (parents) etc. She has come to understand that as much as she does want to get married, he does NOT. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her any less. He wants to be with her forever, we all know that is 100% true.

 

Where do you meet in the middle? This is a tough situation to find a compromise, right? You want him to get over his fears and propose to you, but where are you compromising for him? He says he wants to marry you someday, he’s trying to move forward to meeting your needs, you are going to have to try your hardest to meet HIS and back off with the marriage pressure. He’s remodeling his house, he’s going to counseling, he’s working on it. If you love him you’ll have faith in him and support him rather than being insecure and pressing him in the wrong direction. A piece of paper doesn’t have anything to do with how much someone loves you. Cherish each day with your man. 

Post # 13
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MoonBaby:  I totally agree with less than a year as well.  He has had plenty of time and opportunity to realize his relationship with you is different than with his ex wife.  Keep your chin up.  If it’s meant to be it will work out.  If not, there are better opportunities out there for you and your daughter.

Post # 14
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think if he is making home improvements (as well as attitude improvements) geared toward you all moving back in and he knows that you aren’t coming back without an engagement and wedding date – that’s a pretty good sign HE is thinking about it.  Maybe he feels like you’ve said your piece and he knows how you feel about it so he’s going to take the steps he needs to take to get ready for that.  Maybe in his  mind he needs to have everything at the house “just so” before he gives you the ring, etc. to show that he is COMPLETELY ready for the future?  I obviously don’t know him, but I could see my Darling Husband thinking this way. He certainly wouldn’t fix up the house for a “family” if he had no intention of taking it that direction! 

And maybe he wants the second engagement to be a surprise romantic occasion so he’s not talking about it with you so that you are just as surprised as a first-time!

 

 

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