- 1 week ago
Hi bees, first time poster, long time reader. I have been struggling with even admitting this to myself, but I feel like I need to say things out loud (or write them down haha) to better understand myself. I have been with my FI since Nov 2015, and we got engaged this past spring. He treats me so, so well, and loves me with his whole heart. I never, ever doubt him or his actions, and he is a man of strong morals and is fiercely proud & protective of his friends and family. I know without an iota of doubt that a life with him will be a life full of love & laughter. Thinking of my life without him in it is enough to move me to tears. However, despite me absolutely knowing these things in my soul, I can’t help but have doubts. Some of our core “values” are very different. He is a Republican, and I am a Democrat through and through. While we are both fairly moderate in our parties, we do disagree on several topics. Additionally, he is very religious, and while I was raised until my early teens in the same religion, I do not hold the same convictions as him. I do not fault or mock him for his belief – in fact, I admire the strength of his conviction – but I do find it hard to understand, and feel a bit distanced from him when we talk about religion, God, and our beliefs. Additionally, I have concerns about how we will raise our children, as he has stated that he absolutely wants them raised how he was raised, by going to church and religious school or classes. While I don’t necessarily see a problem with that, as like I said our upbringings were similar to an extent, I can’t say I am thrilled with the idea. We spoke quite frankly about religion the other night, and I haven’t been able to shake these doubts since then.
Those doubts are the two big ones, but there are a few smaller things that also are of slight concern to me. He does not drink alcohol all that often, but when he does, he has a hard time moderating how much he drinks. I.e. he has a hard time stopping at 1 or 2 beers. While he never ever becomes violent, I have a history of alcoholism in my family so it does make me nervous. We do speak openly about it, which helps assuage my nerves. He definitely goes through phases of completely not drinking at all, to drinking quite a bit. Also, he has gained quite a bit of weight since we met. I hate saying that because it feels so superficial, but I really enjoy running and training for races and while he once did, he hasn’t put on gym clothes in well over a year. When I subtly suggest we do an activities together he says he just likes being fat & happy haha. It’s funny, but I also miss that super sexy guy I met, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’d say almost daily he says he has to get back to the shape he was in, and I try to show support without being overwhelmingly like “YES PLEASE LOSE WEIGHT!”. I have been cooking much healthier, but I can’t control what he eats when he’s not at home. I should add he’s not obese or anything like that. He just used to be super fit the first 1+ we were dating, and now is decidedly not. Last but not least – his phone use really bothers me. He is constantly on it, and we have had numerous discussions about using our phones when we’re with each other. I am totally fine with zoning out from time to time, but I mean sometimes I am mid sentence and he picks it up! It’s infuriating and I tell him so, but he just says that it doesn’t bother him so it shouldn’t bother me. I will say, he does “work hard” at not being on his phone when he’s around my family/most social situations, but if he’s not engaged in a convo when we’re out, he’s definitely on his phone. We went to a concert last week and he spent the entire time on his phone – to the point where a person behind us commented on it. He has also stopped texting/using social media WHILE DRIVING. The fact that he ever did that drove me absolutely bonkers. But, the good news is he at least doesn’t do it when I’m in the car with him (not sure if he does when I’m not).
Sorry for venting bees. Are you married or engaged to someone with different beliefs? How does it impact you? Should I be more concerned?