Engaged, to the right man?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think much of it depends how “into” politics and religion you guys both are. A few years ago there’s no way I would have dated a guy who was a liberal, I was staunchly conservative, big into politics, so it really mattered to me. My Darling Husband is conservative. I flipped during the last election and am now very moderate, almost liberal leaning while Darling Husband is still conservative. We have discussions and disagree about things but it’s nice to have open & frank discussions, and at the end of the day you just agree to disagree or change your mind (which doesn’t happen much! lol). But, I will say we do not disagree on major things-for example, I wouldn’t be married to him if he was racist or sexist in any way. My Father-In-Law & SMIL are opposites politically and they get into some heated arguments, but SMIL is very argumentative so I think that makes a difference too.

As far as religion, I am Christian and I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t share my faith. I honestly think if your Darling Husband was overly religious he might would feel the same, so maybe he isn’t as much. I do think it is important to have similar core values and life outlooks. Minor differences in politics I can understand, but religion is a huge part of who you are. Does he attend church and engage in religious services/activities?

Post # 32
383 posts
Helper bee

The Republican vs. Dem part wouldn’t bother me too much as long as he’s not racist or sexist at the heart of his beliefs (although if he voted for Trump because I have so many issues with that man’s values as a person, it would probably be a deal breaker but I digress).

The religious part – You have to agree on how your kids are raised. And while I personally would love a man who is the same as me in religion but much more serious about it, I couldn’t roll if I actually disagreed on how kids should be raised. In your post, to me, this is the only true dealbreaker status level issue.

Everything else in your post I personally think could be worked on with some really quality counseling (and rarely do I recommend counseling because personally I think most counselors I’ve met are overratted). Marriage should be an institution that brings two extremely compatible people together who wants to share their lives so I wouldn’t be focusing on engagement and taking it to the next level just yet.. Love is not enough as evidenced by the divorce statistics.  Sometimes we may love people who just aren’t right for us.  However, no matter who you are with, there will be irritants you will have to deal with.

Post # 36
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

My Darling Husband and I are on opposite ends when it comes to certain topics. I have to admit that there have been times during a bad fight where I have wondered if we were too different to have gotten married. But personally and also based on our Christian beliefs, I think our marriage is right and we are both committed for the long haul. The person you marry is rarely the same person after 5 years, 15 years, etc. People usually change after marriage, even on major positions like whether they want to have children.

As an example, my Darling Husband grew up with no religion while I grew up with Christianity. He became Christian while we were engaged (his choice) and now his faith is stronger than mine. After getting married, he also became more easygoing about money, better about not procrastinating, and more tolerating of my messiness, haha. So my question for you would be, is he the kind of man who is compromising and understanding when you guys disagree or fight? The kind of man who listens to you and your feelings and loves you where he’d always put you first?

The exercising and phone usage are what I’d consider “superficial” in terms of being habits that can be more easily changed. What you need to figure out though is whether your being overly annoyed now is a sign that you’re not feeling the same anymore in the relationship and hence the doubts. These are things that will be annoying after you get married too. As for the drinking, how many more drinks does he have after 1 or 2 beers? If he’s stopping before he gets drunk/sloppy and doesn’t drink often, then you might be letting your bias get the better of you. At the same time, you can share your concerns with him and he can agree to stop after X drinks if it will make you more comfortable.

I don’t want to tell you what to do. You know your Fiance best. If anything, it looks like more discussions are in order where you may want to bring up everything that you told us here. Even if religion and politics aren’t center stage in your relationship, there may be future decisions that will be impacted by your beliefs. How to raise children, as many of the Bees already pointed out. I think what’s important is whether you guys will be on the same page with respect to these decisions.

Post # 37
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

anon2bornot2b :  Can you compromise and raise the kids as Episcopalian ? 

Post # 40
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m really not sure if these issues by themselves are dealbreakers. To me it seems more about the compromises each of you are willing to make when it comes to them. Is your Fiance willing to put more effort into taking care of himself (this includes exercising and not being on his phone while driving and endangering tons of people!), cut down on rude behaviors like constantly staring at his phone when he could be present in the moment, or simply compromising with you on your future childrens’ upbringing? Couldn’t a good compromise be, for example, agreeing to go to church as a family, but when it comes to education not enforcing religious classes? Does your Fiance understand that you have ideas on how your children should be raised as well, and it’s not just his way or the highway? 

As for the political differences, I agree with PP that it is all about how different your opinions are. My Fiance is a registered Republican, and I’m a registered Democrat. I was worried at first because his parents are very conservative and religious (Fox News all the way, church every Sunday, no taking the Lord’s name in vain, being a liberal is the worst thing that anyone could ever be, toilet paper with Obama’s face on it, the whole shebang) and I was afraid that this person I was super into was just going to be too different for me to handle. Thankfully, after continuing to get to know each other we both realized that we hold a lot of the same values and opinions. We both have conservative ideals as well as liberal ones. Fiance, for example, is more fiscally conservative, but is socially liberal. Like a PP said, I don’t think I could’ve gotten past these differences if he wasn’t socially liberal. 

Ultimately, though, I think being with someone who isn’t just a carbon copy of myself is a good thing, and has helped me grow as a person. I don’t need someone to validate me and agree with me all the time. Having different beliefs and opinions isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker. What is a dealbreaker is an unwillingness to compromise, so that’s ultimately how you need to assess this situation.

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