Post # 1
So…my engagement has been tumultous due to my age and family situations (see previous posts).
Now 7 months into the engagement, we still do not have a date. He won’t pick a date, venue, discuss details, etc. He says we should wait until we have our money in order, which I agree, but it breaks my heart to have no timeline. I mean, let’s say, a year down the road? Two years? I don’t know! Just pick a range, you know? I feel like he proposed to shut me up about wanting to get engaged.
Now he’s saying maybe we should move in together. He keeps saying we will move in together in “3 months or so.” He’s been saying that for 6 months.
I love him and I’m willing to wait and he really is working hard (over full time), but I don’t know how to feel. He lost his financial aid and is no longer in school, and I just don’t know if this is the person I want to trust with my livelihood, even though I adore him and he has so many admirable qualities.
Post # 4
Maybe it would help if you put the getting the money in order timeline together with the wedding planning timeline. Like, decide to save X amount every month. Then figure out how long it will take to save up all the money and use that as the wedding planning timeline.
Post # 5
wow i don’t know…. this is an issue that really needs to get sorted out! I don’t know how you are living with this. personally I am the kind of person who would just make sure you both get all your feelings out (good and bad) about this as soon as possible… I would want to just lock ourselves in a room until we could sort it out! He definitely needs to give you some answers.
What do you think it might be? Worries about money? Because men do often feel stressed out and powerless when they have money worries and from what you said, this could be the case.
Post # 6
You could still have a really romantic elopement, while keeping yourselves on track financially. But, I wouldn’t do that until you have this communication problem in check. If you can’t agree on finances/life timelines now….you might not be ready for marriage.
Post # 7
I would disagree that you are actually “willing to wait.” I think it would be more accurate to say that you are willing to set an extended but detailed timeline for the wedding and financial betterment to occur. But even if your goals require a long time to achieve, you want to set them now and stick to them. You do not want to wait. Nor should you have to if you don’t want to. There is nothing intrinsically superior in waiting versus planning.
I think you need to have a frank talk with your fiance about this. If he doesn’t get himself in gear, drastic action may be required. In my experience this kind of perpetual putting off of things is a sign that the person is not ready to get married. Good luck.
Post # 8
I feel like he’s stalling… and I understand that. I have to pay $500 a month toward my schooling so I don’t really contribute much to savings… we are not opposed to eloping but how much is a good amount to have saved up before we wed? Any advice?
Post # 9
He is the only one working? I think that the two of you should have 8 months worth of savings in case he loses his job (and additional if you need to pay for school). If he is worried about money, eloping might be a good idea but you need to have savings too.
Post # 10
I agree with kartz. You need to budget, budget, budget. And by that, I mean, account for EVERY incoming dollar and EVERY outgoing dollar. See if there are places you can stop spending. Look for more opps to bring a little extra money in.
Eloping is a great way to have a lovely and meaningful wedding at a very low cost, esp. considering your family situation. However, you shouldn’t do it until you can sustain yourselves financially. What are you plans for your futures in terms of jobs, etc?
Post # 11
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are in a similar situation. It’s very hard to wait and be patient, but you need to keep in perspective your future — where do you want to be in 5 years? 10 years? What financial goals do you have for you as a couple? Remember that you are planning a marriage, not just a wedding and that the decisions and habits you start now will continue way past your wedding.
Also make sure that all your decisions are mutual and that you both are comitted to being content with them. Your comment about how you think he might have proposed just to stop talking about being engaged worries me a little… you need to make sure he doesn’t avoid conflict and can stand up for what he thinks is right.
My advice is to sit down and talk about EVERYTHING — finances, financial goals, emotions, timelines, job situations, when he graduates, etc. Hash out a ROUGH timeline of when you BOTH feel that things could happen (don’t get your heart set though!!). Create a budget for your life expenses, plus an additional, realistic wedding budget. Figure out how much you make, how much it’ll all cost, and how long it’ll take you to get there. Then, do what it takes to get there! 🙂
Post # 12
I can sympathize with you about wanting a timeline – I am one of those people who hates not having a plan for the future. Of course, circumstances change, and that plan may have to be adjusted, but it’s frustrating to have no agreement with your partner about the next few years.
What are his plans for the future besides the wedding? What are yours? Is he planning to go back to school and finish that sometime soon? I think if you two talk through this aspect of your future plans first, it may be helpful in figuring out when would be a good time to get married. I think what he’s saying about becoming financially stable before getting married is 100% correct, but how does he plan on doing that? Is he putting away money right now so he can go back to school, for example? If not, will he be able to start doing that in the near future? Are you going to graduate soon and maybe be able to help out more? Would he consider taking out student loans so he can go back to school?
I think these are all important questions and working through them will not only help you get to the timeline you want, but also become more confident about the relationship, since you do have some doubts related to financial issues.
Post # 13
I don’t think this is about money. From your past posts, it sounds like you have been the only one fighting for getting married – against his mom, against your parents, against the FAFSA – and there’s not much in there about why he wants to get married or feels this is the right thing for you as a couple. In fact you’re saying the exact opposite. From what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s saying loud and clear “I DO NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED.” He’s the only one who can answer the questions you have about where your relationship is headed.