(Closed) engaged, working, wanting to be a stay at home mom/ housewife anyone else???

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 152
Member
10285 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ieatunicorns:  Pretty sure I said “in my experience”. I know a number of working moms who are jealous of their friends and family members who are able to stay home. It’s entirely understandable. Many working moms would love to be home with their kids but they can’t. Wanting something that someone else has is the definition of jealousy. Obviously not all working moms fall into this category but SOME do.

And fwiw, I don’t appreciate being called childish.

Post # 153
Member
10285 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Bichon Frise:  I have to disagree that it’s a sign of wealth. In some cases, definitely, but not always. My friend is a Stay-At-Home Mom. Her husband doesn’t make a ton of money and they struggle but the sacrifices are worth it to them. They go without a lot of luxuries that most families have so that she can stay home. Its not easy but they make it work. You don’t need to make six figures to afford for one parent to stay home. You just need to make sacrifices. 

Post # 154
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would love to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. Fiance and I have talked many times and we both agree it would be best. I plan to stay home until they are at least 5 and in school, perhaps more. Right now, I can only see going back to work part time with kids still at home.

Right now, Fiance is in grad school and does not have a job. So, I am the bread winner in our little family. Which I don’t mind at all because he will be in the same position in a couple years. Both his mother and my mother stayed at home, althoigh Fiance mother went back to school when he was around 7, and he is the youngest by 4 years, so he feels he kind of grew up by himself and would have liked his mom to stay home longer.

Post # 155
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

I would love to be a Stay-At-Home Mom but Boyfriend or Best Friend thinks I should work, and that we can’t live off of one income… I have kind of solved the issue by planning to start my own online business while I work at a company during the day, so maybe one day before ttc I can start working from home, and just deal with it that way. It’s not perfect, but it works.

Post # 156
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

There is a huge snow storm in Denver today and I’m having a lot of fun commenting on these posts!  I’m SNOWED IN ๐Ÿ™‚ 

I have wanted to be a stay at home mom and housewife for as long as I can remember.  I love my line of work (I’m a librarian) and I invested in a Master’s degree in my field. My fiance has been pretty supportive about me staying at home ‘part-time’ and working part time so that I can make some contribution to our household financially.

I think women have it pretty rough these days, personally, with so many expectations to fill.  We are expected to raise good children, have a clean and well-kept home (no matter how small!) and also ‘make a contribution’ to the bottom line of our household income.  I think cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing is as much a contribution as working 40 hours per week; just because I don’t bring in 40k per year doesn’t mean I’m not adding value to our household by caring for our (future) home and (future) children.

I work with women who have chosen the career AND having a family, which equals full-time day care for kids most of the time.  I respect women who do that, and I get why…but financially it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.  You are working basically just to turn around and pay what you make in child care.  When in reality you could just stay home or work part time and spare yourself child care costs.

I’m 26 and I hope to have children within the next 2 years.  Or at least start trying within that timeframe, lol.  Our solution is for me to work full-time for two or three years before we have a family; that way, I can financially help us save for a home and some educational investments for our children before they come along.  Full-time work is really hard to find in my field right now, so I am working 2 part time jobs but hoping to change that after the wedding.

I think all of this stuff works itself out, too.  Sometimes our best – laid plans don’t work out the way we hope.  They might work out differently, but I have faith that it’s always for the best. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 157
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Bostongrl25:  I’m sorry that’s how you took my post, but I didn’t insinuate anything. I told the OP what I’ve personally witnessed being a daycare provider myself, and it’s the absolute truth.  I also said flat out that not ALL working mom situations are the same, and some women would rather work (for different reasons) and that no situation was ‘better’ than the other.  Like I said, I’ve also seen moms who have said they couldn’t stay home with their kids fulltime because they’d go crazy (their words, not mine).  I’ve seen all different sides to the scenario, and I think each family has their own needs as to what would work best for them.

I think it’s wrong to call someone selfish or say anything negative about anyone who chooses to stay home to care for her family, just like I think it’s wrong to say anything negative about a woman who chooses to go to work.  Everyone has a different way of life, costs of living, etc. so only a husband and wife can decide what is best for their family.  Sometimes, with the cost of daycare and the amount of income from one person, being a Stay-At-Home Mom (or Stay-At-Home Dad for that matter) isn’t a luxury as much as it’s a necessity.  If I got pregnant today, it would probably be better for us to move (we live in a ‘luxury development’ apartment community, which basically just means that we pay almost 1/3 more for a smaller apartment…not our best move LOL) and stay home with the baby.  However, both of our cars are paid off, we have no credit cards or real debt to speak of, so while it would be a struggle either way, it would (on paper, at least) be doable.  Is this true of anyone?  No, but I figured I would share my opinion since that’s what we do here.  To be honest I don’t know what I would actually do, if I’d try to stay home or if I’d work part time and send my child to daycare part time so they could make friends and get used to spending time away from Mommy, or if I would keep working.  Both sides of the coin have their benefits and drawbacks, so it’s impossible to say what the best decision would be across the board.  

 

Post # 158
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@UpstateCait:  I’ve seen the jealousy angle play out with my sister and her SIL.  I am sure it happens with other women too, it’s one thing to say “Being homemaker isn’t for me,” and another to say “Being a homemaker is irresponsible.”

I agree with…I think it was KatyElle.  If you’re a homemaker, you get pressure for being lazy.  If you go to work, you’re not being a good parent.  Women who stay at home are defensive about it and console themselves by saying at least their kids are getting the proper amount of attention from a parent.  Women who go to work are defensive about it and console themselves by saying at least their families are provided for and they’re not relying on their husbands for everything.  Then when there is a perceived slight, the defensive “At least” comes out, even if no slight was meant.  It just creates a bad cycle of people defending their choices because they’re so used to being on the defensive.

Post # 159
Member
10849 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Why is it that whenever a SAHW/M thread comes up, it turns into bickering? It’s not a right or wrong issue guys, let’s all agree to respect each other and our choices, whatever they may be. No one is better than the other, I think we can all agree upon that.

Post # 160
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

The very first week that I was home (no work and no school after working and going to school for 6 years straight) I thought it was  a good thing. Finances were good and I cooked, baked, cleaned etc etc etc. By the end of the week, I ran out of things to do and I was miserable! The bathroom was clean, the kitchen was spotless, there was a cake in the fridge and I had too much left overs! I went to Yoga class and did all my shopping. I was just bored out of my head. For some people it’s a great idea, but you don’t know until you’re actually there. For me, it was depressing!! I know a friend who decided to be a stay home mom after giving birth. After the third month, she asked her boss if she could go back because she just couldn’t take it. I say sometimes we just have to try to know if we can deal with it or not. However, I respect people who have done it and love it. 

Post # 161
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yeah, it kind of depends on what works for each couple.  My fiance makes enough to support both of us, but if we had a child, it would be tight–he is a lawyer and makes good money, but of course has student debt etc.  We’d make it work (my parents did it on one income, though that was in the 1980s/1990s.) I think it depends on what works for each person.  I’d love to stay home, but I see benefits to working, too.  More money for savings, more money for college, retirement, etc.

I don’t think there’s a perfect solution.  My mom stayed at home for 25 years to raise my brother and me, and she caught a lot of flack for it.  On the other end, my aunt worked and put her children in chid care full-time so that she could be a chemist. (Very brilliant woman.) My mom was no less smart, though.  I think either way, women are going to hear negativity from their peers REGARDLESS of what they choose.

That’s why, as with most things in life, you have to do what works for you and learn to tune others out–as well as their opinions.  Easier said than done, but planning a wedding has taught me this lesson best!  Don’t we all agree?!  ๐Ÿ˜‰ 

Post # 162
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nromano5:  I think you’re right that women have it rough in that regard!  I was just thinking that men probably don’t have to worry as much about this issue; it affects them, sure, but most men don’t face the choice of going to work full time or taking time off of work to stay home with the kids.  Some men do, but most don’t.

I think this adds another element of difficulty, a debate like this turns into a case of woman against woman.  A guy can go out with his friends and not worry that a comment about what a drag the kids are being will be judged as anything but a vent.  A woman who does the same thing may have someone say “well at least you get to see your kids,” or “Well that’s why you’re not working,” OR on the other side, “Well imagine what it would be like if you were with them all day!” or “That’s what happens when you outsource your childcare.”  And that’s just so sad.  We should support eachother’s choices, but we’re so used to having to defend them that the smallest comment can seem like a threat.

I get vocal on my facebook statuses; I have made complaints about controversial things like sports and politics a million times and maybe one or two people will disagree; maybe five comments will come out of a really controversial topic.  I had over 100 comments on an update I made about a paper I was writing about homeschooling kids.  There were two mothers duking it out about who was the better mother just because the first one had said, “Homeschooled kids just don’t get enough socialization, in my opinion.” 

It made me really sad that two women that I loved were tearing into eachother to defend themselves against perceived insults.  I think that if they’d met under any other circumstance, they would’ve been good friends.

Post # 163
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@HappierKate:  Exactly! I just tried to post on this a minute ago, but I think my post got nixed.  I dunno, probably my lame internet connection.

My mom stayed home with my brother and me for 25 years.  YES it was difficult on my father to be the sole bread winner for that time, but they made it work.  My mom caught a lot of flack from everyone about staying home. She endured a lot of negative and hurtful comments from family and friends about her choice.  Alternatively, my aunt, who happens to be a brilliant chemist, put her 3 childre in child care so that she could pursue a career.  My mom was no less smart, but even my aunt was ridiculed for being ‘a career women’ and ‘leaving her kids with stangers’ when really she had great intentions to make extra money to save for college and a nicer home for them and her husband.  You know what?  We are going to face a lot of scrutiny from our peers about children NO MATTER WHICH ROAD WE CHOOSE.  There is no perfect answer.  We are each on our own path.  It doesn’t have to be about jealousy.  It should be about doing what works for you, sticking to it, and putting others in their place if they shame you about your choice.

Post # 164
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

sorry about the duplicate post ๐Ÿ˜‰ 

Post # 165
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nromano5:  You probably got ghost-paged!  I think you’re right, and I especially like “It should be about doing what works for you, sticking to it, and putting others in their place if they shame you about your choice.”  Absolutely true.  Whatever choice someone makes, when she knows it works best for her family, she should be prepared to set people straight about it.

Post # 166
Member
5373 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@les105:  I completely agree (: If everyone just left it up to the individual then there would be a lot less confusion and judgement!

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