Engagement and Security in the Relationship

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Would an Official Engagment Make You Feel More Secure in the Relationship?
    Yes, I would feel more secure after we were engaged. : (78 votes)
    68 %
    Engagement wouldn't affect how secure I feel in the relationship. : (36 votes)
    32 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    4959 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    Both, I guess? 

    I was pretty secure in our relationship anyway, but there’s definitely something about the ring on my finger that does feel a little more secure. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    9992 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I agree more with your boyfriend. An engagement doesn’t actually make two people more committed to each other. Neither engagement or marriage changed anything about my relationship how we feel about each other.

    Post # 4
    Member
    263 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    To me, either you feel secure in your relationship or not. Doesn’t matter if there’s a ring if you still don’t trust your partner not to leave you. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    2605 posts
    Sugar bee

    I felt secure before we were engaged, but being engaged is absolutely a different level of security to me. I discussed marriage with all of my long-term exes, but Fiance is the only person I’ve actually been engaged to, so to me there is absolutely a difference between talking about marriage/thinking you’ll marry someone and actually being engaged to them. Clearly with my exes we never reached that level of commitment even though we may have considered it. Talk is cheap; to me engagement represents actually being willing to act on it. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    3410 posts
    Sugar bee

    I didn’t need the engagement to make me feel more secure, but it was something that was important to me and my SO respected that.  

    Post # 8
    Member
    2417 posts
    Buzzing bee

    The exit hurdles are higher once you’re officially engaged.

    If you break up, big whoop, no one cares.

    If you break off an engagement there’s a little bit of embarassent there. You presented your love and commitment and intentions to the world and all your family and friends and then… had to go back on that.

    There’s judgement from loved ones, questions, usually the need to announce the broken engagement, depending on how close to the wedding it is, lost deposits, etc.

    So a guy (and girl) committing to enduring that embarrassment and judgement in order to break up (thereby making breaking up a HARDER decision to make) inherently signals a greater degree of trust and security within the relationship. 

    While yes, two guys could feel exactly the same level of trust and security in their respective relationships, the guy willing to get engaged and thus move the relationship into a realm where a breakup would be exponentially harder than before, is signaling both to his gf and to his friends and family that this relationship is here for the long haul more than the guy who isn’t engaged, which in turn can make the girlfriend feel more secure.

    This is all about actions speaking louder than words.

    Since people are INFAMOUS for just saying whatever words get them what they want, no matter if they are true or not, ACTIONS are what most people look for and can truly trust.

    Saying you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them is all words.

    Buying a ring (or other symbol), proposing, and announcing to the world – those are actions.

    Post # 9
    Member
    340 posts
    Helper bee

    I agree with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and actually I think the couple should feel SECURE enough before even committing to getting engaged/married.

    As in, feeling secure in the relationship should be the prerequisite for engagement. Therefore, getting engaged then shouldn’t feel like much of a change before/after.

    If you you need an engagement to feel secure abt the relationship, maybe its time to ask why?

     

    also 

    • duchessgummybunns: inducing a hurdle to keep your partner isn’t really ideal. you naturally want a secure partner prior to getting engaged. 
    • making it “harder” argument is like the marriage argument, lets get married so its harder for you to break up with me.
    • a healthy relationship shouldn’t require built in embarassment-shackles.
    Post # 10
    Member
    2605 posts
    Sugar bee

    somedaymrsj : My pleasure! 

    It’s interesting to see other people’s interpretations of this question. I certainly agree that you can be committed to each other without being engaged or wanting marriage, and engagement/marriage doesn’t automatically make a couple more committed, but I don’t feel like that’s what you’re asking…

    My relationship has not changed much since we got engaged, but I do think there’s a subtle shift when you decide to make that commitment to each other for life (whether that means marriage to you or not). In some relationships that may have happened long before engagement, in which case engagement is just a symbolic token. For others, the engagement is the fruition of that commitment. 

    Engagement is a formal promise to get married, and for me that does unequivocally make us more committed than we were when we were just dating (with the intent of marriage). There’s an emotional shift but it’s also a practical one — for example, I would not move across the country for someone I was just dating but I would for a fiance/husband. Or now that we’re engaged we don’t really worry about paying each other back for stuff, cause now it’s OUR money and will be combined soon enough. On another level, now that we’re engaged and heading toward marriage, Fiance and I make all big decisions together and he is my #1. While I loved him a ton before we got engaged, I would not have prioritized him in that same way without a formal commitment. We had talked about marriage and were already living together before engagment, so I was pretty certain we were headed that way, but it still wasn’t the same as being officially engaged. Just my $.02. 

    duchessgummybunns :  All of this! 

    Post # 11
    Member
    2695 posts
    Sugar bee

    Being engaged tends to make others take your relationship more seriously and this affects how they treat/view you as a couple. This may also be a factor… if your family, friends, coworkers, etc are treating your relationship more seriously because you’re now engaged, it would no doubt make you feel a bit more secure.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2605 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    malayna :  It’s not about tricking someone into being shackled to you, it’s about them choosing to be bound to you. 

    No one is saying they weren’t secure before engagement, only that being engaged is a different level of security from being in the dating stage. If that were NOT the case, why would so many waiting bees want to get engaged/married? Surely it’s not all for tax breaks… 

    Post # 14
    Member
    2417 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    malayna :  Hey, don’t argue with me. This is basic societal psychology. These customs evolved for a reason.

    I personally didn’t feel a need to “introduce a hurdle” to my partner leaving me.

    We both wanted to introduce those hurdles for ourselves and, in doing so, signal to our partner with ACTIONS that we want a future together – and this convenient societal tradition called “engagement” just so happened to exist for us to do so.

    Post # 15
    Member
    340 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    browneyedgirl24 :  sure but the couple should feel secure enough to make that decision BEFORE getting engaged. Otherwise it does feel like a trick. Especially justifying it as being “more embarassing” or “difficult” to break up an engagement. I wouldn’t (want to) describe my relationship in those terms.

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