Engagement and Security in the Relationship

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Would an Official Engagment Make You Feel More Secure in the Relationship?
    Yes, I would feel more secure after we were engaged. : (78 votes)
    68 %
    Engagement wouldn't affect how secure I feel in the relationship. : (36 votes)
    32 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    285 posts
    Helper bee

    I *felt* more secure after getting engaged and married to Darling Husband. His level of commitment has been “all in” since the very beginning. I know a lot of it was in my head, and stemmed from childhood issues – consider if your attachment style in relationships is at play based on how secure you feel.

    I did notice friends and coworkers began to treat our relationship more seriously; getting invited to things together and hanging out with other married couples etc..

    Post # 32
    Member
    742 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I agree with both of you. While my relationship was already very secure and I knew we were both in it for the long haul, when he proposed on his own, and was excited to do so, it made me feel really good. There is something about this sparkly little diamond that makes my heart sing when I look at it, and he wanted to give it to me, which really hammered home just how committed he really is. 

    If you don’t feel secure in a relationship, getting engaged isn’t gonna fix that. In fact, I’ll bet there will be major issues down the road. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    2400 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    malayna :  so, you’re denying that there usually is embarrassment when an engagement is broken?

    Post # 34
    Member
    136 posts
    Blushing bee

    bibilicious :  That’s neat that men have engagement rings too! I’m in the US and asked my fiance to wear one, and he happily agreed. I would have also agreed to both having no rings, as long as we were the same. It doesn’t seem right to me that in hetero relationships, a woman is visibly “off the market” when a man can walk around appearing single up until the wedding day. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee

    Fiance and I were discussing this the other day. We live outside the US and it’s fairly common for couples to be together for 10+ years before marrying or to never marry at all. There are legal partnerships that protect you in this case. FI’s brother and a few of his close friends are not married and say they have no intention of ever doing so. They are all expecting their first child and have lived with their respective partners for years, own a house together, etc. It’s become fairly obvious to me that the women in these relationships want marriage and some have even acted jealous towards us when we announced our engagement. So it doesn’t seem to be a case of couples deciding together that marriage wasn’t necessary for them, but rather the guy vetoing it and the woman going along with that insteadof leaving.

    What I don’t really understand is why the guys are so adamant about not getting married. They are already committed financially and have children on the way. It’s obvious that their partners want to be married (some have even said so in front of us). Finances are not an issues, but even if they were, marriage does not = wedding and you can get married here for free at the town hall. Big weddings are also not as much a thing as they are in the US. I guess I just don’t understand the guy being against marriage if his partner wants it, he knows that, and he is already ‘tied down’ with kids, mortgage, etc. It seems kind of cruel to me and from what I’ve seen leads to resentment from the partner.

    Post # 36
    Member
    2482 posts
    Buzzing bee

    thefuturedrat :  Yeah, I’m fully aware of… reality.

    But writing “person” or “partner 1” rather than “guy ” and “girl” would have been super confusing. I try to use inclusive pronouns when it won’t affect the clarity of what I’m saying. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    59 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2020

    somedaymrsj :  I think that for those of us who believe in marriage & who highly value marriage, it is certainly an added level of security. An engagement means that two individuals are committing to each other in a very strong sense of the word, to eventually enter into the institution/sacrament/legality/however you view it of marriage. Anyone who values marriage, of any orientation, religion, etc., would most likely feel this way.

    It is also a public committment, which usually means the couple wants their family and friends to know about their plans and support them as a couple. I believe this level of committment has more impact socially as well. More people are going to be inclined to view them as a unit/team now, to view their relationship seriously. Their future in-laws may (ideally) start thinking of them as a family member, moreso than before.

    Individually, (again, I’m speaking about those of us who put a lot of value in the idea of marriage) I think that both persons in the relationship would typically feel a greater depth of security in the fact that the other person now officially views them as their future spouse. For family members and friends of mine who have been engaged & married, this commitment added even more happiness to their relationships, and just made everything feel a lot more concrete.

    Post # 38
    Member
    8919 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    somedaymrsj :  That kind of thinking seems backwards to me. I wouldn’t get engaged if I didn’t already feel secure in the relationship. So getting engaged did not make me feel more secure. It was a natural progression of already being secure. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    1389 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    somedaymrsj :  I agree with neither of you. As many have noted, getting engaged did not make me feel more secure in my relationship, nor should it. That comes before engagement. I do agree that it shows a higher level of commitment to your partner, as it is a social declaration that runs certain risks if broken.

    I also don’t agree with the notion that getting engaged doesn’t change anything. After getting engaged, we were treated differently, even by close friends and family who knew how committed we were prior. Everyone, especially acquaintances, treated our relationship with more respect and took it more seriously. We also felt slightly different. It’s fun to call each other fiance and be able to mean it! You also get to look at them and think “This is the person I’m lucky enough to marry and spend the rest of my life with”. Yes, you can spend your life with someone without marriage, but it’s the social weight and meaning behind both engagement and marriage that makes that kind of public commitment so special.

    So, while (in my opinion) security and day to day life does not chage with engagement, it still has weight and meaning behind it, which does change how your relationship is perceived (and possibly you you perceive your relationship).

    Anyone can be boyfriend/girlfriend – even middle schoolers call themselves that; being a fiance shows true commitment in the context of society, especially since it historically leads to marriage, an even higher degree of social (and legal) commitment.

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