(Closed) Engagement doesnt seem as important as sisters! :(

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sorry that this made you sad. You mentioned this is your 2nd time around. Did you get the same response the first time? It’s unfortunate but lots of people treat the 2nd marriage much different than the first.

Post # 4
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mwitter80: I took “second time around” to mean second engagement in the family. 

Either way, as a middle daugher (older sister was married a few years ago), I think that unfortunately it’s all too often just the way it is. Older sister (who I love more than anything) got married first and the whole extended family rallied around her and was so excited for her. When I got engaged, sure everyone was excited but it wasn’t this “brand new thing.” Older sister is  having a baby now (first of the family) and everyone is SOOOOO excited (including me!), and I anticipate that it will be a similar story with less excitement when I have my first baby. I have a little sister who should be getting engaged soon so it might be even worse for her…so I look at it (along with my older sister) as OUR jobs to be really excited and make it really special for her. 

I would suggest bringing it up to your family gently if it really bothers you. I would expect that it wasn’t something that was intentionally done, but it should ease your mind to talk about it. You don’t want to start this amazing journey with bitterness.

For the record, I don’t think you sound shallow…it doesn’t sound like it’s the material things you are looking for, rather the attention and excitement that you deserve around such an exciting time. Congrats on your engagement!

Post # 6
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Khambly: oh whoops! well then that just stinks. Have you brought it up with your family?

Post # 9
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

I am sorry they are treating you like that

Post # 10
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Khambly: O hun I’m just so sorry…I feel for you I really do. We’re all super excited for you here, although I know that’s not much condolence. 

And I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying something as long as you word it similarly to how you worded it to us. It’s NOT about the gifts necessarily, but the cards and flowers are the expression of their excitement – the expression that they didn’t show for you but showed for your sister. I think the goal of most parents who have more than one child IS to treat them fairly, but in this case it’s making you upset that they didn’t. 

 

Post # 11
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m a first born child in my immediate family as well as the first born grandchild on one side by four years, so I do tend to hit milestones first.  I was completely blown away by the response to my engagement/wedding, and hope that my family has the same response to any future sibling/cousin’s, but yes there is something about the “first” that will have a more extreme reaction.  It probably worked the OTHER way too though.  I know the first time I stayed out after curfew, or flunked out on a test, or moved in with a boyfriend I got the more extreme NEGATIVE reaction, so you’ve probably reaped the benefits of her trail blazing those situations for you as well πŸ˜›  She got off the wall parents, you got the nice steady experienced parents.

That said, if you’re close with your sister, I might bring it up with her.  I know my sister and I sometimes discuss things with eachother so the other can do backup with our parents, so maybe if you mentioned to her that you felt the response was a little flat, she could slyly remind your parents about how much cards/flowers excitement meant to her when she got engaged.

Post # 12
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I experienced a similar situation with FI’s family, so I understand.  FI’s cousin got engaged last January and everyone just obsessed over her wedding.  She didn’t get gifts, or anything, but they got a lot of congratulations and hugs, etc.  In February, when Fiance and I were engaged, not only did it *look* like we were “copying” FI’s cousin, but no one really congratulated us or anything.  That really hurt, especially since Fiance is the oldest child in his family and his parents were more excited over his cousin’s wedding than his.  I am still a little resentful about that, but I love my Future Father-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law, so I try to put it at the back of my mind.  Now that it’s closer to our wedding (and FI’s cousin got married a while ago), his parents are starting to show a lot more interest.  They’ve still never congratulated us, but I’m sure they will at the wedding.  I never knew how much a simple word could mean to me. 

But, just know that I totally understand your feelings (as I’m sure a lot of Bees do) and we’re all here to support and be happy for you here at WB!

Post # 13
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

you aren’t imagining it and there isn’t much you can do about it.

it happens to almost everyone who isn’t the first in the family to get engaged. i sometimes feel extremely bitter about it because i AM the oldest and feel like i should have had the first go at it.

Post # 14
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

My engagement was a lowkey affair. Since it’s customary for the boy’s family to come meet the girl’s family to ask for her hand in marriage properly, that was how it was done for both of my elder and younger sister’s engagements. Everyone was super happy about it. I was too of course. 

Seeing that i am marrying someone from a different country with different customs and his family could not do that due to locations etc, mine was pretty lowkey. He came to see my parents to ask for my hand in marriage formally (after proposing to me during our beach vac) and discussed the wedding plans with them. 

I have a feeling our wedding will not be as grand as it was for both of my sisters but I have no problem with that. I am a pretty private person and after going through so much drama (competitive friends who used their weddings and marriage to show off) I really don’t care for a big grand affair. My fiance and I also don’t want to spend tons on the wedding since I am going to move to the US after we got married, and also we want to spend more on our honeymoon πŸ™‚

All i want is to be married and I only care for my immediate family and close friends to be there so the aunts and everyone else can say what they want coz their opinions don’t matter. And you know how the saying goes, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.” By keeping the affair lowkey, there is less chance lots of people will want in on the planning, which means it will be easier for us to plan it the way we want it to be πŸ™‚

Chin up. Just rejoice in the fact that you are engaged to a wonderful man who loves you. Have fun planning your wedding!

Post # 16
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Khambly:  I understand how youre feeling.

My BROTHER (not even a sister) got married and thats all I heard about. My mom went to every meeting, all she talked about, my parents paid for the entire wedding (and of course my brother went way over budget). My sisters were so excited about my brother getting married. 

I, on the other hand, have to practically drag my mom to meet with vendors and she doesnt like to talk about wedding things. My sisters wont talk to me about wedding things. At the beginning of the engagement, I literally felt GUILTY for being engaged. Im also on a fairly strict budget (thanks to my brother not following the number they were told to follow) and Im the daughter!

So, its a little different, but I sort of understand not being treated the same and it sucks πŸ™

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