Engagement Envy

posted 7 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
846 posts
Busy bee

Bee, get out of this relationship. This doesn’t sound good. This reminds me of a guy I had an 8 year on/off relationship with. The ‘off’ periods happened for the same reason as you. I wanted commitment and he didn’t want to give it to me. And I was always told that I was putting way too much pressure on him, that he needed room to make these big decisions and it would have already happened if I didn’t keep asking. Well, he finally broke up with me. What an idiot I was. When my husband and I dated, I made it clear I wanted commitment eventually. I didn’t have to say it twice. I felt secure at every step, and was completely surprised by when the proposal happened, despite knowing it was going to happen. 

Post # 32
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee

What more do you need, bee? A flashing red sign? He doesn’t want to marry you, and keeps telling you that. Get yourself together and leave.

Post # 33
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I seriously thought he was going to say ‘I’ll be getting a raise so I’ll be able to get you a nice ring’ but instead he said I can afford the rent myself??’  Oh girl I’d have left right then and there.  He’s not even trying too hard to keep you.  How do you stand it?

Post # 34
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@lnm0905:  

So he’ll discuss marrying you when the ‘near future’ gets nearer, but wants you to know he can afford to pay the rent himself ‘if’ you leave…

These are not the actions or words of a man who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  Dear girl, you deserve so much better.  Please don’t wait for the ‘near future’ to get nearer.  Start planning your new life now.  Being single after so long may feel scary – but I can tell you what will be a lot scarier – marriage to a man who doesn’t truly love you or want to commit to you.

Post # 35
Member
5117 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@lnm0905:  This kind of man will never tell you outright that you’re wasting your time with him. Instead he’ll just delay and drag things out in order not to have to commit. He’ll say things like “we can discuss things later, you’re pressuring me, if you keep bringing it up I wont propose, or I’m more likely to propose if you’re a good girl and stop bugging me (about your future!), just be patient, you know I want to marry you” and on and on. He’s already said most of these things. But he slipped up when he said he could afford the apt rent himself. He knows he’s not going to propose and that if you keep your word, you’ll leave. Do yourself a favor and leave now. Don’t enter your 30s tethered to a man who won’t marry you – after living with you for two years! Leave him, you will find another man, a better man, I promise.

Post # 36
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with the previous posts here. After reading your updates I can’t see how/why you would even want a ring from or marriage to this guy. If you do manage to squeeze it out of him in fall, I don’t think you’ll be happy together. The problem isn’t the ring and engagement itself, it’s that he won’t make you feel as though you’re in a committed and secure relationship that you’re both going to prioritize. And based on what he’s said so far, just because he buys you a ring won’t give you that security and comfort that you seek. It’s going to be hard but I’d pack my bags and leave now or ASAP. He can enjoy being able to afford that apartment by himself. And you should find someone who actually makes you feel cared for, loved, protected, and prioritized! Someone who will confidently tell you all those things every day and not tell you to shut up when you’re seeking reassurance. I know i feels awful to see everyone else getting engaged and married around you but I promise you it’ll be worse if you do get married now. You have a long life ahead of you and it should be spent with someone who treats you much better!! 

Post # 37
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

He’s basically only with you for rent money. Cool. Dump his sorry ass. 

Post # 38
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I agree with the other ladies…. his response is very worrying and I would truly sit down with him and ask him straight up if he wants to get married to you and how long the engagement lasts. The extra detail of talking about marriage almost ruining your relationship is a BIG red flag. At 4 years, he should definitely know what he wants.

Post # 39
Member
2283 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

View original reply
@lnm0905: 

I just wouldn’t want to be with someone I couldn’t talk openly with. Even assuming he has the absolute best intentions, it’s all to cryptic. SO and I will talk something to death if it’s bothering the other. We’re not perfect and sometimes might need a cool down first – but eventually we sit down and explain where we’re coming from and find a path forward. I’m not saying dump him. But do you really want to be with someone with his head so high in the clouds?

Post # 40
Member
18 posts
Newbee

So as someone who has been with their Future DH for over four years now, I just got engaged a few weeks ago. I am 27 (happened a week after engagement) and he is 30. Around year three and a half I sat down and had a serious talk with him about where we were in life and what his timeline was looking like in terms of life, career, marriage, children, housing, financial security and stability, etc. We sat and had a long, real honest and raw conversation about everything. I learned we were on the same page about everything but a couple things, and the couple thins we weren’t on the same xact page for, we were on the same chapter (for example, knew he wanted to propose to me just was unsure when, where, how, etc. and wanted more time to curate that and make it special for me). 

 

Sounds like you need to have a serious talk about crossroads with him. If he blows it off like he did before (shut up and stop talking about it) basically, or you feel like you have to bug him to the point of exhaustion- it’s time to say goodbye.

You’ve had four great years you say, so I would tell him that you would like to have an honest, blunt, heart to heart and it’s serious and about your relationship and start asking questions. If his goals / plans don’t align with yours, it sounds like you’re incompatible and need to part ways.

 

Good luck, Bee!

Post # 41
Member
13732 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Even if he were to propose today,  do you really want to marry someone this vindictive, who is so easily triggered by your legitimate concerns, who holds himself out as some prize to be won with your silence?  Marriage to this guy would be no prize. He’ll always be this way. 

Post # 42
Member
1819 posts
Buzzing bee

“You know I’d tell you if you were wasting your time”

Oh really, bro?  If you’re so good at communicating, why don’t you communicate a clear commitment?

Get out, bee.  This guy’s a manipulative clown.

Post # 43
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2020 - Seattle, Washington

Then he goes, ‘but now that I got a raise, if you decide to leave after December, I’ll be able to pay the rent myself’ 

Girl, WHAT!? Honestly, I have so much respect for your strength. Because I dead ass would have lost it right there. That’s mad disrespectful and you know that. He knew that, that’s why he said it. Don’t stay, bee. You know better. A bunch of PP’s have given you some great advice. I’m begging you to take it. Pack up. Leave. Go somewhere where you can be yourself, where you are celebrated and loved and understood. Don’t stay where you’re just someone to supplement the second half of rent??? I bet if you brought that stupid, smug comment up to him, he’d say “you know I didn’t mean it like that.” Girl, bye. He knew how that would come across, he knew what he meant. You can do SO much better. I promise you. Clearly he can handle the rent, right? Like that’s the most important thing…

Good luck, bee.

Edit: word. 

Post # 44
Member
9 posts
Newbee

Bee, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. That comment about the rent was outrageous. A guy who never expresses himself clearly, doesn’t want to talk about the future and keeps avoiding / postponing commitment reminds me of my ex in some way. After being wishy washy for a significant amount of time, he suddenly dumped me due to having “lost interest”, which largely destroyed my self-esteem and ability to trust. He was my first love and I tried so hard to make it work, but in the end I definitely wish I had had the courage and self-respect needed to leave him before he could do so much emotional damage.

You deserve to be treated right; I hope you will find the strength to leave and start afresh with someone new! Once you find the right person you will be amazed at how secure and happy it will make you feel.

Good luck!

Post # 45
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

 I don’t like commenting on people’s relationships but the one comment that really stuck out to me was that he’d be able to afford the rent himself if you left.  To me that was a slap in the face, uncaring and emotionless.  I know I personally would never be happy if my SO said that to me.  It’s pretty much saying leaave if you want I’ll be fine.

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