Engagement feels tainted and broken

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

I don’t have good advice. I only want to say I’m sorry he pulled that crap. If you get married is he going to say I want a divorce every time you fight? I would have a hard time believing that he wouldn’t do exactly that  if he asked for the ring back already!  🙁

 Hopefully others will come along with useful advice 🙁 

Post # 3
Member
3537 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 29th, 2016

engaged8989 :  I completely understand why you feel so hurt and upset! Even though it’s just a piece of jewelry, engagement rings symbolize so much more – it’s you two committing to marriage. You’ve been together for quite some time and have made a family together! For him to ask for the ring back over an argument is like saying he’s changed his mind about that commitment and everything that you have together. That would hurt anyone. One of my best friends used to take her engagement ring off whenever she got mad at her (then) fiance, and I always used to tell her how extreme and hurtful that was, because at the end of the day, it’s not like she was going to leave him over minor arguments. I think you need to be vocal about the emotional impact that this has had on you, and that he shouldn’t be asking for the ring back ever, unless you two end up splitting for good, which I would hope would not be the case.   

Post # 4
Member
33 posts
Newbee

engaged8989 :  If before this fight you consistently felt like you wanted to be with him with every fiber of your being, your reaction to this fight is probably simply that – a reaction. I think this is a shared problem, not a “you” problem, so you need to work together to figure it out and heal. And it’s 100% alright to need time to heal! This might sound silly, but maybe he could re-propose – just plan a nice date and make a promise to you that nothing can tarnish your lifelong connection. It’s just a gesture, but symbols are powerful.

Post # 5
Member
1121 posts
Bumble bee

People say truly stupid things when they are angry. As you say, it was the heat of the moment. I am not condoning it, but he obviously regrets what he said and feels remorse. Whatever the issue was both of you felt very passionately about it for him to get to the point of being that upset. Maybe his fear (a lot of anger is based in fear) came to the surface or maybe he just did it out of frustration/ anger and said something he knew would be hurtful.

Talk about it. Get a marriage counseller if you really feel you need to. You say you love him and have been together 15 years. That is something worth fighting for. If he has deeper issues about the marriage that bubbled to the surface during the argument, then you need to know. If you are using this fight not to continue being engaged, then you also need to find out the basis for those feelings as well. I wish you well bee. 

Post # 6
Member
2232 posts
Buzzing bee

engaged8989 :  him asking for the ring back was a HUGE betrayal of your trust—an engagement is supposed to be a symbol that you’re moving towards the ultimate commitment where disagreements here and there are no threat to your partnership as a whole…and by asking for the ring back, he totally shattered that image by hinting that marriage to him is little more than an advanced boyfriend/girlfriend situation and that it’s acceptable for him to threaten to end it whenever he doesn’t get his way. 

I don’t know what advice to give, but your feelings are absolutely valid and I don’t feel like you’re overreacting in the slightest. You actually seem to be handling this quite level-headedly

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