Post # 1
I’ve been with SO 15 years, we have children and a barrel of history together, (we’ve been together since we were teenagers) he recently popped the Q in an emotional and beautiful way (it was perfect!) and I was absolutely over the moon! I adore him and we both want to spend forever together, I have started at my ring every day in a bubble of pure elation and joy – our relationship hasn’t been free from problems, most out of our control (the kind where you question if the universe is f*cking with you) we’ve overcome them all and were at the perfect stage to start thinking about marriage. A couple of weeks after our engagement (this is what stings the most) we had a row and he stupidly asked for the ring back, it was a flippant angry comment fired in the heat of the moment and he has since shown nothing but remorse and regret about it… only, I cant bring myself to wear my ring anymore, i dont know if it’s because my feelings are still really hurt or if it’s something more serious, but I feel like my trust in everything our engagement stood for is shattered and tainted in some way. If anyone would have asked me my response to something like this prior to it happening I never in a million years thought it would have affected me or cut me as deeply as it has done. I really dont know how to process how its left me feeling or what this feeling means for our engagement/future. It feels so petty and small an issue to have created such an emotional response, but I guess I saw our engagement as more than just a proposal, it felt like we were finally at a time where we could celebrate everything we’ve overcome – there really were no underlying issues between us or anything I can think of as me subconsciously using the fight as a pawn to get out of the relationship, nor was it a pressured engagement i.e something either one of us wasn’t ready for, its purely the shattering trust in what i felt this engagement stood for that i think is affecting me, coupled with how soon after the proposal it happened. My question is (sorry for the length of time it’s taken to get to) – has anyone ever been through something similar? Or felt similar? And how/is it possible to get past this and learn to love wearing a ring I adored a few short days ago?
Many thanks in advance xx
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard
I don’t have good advice. I only want to say I’m sorry he pulled that crap. If you get married is he going to say I want a divorce every time you fight? I would have a hard time believing that he wouldn’t do exactly that if he asked for the ring back already! 🙁
Hopefully others will come along with useful advice 🙁
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 29th, 2016
engaged8989 : I completely understand why you feel so hurt and upset! Even though it’s just a piece of jewelry, engagement rings symbolize so much more – it’s you two committing to marriage. You’ve been together for quite some time and have made a family together! For him to ask for the ring back over an argument is like saying he’s changed his mind about that commitment and everything that you have together. That would hurt anyone. One of my best friends used to take her engagement ring off whenever she got mad at her (then) fiance, and I always used to tell her how extreme and hurtful that was, because at the end of the day, it’s not like she was going to leave him over minor arguments. I think you need to be vocal about the emotional impact that this has had on you, and that he shouldn’t be asking for the ring back ever, unless you two end up splitting for good, which I would hope would not be the case.
Post # 4
engaged8989 : If before this fight you consistently felt like you wanted to be with him with every fiber of your being, your reaction to this fight is probably simply that – a reaction. I think this is a shared problem, not a “you” problem, so you need to work together to figure it out and heal. And it’s 100% alright to need time to heal! This might sound silly, but maybe he could re-propose – just plan a nice date and make a promise to you that nothing can tarnish your lifelong connection. It’s just a gesture, but symbols are powerful.
Post # 5
People say truly stupid things when they are angry. As you say, it was the heat of the moment. I am not condoning it, but he obviously regrets what he said and feels remorse. Whatever the issue was both of you felt very passionately about it for him to get to the point of being that upset. Maybe his fear (a lot of anger is based in fear) came to the surface or maybe he just did it out of frustration/ anger and said something he knew would be hurtful.
Talk about it. Get a marriage counseller if you really feel you need to. You say you love him and have been together 15 years. That is something worth fighting for. If he has deeper issues about the marriage that bubbled to the surface during the argument, then you need to know. If you are using this fight not to continue being engaged, then you also need to find out the basis for those feelings as well. I wish you well bee.
Post # 6
engaged8989 : him asking for the ring back was a HUGE betrayal of your trust—an engagement is supposed to be a symbol that you’re moving towards the ultimate commitment where disagreements here and there are no threat to your partnership as a whole…and by asking for the ring back, he totally shattered that image by hinting that marriage to him is little more than an advanced boyfriend/girlfriend situation and that it’s acceptable for him to threaten to end it whenever he doesn’t get his way.
I don’t know what advice to give, but your feelings are absolutely valid and I don’t feel like you’re overreacting in the slightest. You actually seem to be handling this quite level-headedly