(Closed) Engagement hinges on me being BFF with his parents… what?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

wow.. was he really blunt about it? or was he like I would appreciate if you… ? sounds a little messed up, we cant all have perfect relationships with Inlaws.. I dont, but my marriage doesnt depend on it.

crazy situation!

Post # 4
Member
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

We camp with my FI’s parents every weekend during the summer so his parents and I get along great but I would never call just to chat and my Fiance and I have been together for 6 years.  I cannot imagine having my marraige hinged on the fact that I can call and chat with his parents not me.

I’m with you tacos.

Post # 5
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I do think family is important, and it’s important that you get along with his family ~ maybe this examples weren’t meant to be taken literally? just demonstrative of the kind of relationship he envies for your sake? 

In My Humble Opinion it never hurts to try a little harder, especially when it comes to the ones we love. Maybe try and give it a little extra effort for some time – come up ahead of time with topics to talk to his mom about that will interest her, etc., call her to ask for a family recipe, something, make a small effort every few days, or maybe go one day out of the weekend but a few times instead of one whole weekend just once? 

Try and find a place of compromise for yourself, and see if it doesn’t improve. Seriously. Give it a month, and try really hard for that one month, and be positive about it. Things might change more than you realize. 

Post # 6
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

hmmm, I have kept up on some of your posts regarding this topic. I have an Fiance who is the only boy in the family and my Future Mother-In-Law is TOTALLY playing the woa is me, pity me I’m losing my son card. Every time my Fiance and I make progress in the fact that he is making a NEW fmaily we backtrack at least 3 steps bc his mom tries to pull some sort of crap. I am hoping thats not what is happening with you two.

I would suggest to tell your Boyfriend or Best Friend that he cannot demand a BFF relationship between you and the in laws. YOu can tell him that you will always be polite and make an effort, but EXPECTING a relationship is not a good idea, as it depends on not only you but the other party as well (and they don’t seem too willing….)

Post # 9
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I get along with FI’s parents but I would not take kindly to the suggestion that our relationship (mine and FI’s) is reliant on another set of relationships – mine with his parents or his with my parents.  I think it is important to be able to get along and not totally dread spending time with them but he can’t expect you to have the same relationship as his sister in law has with his mom.  It’s not realistic and it’s not fair.  Good luck – it sounds like a tough situation and I hope it works out smoothly!

Post # 11
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

family is really important to me and fi. we live close to his parents, and since way before we were engaged, we see them about once a week, usually on sunday nights when my fi cooks dinner for them at their house. i’ve never talked on the phone with his parents except quick logistical calls, but we have an easy relationship now. it wasn’t always like that, and sometimes i get really annoyed at how much small talk there is and how many things i’d rather be doing, but it is really important to my fi’s relationship with his parents that they see me as part of the family and as adding to their family.

my point is, he sounds like he’s being a little extreme–obviously a relationship is a 2-way street and you can’t do all the “work” on your own–but are you sure he isn’t just asking you to make more of an effort? if you’re so sure from the beginning that there’s never going to be a relationship, there is never going to be a relationship. and if you are so much a part of fi’s life that you are going to be getting married, and there is no relationship between you and his parents, then that will strain his relationship with his parents and they won’t accept you, and that could cause him to second guess you if he’s close to them (i realized after a failed relationship that fi being close to my parents was really important to me, for example, because i’m really close to them). you don’t have to be best friends right off the bat, it takes time to build trust and fondness, but in my experience, the more you put in to a relationship, the more comes out of it (not always true–i’ve had some really toxic friends–but in the relationships that have mattered to me in the long term…)

(also, sorry if this sounds super judgy! this is totally based off what i’ve learned from becoming part of fi’s family, and from how i’ve seen my parents feel hurt when they don’t think my sil tries with them–which is a whole different story…)

Post # 13
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

ok how about you talk to your Fiance and let him know that it is unrealistic for you to hang out with his parents and be BFFs but you are willing to make some effort. Ask him to arrange for his parents to come over one day for dinner and you and he can entertain them TOGETHER. Or just suggest that you guys do something togehter.

I just have an issue with this whole thing though because you are not engaged to your Boyfriend or Best Friend yet (officially) if it was me I would be saying until I have a ring not much more effort being put out there……but I can also be kinda a b

Post # 14
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

oh, compromise on his part too definitely needs to be there.

also, i edited my post before because i realized im sounding totally judgy! every relationship is obviously different. i think i feel so strongly about my role in fi’s relationship with his parents after we went through a health scare last year (before we were engaged)–my fi’s dad was in the hospital for a couple weeks, and fi really just wanted to go into denial and avoid it, but it was my “job” to push him to be there and help take care of the family…if i was writing this before that experience, i don’t know if i’d feel so strongly

Post # 15
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

In a perfect world everyone would have great relationships with their in-laws. This is not a perfect world 😉 You simply can’t force two people to have a good relationship. You don’t get to pick your in-laws so there is no guarrentte that you will get along. Also, it just takes time for a relationship to grow. Your Future Sister-In-Law has known them for eight years. It isn’t fair for the two of you to be compared.

The topic ‘Engagement hinges on me being BFF with his parents… what?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors