Engagement Is NOT A Gift

posted 6 days ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

Well said. I’ve been through this. I didn’t realize it because by the time we got to engagement, my self-esteem had been whittled down slowly over the course of years. 
I think it happens when there’s a power imbalance, either intentional on one partner’s part (with the other tacitly agreeing, as I did-) or unintentional –

and it doesn’t bode well for the future of the relationship. 
I couldn’t have seen then what I see now, however; I needed a lot of therapy and a lot of healing and time before I could see that I didn’t need to scramble for crumbs someone was throwing me from time to time- when I could go elsewhere and focus on the ones in life who welcome me at the banquet table as an equal and valued guest!

so I’m not sure we can ever reach into the middle of someone’s lesson and save them the ending. I don’t know. 

still, this is very well said, and might really help some who are searching for answers. 

Post # 3
Member
1337 posts
Bumble bee

Totally agree.  I can’t believe the number of women who post on here, worrying about whether or not their boyfriend will propose but feeling they can’t do any more than hint.  Or the ones who just calmly accept when their boyfriend tells them they have to wait for him to decide… It doesn’t bode well for the future relationship

Post # 4
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I totally agree! Very well said, I think a lot of the issues stem mostly from of 1 party wanting something NOW and the other party not ready/doesn’t want marriage, to the bees whom have these flags arise… it’s important to have those conversations so you can gauge whether or not to move forward with the relationship, based off what your needs are. I know couples that have been together 20 years and aren’t legally married, and it works for them cause it’s what they both wanted. There are going to be people that don’t want a marriage, don’t want a legal binding document ect… and you’ve got people that don’t want to get married within a couple years of being with someone, some people take a bit longer to get to that phase, that’s why it’s important to discuss these types of things so you can plan for yourself as well. If you are with someone and they say “I don’t see myself getting married for awhile” then that’s on you to decide if you can wait or not…. There is no shame in ending a relationship if the other person doesn’t have the same end goal as you when it comes to your relationships. There will always be someone else that does. Relationships are 2 people making mutual decisions and choices, not one person deciding when it’s time for a marriage or anything else for that matter. 

Post # 5
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

Great comment. It’s baffling that highly accomplished women who have everything together in their lives can have such a blind spot on this issue. The subliminal messaging around engagement within society and in the media is awful. We all have to do better to raise boys and girls who understand partnership and teamwork rather than who has the upper hand and holds all the cards. 

Post # 7
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee

I’m older than most on here and am just about to have my 30th anniversary….but I don’t understand how women in 2021 are still waiting on a man to make the choice for them. And I extend that even to choosing & buying the engagement ring.

 

You are going to be combining your entire lives, including your finances to some extent. Why should it be his responsiblity to buy the ring? 

 

Post # 8
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee

I LOVE this. Thank you for this post. More women need to hear this. 

Post # 10
Member
1479 posts
Bumble bee

Okay but are we just going to pretend that women, on average, don’t value and want commitment more than men do? The stereotype of this dynamic exists because it’s extremely common. I’ve watched many friends who are now-happily married couples where the man was slower to come to the idea of marriage for whatever reason. It’s important to empower women to feel like they have more control over their destiny, but let’s be careful to not shame women for finding themselves in this common predicament. 

Getting in before the influx of women proudly stating that their man wanted to settle down more than they did, which actually was my situation too, IME that’s the exception not the rule. Many women feel uncomfortable about feeling powerless and embarrassed to speak out, and they should be able to post here to gain realistic support and understanding. 

Anyway just my 2c. Interesting post! 

Post # 11
Member
1775 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

We confuse the ring – which essentially is a gift – with engagement/marriage – which is a contractual arrangement where you and your partner choose to get the government involved to bind yourself together. 

I mean yes you do it for love and a shared future. But what it boils down to, inevitably, is a contractual committment. 

That’s why it’s baffling to me that society waits for the man to ask. Like he somehow his input is worth more and we women just need to wait for him to be ready. When in reality it should be a conversation among equals. Both signatures are on the marriage license. 

I picked my ring. DH bought it from our joint account. He surprised me with a proposal one random weekend in April 2018 – for him that was the traditional part he wanted to keep – the surprise proposal. Everything else was planned together. Because we are adults. 

It’s one thing for you to be with someone who never wants to get married – and tell you that from the start – for whatever reason. It’s another for the man to drag women along, dangling the forbidden fruit like a badge of honour. It’s always “soon” or “after x happens” or worse, that one Bee who’s parter would only propose “once she lost some weight” – don’t ask me to find the thread, it was years ago but it was burned into my memory. It’s the subtle emotional beatdown that gets me. Wittling away at the trust they have in the opposite sex. 

Those men aren’t men, they’re children. 

Sorry. Rant over, lol.

EDIT: Found it 

Post # 12
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

I think it’s interesting that people think the man has all the power because he’s doing the asking. It’s the woman  who does the answering. So ultimately, isn’t it the woman with all the power in the decision?

Post # 14
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee

 The number of posts on this board that are basically “He won’t propose/keeps coming up with excuses”  is so disheartening to me. 

This would seem to indicate that lots of women have given the power over their lives to men, like it’s 1960.

I’m not so sure that men are reluctant to commit these days. I say this as the mother of a man in his late 20’s who couldn’t wait to settle down, have children, etc. 

 

Post # 15
Member
1337 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@wonderwedding:  That’s only true if the man wants to marry and the woman doesn’t – or isn’t ready yet.  

Judging by this forum, there are a lot of women who have let their partner know they are longing for marriage, but don’t feel able to do the asking themselves – or worse still, have been ordered by their partner NOT to do the asking, but to leave it to him.

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