- 4 years ago
- Wedding: January 2015
Regular bee here gone anon…I’m having some serious doubts regarding my engagement/ upcoming wedding.
I feel so awful because my FI is such a great man, he’s kind, thoughtful, affectionate, easygoing, non-confrontational, goes out of his way to please me and make me happy. He’s also very intelligent, highly educated and extremelly attractive (he’s a model afterall) so literally, i’ve got the whole package!
We’ve known each other for 2 years now, been dating for over a year, engaged a month ago, and we have yet to get into our first fight. We really are very similar people, shared goals/ values and 100% compatible, but I dont know to what extent we are that compatible or he’s just a pushover. I feel either content and appreciate or I feel like running away, dissapearing from the face of the earth. I haven’t started planning the wedding at all, no dress-shopping, no pinterest pinning, no venue-looking: I’m paralized with fear. I think it’s mostly because of these reasons:
1. First of all, from the beggining he’s been way more into me than i have been into him. When we first met, he claimed it was love at first sight but i wasn’t feeling the same. He’s young and inexperienced and a little dorky and too complacient. I have a STRONG personality. I was accostumed to wordly, smooth, older guys, with a lot of confidence and life experience. However, we remained friends and throughout the year all of his good qualities won me over, and I gave it a chance. I NEVER imagined I would get to love him the way I love him now. I SERIOUSLY LOVE THIS MAN. I love him so much his pain is my pain, his happiness is my happiness, I protect him, I would defend him with my life. However, it was a very gradual process, I never had “butterflies in the stomach”, i never had those awesome magic moments of infatuation, when you can’t sleep or eat, because all you do is think about him, i never ‘fell in love’, I love him, a lot, but feel like i missed that initial spark. That makes me wonder if he is truly the one or if I just settled for someone who’s as good as it gets.
2. I’m a bit of a free spirit. I’m very independent and I need a lot of personal space, I never thought of myself as “the marrying kind”, i’ve had great boyfriends in the past but i’ve never entertained the idea of marrying someone until I was at least 35. However, i have a lot of pressure, social, familiar, cultural.. to get married and have kids. I REALLY want kids, that’s something I’d like to do ASAP, but the idea of being with someone every day, every night, the prospect of never ‘date’ again, of never getting to know someone new, of never having butterflies in my stomach again, of never have ‘mindblowing sex’ again (with my FI is pretty good, but i’ve had better) of never “falling in love” again is suffocating me a little…
3. We’re moving in together in two weeks (i have never lived with a guy before), and i think this is what has trigerred this whirlwind of emotions inside of me. One minute, I’m feeling trapped, like I have no way out of this, another minute, I’m feeling so lucky and so grateful to have this man next to me, who showers me with devotion and unconditional love.
I know I’m probably not making any sense, but that’s exactly how it feels inside of me.
I talked to him a little bit about this, I spared him of the details, I just said I’m feeling uncertain, doubtful, scared of this, he said: ‘I know you very well. This is the way you are. This is your personality. Right before a big decision, you freak out, you become extremely anxious, but you do what you gotta go and then you discover everything’s alright.’ Which is true, i have a sort of neurotic, overthinking, overly worried personality (i have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder in the past).
Please help me, tell me something, what do you bees think of this?