(Closed) Engagement lie. What do I do?

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

What’s some more of your background and the relationship JennaT? 

I have heard also only of good quality rings being made by a lab.  Whether its your first marriage or a second or third (as you said), I would be more concerned about the lying than about the ring at all.

For us, truth is extremely important, and is something that has to be a foundation of our marriage.

Lying to avoid an unpleasant reaction is a coping technique my ex used and could only potentially snowball if not dealt with and overcome. 

Post # 33
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

I’m glad you both had a chance to talk! I hope that moving forward he can earn your trust again. If he is the wonderful guy you say he is, then this will just end up as a bump in the road that you will laugh about some day. If you feel like the trust is gone never to be recovered then you probably have some serious thinking to do. Good luck!

Post # 34
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

There is nothing wrong with a diamond made in a lab at all!!!!!! At least you know its not a blood diamond 🙂

Post # 35
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2011

 As a couples’ counselor I would say that this big of a lie is a real RED FLAG! Be REALLY sure that you can trust him before you tie the knot w/ him.

Post # 36
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I am seeing huge warning signs:

Firstly if he can aford to by you an ipod touch and a lap top how can he not afford to by you a proper ring.

You obviously would know how much he earns could he afford to by u those gifts? if not, where did the money come from?

Even if he is strapped for cash surely he could afford something more than a $10 ring, he probably spent more on lunch that day.

He also sat back not saying anything when u were telling people about the ring, I am sure you feel a little embaresed now, (not that u could help it)

I think there are big issues here behind this which u nee to sort out b4 you get married.

Furthermore has he offered to buy u another one?

Post # 37
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

Okay, not that it matters now, but I want to see the ring. You have me curious. lol. Can you post pics? And congrats on your engagement and working everything out. I actually asked for a CZ because I think it is rediculous to spend so much money on a ring but he said no. Now I just have a little diamond. lol. But I am happy. Its the meaning behind the ring rather than the ring itself.

Post # 38
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

honey, think about it very, very carefully.

he buys you ipods and laptops. which is much cheaper than a 1.5 “real diamond” ring.
if he can’t pay upfront for the purchases that REALLY matter in life, and has to lie about it, how is he going to be able to financially support you?

also, if he can’t afford a 1.5 “real diamond” ring, he could always buy you a more modest ring made with quality products, not a 10 dollar toy ring from Ebay.
to me, that seems like an egoistical move (especially if he kept mum while you told your family about it).
egoistical = no bueno.

 

think reaaaal reaaal hard…

Post # 39
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Good luck with everything! I’m sure he’ll get you your dream ring! It sounds like he really wasn’t trying to be a jerk, just had a “guy moment” and wasn’t fully thinking! 

Post # 40
Member
7086 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

A lie is a lie.  He should never lie to you about anything!  Me, personally, I don’t tolerate lies.  I waited many years (I am almost 40) to find my best friend and confidant and someone who wouldn’t lie to me, and I will never regret waiting.

Post # 41
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

  Hmmm yeah, shady. Ok so if this guy bought you I-pods and computers then why would he even LOOK at $10 rings for the most important gift he would ever give you??? And if he thought in the first place that he wouldnt like the ring then why did he get it?? And where DID his paychecks go????

 You have every right to be upset. And no offence but if he can affored all the other gifts he can buy for you then he could’ve spent more then $10 on a ring. Im sorry this happend. And I would be nipping it in the butt before we went on with planning a wedding.

Post # 42
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Dude, ten dollar ring is messed up.  I mean, at least get a gold band and fake stone, with the hope that you can upgrade later.

That said, guys are VERY VERY insecure about all issues relating to money, perception of wealth, being able to provide, and buying gifts.  They tend to be terrified that all girls dream of big fat diamonds, and if they don’t pony up, you’re gonna reject their proposal and essentially, reject them as mates.

My fiance told me a “white lie” in regards to our engagement, and it caused a ton of drama and emotional distress (mine).  He had put a deposit on the ring in January, and then in February, a couple of his investments took a downward turn.  Suddenly, it was early March and he could no longer afford the ring we had originally been looking at.  And he was MORTIFIED.  He felt like such a failure and thought I would be hideously disappointed if I got a lesser ring.  So he told a wee lie.  He said the ring had been bought but it was “being sized”.  That lie lasted for about 3 weeks before I started to squirm and wonder why the alleged “sizing” was taking so long.  Turns out, he was using that time to scramble and scrape together money to try and pull off the ring.  I finally called him out on it, and we had a heart to heart about our financial situation and the ring and of course, THE LIE (I wasn’t happy about that!)  We ultimately ended up choosing a different, less expensive ring, and working everything out.  I LOVE the ring I ended up with, and I wish he had been honest with me all along, but I understand how embarassed he felt about everything.  Guys have a lot of pride when it comes to material gifts and money.  

Post # 43
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

usually, price wouldn’t matter….but $10? that is extreme….I would be PISSED and would really evaluate things, mostly because he LIED

Post # 44
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am sorry that you had to go through that, but I’m glad you have worked it out.  I know girls on the board are just looking out for you and are giving you advice out of concern, but you know the situation and I think you would know if something really serious is going on.  Don’t let it ruin your joy! Congrats on your engagement! 

Post # 45
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I would definitely be upset about the lying, too.

But honestly, your reaction to the ring makes me a little concerned, too. Maybe it’s just me, but I think if I were the guy, I’d feel really insecure if my future wife was making such a big deal out of the ring and how big the rock was (I mean, being engaged is a big deal for sure, but a pretty ring is just….icing on the cake). And then your reaction (crying, sitting in bed, not eating) might have just reinforced that feeling in him that the ring mattered more than the relationship. I’d be mad, but your reaction might have fed into the problem.

I don’t say that to excuse the lying — lying is ALWAYS an issue and should be dealt with, but just to say that maybe couples counseling would be a good idea to work out issues of expectation, spending habits, priorities, etc., that will affect your marriage later on if you’re not on the same page.

Oh, and last but not least…congratulations on your engagement 🙂

Post # 46
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

show a picture of your ring i wanna see!

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