(Closed) engagement nightmare..advice?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@emonte12:  Awkward situation! *Hugs*

I like the sentiment of him asking your hand in marriage, but at the same time… if your dad said no, would you listen?

I don’t really see why this has to be a permission thing. I would have insisted that at some point your family meets you SO, but to make it an asking your hand in marriage thing… meh.

Could you just tell your dad something like “Look, I just want you to get along. We thought it would be a nice gesture for him to ask your permission, but we want to get married regardless. He’s going to be a part of my life and you and mom are so important to me I just want this to be a happy occasion! We will fly out when we can, but for now will you please let him call you?”

Post # 5
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Personally I don’t think that your dad should even be asked for permission.  Mainly because your parents want nothing to do with him all because he took their daughter away.  Your Fiance has even put in the effort to build the relationship with your parents and was shot down.

My husband and I met on a blind date that my brother set us up on.  I was visiting my brother.  I lived in Winnipeg and my husband lived in Ottawa.  August 2007 is when we met and I was moving in with him January 2008.  Did my parents approve?  Absolutely not! But that didn’t change the fact that I loved him so they got to know him for who he was and wasn’t bitter that he “took their daughter away”. 

Your parents have never been supportive of your relationship and they never even gave your guy a chance.  It sounds like your parents need an ultimatum.  I mean it would be one thing if your guy did something to deserve it but your parents are just being plain ol’ resentful and it shouldn’t be tolerated.

Post # 7
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

@emonte12:  Why do you so badly want your father’s approval, especially when he is treating you like that??  I would just let your boyfriend propose on his terms, then call your parents with the great news if you still want to.  I fear that you’re letting them ruin this amazing time in your life!

Post # 8
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Why does your dad not approve? Have you asked him for specifics? Can you address his concerns?

Post # 9
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My first instinct is to say NO WAY, keep your bf far away from your dad.  Set some boundaries with dad about appropriate behavior toward bf, he doesn’t have to like or approve but will have to be civil if you will be spending time with eachother. 

Unless your bf is up for it, then maybe his charm, which has won you over, can win over parents too?  I know this is the case for me, I say hell no to my family getting in my business…Fiance does an excellent job dealing with their drama.  But their crazy isn’t directed at him…more at me.  In your case sounds a bit like it’s directed at him.  He doesn’t deserve that.

Post # 10
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I feel like important information is missing. WHY is your dad so against this relationship? Did you quit school to move in with SO? Are you 16? Does your SO have a history of abusive behavior or drug trafficking?

If there is literally no explanation for your dad’s feelings other than “SO took you away from them,” then I think your desire to secure your parents’ blessing is misguided. I’m sorry you’re in this position. 🙁

Post # 11
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Jijitattoo:  Agree! MY response is assuming your bf has not given your parents a reason to dislike him.

Post # 12
Member
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

My FH did not ask my dad for my hand in marriage, because I’m not my father’s property. It’s a tradition that dates back to medieval times when women were their father’s and then their husband’s property. Like a cow or house. I understand that some people like the tradition and sentiment, but to me it’s offensive. What if your boyfriend asks, and your dad says no? Will you marry him anyways? Will you just keep living together but not be engaged? If you two already have a ring then I say you should just get engaged. Your parents can’t make your decisions for you anymore, not about where you live or who you marry. But they do probably have your best interest at heart. WHY do they not like your boyfriend? Are they valid reasons or is it just because you’ve moved away for the first time ever?

Post # 13
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Also, if I were you I would be very tempted to have a serious conversation with dad. “Look — I know you wish I’d never met SO, and that you don’t have faith in my relationship with him. But I love him, and that’s not changing. Your inability to find a way to support ME in my decisions, whether you approve of them or not, is damaging the father/daughter relationship that you and I have, and that makes me really sad. I wish you could find a way to accept SO. It would mean a lot to me.”

Post # 14
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You need to protect your boyfriend, and soon to be fiance’. 

Your parents clearly do not want to play ball and honestly you cannot force them. 

Like one of the PPs said you need to set boundries now, apparently you aren’t going to get that close family that includes your boyfriend, and if you keep opening yourself up to your parents dictations and bad attitude your boyfriend is going to get hurt. 

Get engaged when you two feel it is right, tell your parents a few weeks after though so you two can just enjoy the bliss of being engaged I can garuntee you that they’ll piss all over your two’s happiness, so enjoy it for awhile and then call and tell them. Then just keep them out of the loop for your wedding plans and send them an invite in the mail. If they come great, if not well then you basically have your answer on how deep their disapproval goes. 

Maybe they just need to time to think this over, so give them their space and don’t keep trying to push yourselves on them, back off and let these guys contact you on their own terms. 

I am not trying to be rude, or trying to hurt you, it just makes me sad when two people are so happy and they are ready to take that step into the next part of their lives together and parents or other family members just have to be rude about it, that makes me so angry. I am really rooting for you two!

Post # 15
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

So your parents disprove of your bf that they have never met yet you feel guilty about getting engaged without their approval? Do you see how contradictory those statements are? Chances of getting their approval sound slim and honestly, if you are ready to be married, shouldn’t matter.

Is it nice to have approval? Yes. Is it necessary? No. I also wonder why this is such a big deal especially when you obviously have made your own independent decisions in the past and moved away to be with him.

The idea that your father truly thinks he can say no to you getting married is ludicrous! It’s time to stand up and tell them that you will continue to make your own decisions and that their own behavior is unacceptable. Until they learn to accept your bf (or at least MEET him) things will not get better.

Post # 16
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Honestly I think this is just asking for trouble. It sounds like your parents aren’t on board so what the point of your Fi asking if the answer is No?

I don’t think it’s rude of him to ask you the adult and his future mate to get married. I understand for some people it’s an issue of tradition and including the parents. But in this case if you father says no, do you plan on listening to him?

If they answer is no and it is purely symbolic I think you should let it go. I think the best thing to do is let them meet your boyfriend, hopefully they behave them selves and eventually the come to respect your relationship.

 

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