(Closed) Engagement, not how I thought it would be.

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

This is tough.  I think you guys need to decide exactly how important it is to have his parents’ approval.  If you don’t get it, will you call off the engagement, or will you just keep planning for the wedding?  If you decide to keep planning regardless, you’ll have to both be on the same page about that.  It’s easier if you guys stick together as a unit, you know?

Post # 4
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Titania26:  Ok here is how I see it (and coincidently… my SO just today asked for my Dad’s Blessing… kind of cute, because my SO is in his 60s and my Dad in his 80s… Meant a lot to my Dad because my first Hubby never had the “guy talk” with my Dad before we were married.)

In this day and age where women aren’t property, marry later, and couples often live together before marriage, I think it isn’t APPROVAL that one seeks from a Parent, but a BLESSING of your union

My Dad said, “YES, I am happy for you both, CONGRATULATIONS”

A child can ask for that… and it may or may not be given.  Unless you are underage, PARENTAL PERMISSION is NOT REQUIRED.  Getting a Blessing of the Union from Parents is not contingent on moving forward with your life plans…

A change in wording, can make it clear that it is your intention to be an adult, and marry nonetheless.  And having Parental Approval IS NOT contingent on moving forward with your life with or without it. 


Post # 5
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Titania26:  firstly, congratulations!

secondly, i really feel your pain. i am in a very similar situation (though not yet engaged, but will be soon and am already anxious about what’s to come), although i am in your FI’s shoes. my SO has asked my dad for his blessing, and he got a no. (complicated situation, though really not SO’s fault in the least. clash of cultures etc.) 

when he told me, i had expected it so i really was not surprised. upset at the confirmation, but not shocked. and we knew going into this that i will marry him regardless. when i talked to my parents about it and told them i will struggle to be 100% happy if i do not have their support, they said, “if you can’t be sure and happy without our approval, then you’re making the wrong decision.” 

although that stung (because how could they not understand that i want their support? i am otherwise close to them and we get on well), it actually made me step back from fighting for their approval. i really should be sure and happy about it, no matter what anyone else says. and i am. 

i really feel bad for you, because it’s really not an easy situation to be in. i feel awful for my SO who gets treated this way, while his family are so accepting of me. but all you can do is be confident in your own decisions and stick together as a team. even though i am so excited about getting engaged and married to SO, he knows that i sometimes have clouds of anxiety about my parents and how i will have to break the news to them that i accepted his proposal. it makes me so sad that something that is supposed to be an amazing thing in my life has to be tainted in this way, but i also know it’s word it to go through this difficult time, because i am so sure that in the end they will accept him and even be fond of him. he is not easy to dislike! 

it sounds like you are being very supportive and doing all the right things, so i think he just needs to stay calm and remember what he wants most – you! you’ll be able to face it together as long as you have each other’s backs. 

Post # 6
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh, parents. 

When my brother got engaged, he called to tell my mom and she said “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”  Now, she is the sweetest person and fully supports our decisions, but he was crushed.  He waited two weeks to even tell me.  I said “OMIGODYAY, Congrats!”  He almost cried, expecting the same as he got from my mother.  I hung up with him called and bitched her out, and she changed her tune.  We knew she only meant the best for her baby boy, but he needed to hear it from her. 

When my fiance proposed he asked my dad.  Dad said “I appreciate you asking, but she’s a grown woman and we trust her decisions.”  Mom stopped him and made MrJ make a few promises – my favorite to treat me like a princess always.  🙂

We had a pastor ask if we would still marry if she wouldn’t do it.  Duh.  We’ve made the decisions, we’re adults, this is happening.

Are you comitted to each other?  Are you going to do this no matter what?  Yes, having the support of family is invaluable.  But if you feel it’ll be hard to obtain, approach it with the mindset that you’ve made up your mind.  You’re less likely to be challenged if people think you aren’t going away.  It sounds like you have made up your mind, now just live it out.  Say “we’ve come to you to announce some really exciting news.  We’re engaged!  You’re one of the first to know because of how important you are to us.  We know family support is so important and we would love your blessing on our marriage as we move forward.” 

Post # 11
4432 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Titania26:  I’m so glad you are happy even though his parents did what you expected of them….

Unfortunately it’s hard to change people like that…so I would just let it roll and obviously when they feel left out of the details, they’ll come around

Post # 13
4663 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

i’m so happy to see this positive update. the ring is beautiful and you sound so much more relaxed now. with time everything works itself out.

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