(Closed) Engagement not what you dreamed of?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well, I don’t have a sad story to share with you. My only *gripe* with my Fiance is that he didn’t stay on his knee long enough. However, I’d be upset. It sounds like he is either so nervous he almost peed himself or doesn’t care. Maybe you should sit him down and ask him, "are you sure you want to marry me? you seemed so nonchalant when you asked me" and see if that goes somewhere that doesn’t involve a monstrous expolotion. I think if you don’t talk to him about it though, you’ll resent him for it.

Post # 4
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

i think we women are prisoners to what we think men should do, especially when it comes to engagements and weddings.  let’s face it ladies – that is our domain.  seriously, it doesn’t matter how he did your proposal (even if it didn’t live up to what you had been dreaming of), what matters is how he treats you, how you get along, if you have common goals for the future, etc.  It, after all, is about your marriage, not your wedding (or your proposal). 

and i’m really sorry to have to point this out, but it makes me cringe inside when i read you saying that you should be happy that he even asked you to marry him. what about him marring the best woman in the world?  

Post # 5
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I totally agree that this is our domain! Some guys are able to pull it off amazingly but not all can. To be honest, while I had a great proposal – very romantic, and a good story to tell people- I was bummed too. Why, you ask? Because I had kind of given him the idea on my own a few years before! We had seen that you could write messages on M&M’s and I made a big deal about how cute that was and romantic, and he ended up proposing by writing will you marry me on some m&ms. Even though it was adorable, I was a little bummed that he hadn’t thought of something totally on his own. I practically gave him that idea, and planned my own proposal! I couldn’t help but be bummed deep down (Wow, I’ve never actually told anyone this!) I guess I should have been impressed he remembered, but this is one of those things where we as women constantly want MORE romance! We have such high expectatiosn, and they get us into trouble. I was honestly more impressed by the evening he planned totally on his own, and where/what we were doing when he pulled the m&m’s out, than I was about them themselves- even though they were what he was most proud of. 

You shouldn’t feel guilty at ALL. This is more common than you think because we wait our whole lives to be proposed to, and we hope we are one of the ones who get the "great" stories.  My best friend’s mom still talks about how upset she was over her proposal and how it STILL (over 30 yrs later) bothers her, and she brings it up all the time! (He proposed in the car, while they were parking somewhere, just pulled the ring out before they had to be somewhere and asked her to marry him). I think it’s turned into a little bit of a joke between them now now, which might happen to you one day. 

It’s ok to be bummed for awhile, but eventually people will stop asking how he proposed, and eventually you’ll also realize it’s not about how he proposed, but what he was asking you.  🙂 

Post # 6
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I didn’t get the "You are the most wonderful person I’ve ever met ever, here I am on one knee, will you be my wife?" thing either.  But for my fiance, that would have been very out of character for him and almost weird (even though sometimes, I imagine all the lovely things he would have said if he was more verbose and romantic). 

Maybe since you picked out the ring with him he felt silly doing some big proposal since you "knew" he would propose at some point?  It’s okay to be disappointed, think about what could have been, then take a deep breath and move forward.  As long as he genuinely wants to marry you, and vice versa, that’s whats important.

Like monalisa670 said, the proposal could become a wonderful inside story/joke for you, and eventually your children! 

Post # 7
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

My fiance proposed as I was coming out of the bathroom with an upset stomach.  Not the most romantic thing by a long shot!!  And you know what??  Initially I was I disappointed by the proposal, even though I’m not at all a romantic and something crazy romantic would be COMPLETELY out of character for my guy.  And I felt REALLY guilty about that.  But then, after about the 4th time someone squealed and asked "how did he propose??"  I found a way to tell the story that made it hilarious — and then to me it was.  Now I love my ridiculous engagement story cause its mine, and its so very US.  I’m more interesting at dinner parties now too!  So, hang it there, and find what’s meaningful for you in the proposal and you may find yourself feeling different about it in time…

Post # 8
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I honestly wish I remembered my proposal better – I sort of had an idea it was coming but then it went by so quickly! Sometimes I wish we hadn’t shared a bottle at wine at our dinner right before (mostly because maybe then I’d remember the actual moment better). I definitely had ideas about what I might want that didn’t happen (him giving me a cute letter, getting the actual proposal in a photo, and so on), but the bottom line is that people are still impressed by our story because of the when and the where (Christmas Eve in Venice). And I am content with it now, it was what he thought up, and it is ours.

 Also here are two of my favorite engagement stories of adults I know:

1) My friend’s dad proposed to her mom in a laundry room – and then I am pretty sure she said she had to think about it!

2) My aunt and uncle got engaged during a fight.

 Those stories certainly aren’t the most romantic or grand, but they are real and charming and I hope that one day your proposal can be like that too, in retrospect!

Post # 9
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I don’t think you should worry about it.  Some guys are the romantic types and some aren’t.  I think we’re taught that we’re supposed to have this romantic proposal, but isn’t the marriage more important?  My proposal wasn’t very romantic either.

I knew mine was coming that day because I could see the ring box in his pocket.  By the end of our outing he still hadn’t done it, so I thought he was having second thoughts.  He waited until our train ride back, when he hid the ring under some newspapers.  He asked me if I could hand him the newspaper that was easily in reach for both of us, but because I was grumpy about the whole situation, I told him to get it himself.  He kept bugging me to grab the newspaper and I sure am glad I did!

Post # 10
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think it’s totally normal and understandable that you feel disappointed, but that it’s also not the end of the world. I felt some disappointment about my wedding night. My husband has a sensitive stomach, and all the nerves of the day culminated in him throwing up all night and moaning in serious pain, barely sleeping. It was NOT the wedding night I had envisioned at all, and it’s a night I can never do again. As I nursed him in the airport the next morning as we were about to fly away for our cruise, I called my mom crying. I felt so unhappy and disappointed.

But you know what? Now it is a great story, and one I love telling. Sometimes the things that disappoint us at the time end up being great in retrospect. They make our stories unique. So you had a fiance who was so nervous all he could do was throw the ring in your lap? I think that sounds cute. I can’t imagine how excited he must be to be marrying you. 

Post # 11
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

Mr. Mary Jane did it at home, while I was in my sweatpants and working on a big school project that was due that coming Monday. It’s not an elaborate plan or a candle-lit dinner, but I am so thrilled to be marrying him that I really don’t care. Too much romance would have been out of character and weird for us (just as previous commenters have said).

I think that if the proposal is the only thing bothering you — if he’s treating you well and seems genuinely happy to become your husband, you might want to suck this up and just live with it. Maybe you can romanticize the story the way IronMaiden did. You could say that the two of you were enjoying an evening cuddling on the couch with your favorite show, when he pulled out the ring and asked you to be his wife. I think that’d be a sweet story. 😉

What’s the best outcome you could get from talking to him about this? Would he take the ring back and re-do a proposal you could be proud of? And, would that be as meaningful, or as legit, when he’d already asked you once?  These are things you should consider if you think you need to bring it up with him. In My Humble Opinion, I’d just live with it. You have more important things to be thrilled about now. Like the wedding! And being his wife!

Post # 12
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

hey my story is kindof like yours.. except for its different


see when i knew my bf had gotten the engagement ring the first thing i said to him was… "don’t you dare propose to me on valentines day or my birthday(3/7)" so he got a little upset and just gave me the rings to hold until he felt it was the time to propose.. my dumb self looked and it was beautiful.. but back to the story so i was holding my rings and on 3/4/08 he asked me to give them back so i did.. and as we were driving away from my house not even 3 blocks he just asked me out of the blue.. i was a little mad.. well not so little i said no.. well no i said yes but when he noticed i wasn’t too happy he asked me again and i said no.. and then like 2 hours later he asked me again and well i said yes.. and that’s the story i will be telling my children someday in the future…  it’s not the beautiful candlelit dinner, or the great speech he had me crying, it’s just the umm ok i guess it was cool?.? so yea

Post # 13
17 posts
  • Wedding: May 2009

Mine wasnt romantic at all. First I knew it was coming and he too got me as I was coming out of the bathroom. But to be totally romantic is neither of us. He actually said " So you gonna marry me or what?" and my response was "Uh-huh!" But to me it was perfect, because that totally suited our personalities. And everybody we know and asked us, laughred because they sid it was totally us.

Post # 14
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My fiance did the same thing.  We were sitting on the couch just watching TV.  I looked horrendous after a very very long day.  He said "I have a surprise for you" and got down on one knee.  I don’t even remember what he said because my mind was racing over the fact that it was happening like that.  I just hugged him and tried not to cry because I really did imagine something amazing.  I said yes, but then had to put the ring on my own finger.  I was so disappointed and I felt like a horrible person for feeling that way.  

I cried to a couple of friends about it who told me that our expectations are too high because of how we are raised.  (I should have never watched that dang show "Perfect Proposal").  I know now that the way he proposed was just very true to his personality and his personality is what makes him the man I want to marry. 

Thanks for asking this question.  I thought I was the only one feeling that way. 


Post # 15
20 posts
  • Wedding: April 2009


Ladies no matter what they do, we can always relay to something grander or more amazing. My guy is like the complete romantic slush, and I knew he had the ring (one I had shown  him I had liked out of many!!! But it was the best!!!). It was coming up to the back holiday wkend last yr, and I was hoping to either go and visit a very dear relative of mine, or to go away for a bit of fun like to DisneyWorld. Life was at a particular difficult time. Anyways, he was finally coming home for the bank hols, and I told him this. Talk about miscommunication!!!! LOL! Sorry I cant help but Laugh! When he told me he was coming home, he also said that he had booked tickets to Paris – so I though Yay!! Disney World!!! FOR A WHOLE WEEK!!! It wasn’t until we were leaving for the airport (him having come home) that I realised that we were going to VENICE!!! LOL! He’d called whilst I was still sleeping and I’d had my own agenda in mind. Needless to say he could tell I was dissappointed that it wasnt DisneyLand. But I loved the whole trip and would love to go back. I was also dissappointed he didnt propose at a very nice restaurant we had a very romantic dinner at. But the cheesy Gondola ride, yep with the musician was all rather special!!!  Can’t complain – Loved it all. But it wasnt a suprise as such as, he had to go in a bag to get the box out – which is positively huge!!!! Well whilst he was getting it out I had hoped he was going to propose. Only thing is – he didnt get down on one knee!!!! And didn’t actually ask properly until prompted – tut tut. But I know it was because he was embarassed. We had a comical gondola-dude who just didnt stop!!!! LOL!

Post # 16
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I was a little disappointed at my proposal too, but what it comes down to is that we are marrying each other, and in the end, thats what matters!


A romantic proposal would have been out of character for my fiance, too!  But what it was was pretty cute, all things considered.


I kind of knew the proposal was coming, and he did it on christmas… Let me give you a little bit of background.


1. My fiance has some health problems, which results in him not feeling well from time to time. At any (sometimes inconvenient) moment, his back could cause him major pain, or his stomach could turn on him, etc.  Annoying, yes, but those are the cards we’ve been dealt.


2. We have opposite sleeping schedules.  He is a night owl, and I fall asleep at 10 pm most nights.


Well. He had asked that we spend christmas together at our apartment, as opposed to traveling a couple of hours to spend the day with our families. He had to work christmas night, and wanted to spend the day together before he had to go in.  


Well, christmas morning came, and he was sleeping, sleeping, sleeping… I finally couldn’t take it any more and asked him if I could open my presents.  He half asleep half awake said yes, so I went ahead.


He was sort of groggy through the whole thing, but it went like this.


The ring was wrapped up in box after box, with a message written on each one.  It started out saying things along the lines of "I never knew I could love someone this much."  "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "So will you??"  It was almost as if he set it up so that he didn’t have to do anything himself! LOL


I’ve never actually shared the whole story with anyone, I always just tell the part about how it was packaged, and that he proposed on Christmas day.


Disappointment aside, I can’t wait to get married! 

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