Post # 1
Hello all you beautiful Bees!
I wanted to share my story, in hopes that I could hear some of your positive outcomes. That feeling of hope and support is so crucial during these times.
I moved back from the east coast to San Francisco a little over 3 years ago. I remained with the same company and continued to further my career, I knew at that point I was also ready to truly commit and settle down with a partner. I had a on and off relationship and in the mean time I had grown closer to someone in the office. It started off as more of a friendship then finally he got the courage to take it to the next step. We started dating and it was if everything perfectly fell into place. I was not someone to believe you could fall in love so quickly but with us we did. He moved in with me and we started to plan our future. After a year we also decided to move to Southern California and we went house shopping and closed on our home late last year.
Throughout the relationship his mother showed major signs of jealously and control. It seemed to get tamed until we bought the house and moved. Within a month of us moving into the new home, she and her family came to visit and started a war. She proceeded to turn the whole family against our relationship and basically said to him she would have nothing to do with us together. It was devastating to me. We tried to hold our relationship together for as long as possibe but his mother was determined to break it up. I felt she just could not handle her son loving another woman and she had the control over the entire family to get them on her side as well. So the relationship ended and I had to buy him out of the house. We lived together for 3 months while I worked through getting he house refinanced, etc. He moved out around 1.5 months ago and it has been so difficult. The fear of not finding love again can be overwhelming. I am 33 and gave my everything to him, love, support, companionship…I am a strong woman and at the end of the day I feel he had the chance to choose and he let his mom/family destroy it all.
As a side note, I had tried to communicate with her. I wrote her a letter, to which she responded “her beautiful words mean nothing.” His sister even came down and stayed with us for a month, which she would speak to her mother in another language about me. I see the toxicity of the family and I know that it wouldnt have been positive in the longterm, but would love to hear some positive stories.
Post # 2
You poor thing! Funnily enough, my two longest relationships had difficult families that always made out that the problem was me. I almost believed them. But I was only ever accommodating, kind, cooked them meals, made an effort, worked hard, looked after their son. When I met my now Fiance – his family loves me. It’s such a relief because I’ve lived the opposite. It wasn’t me, it was them.
You WILL find love again, and the right person. It really hurts now but it’s the best thing, and the right thing, for you. The pain will pass I promise. It never would have worked with this woman in the picture, and not many people would choose a spouse over family when it comes to it (although I guarantee when she does this to all his partners he will start regretting going along with it in ten years time when he has failed to settle down!)
And 33 is still so young – seriously. 30’s are the best time of your life. Try and go out and do all the things when you are ready – don’t turn down any invitations – and meet lots of people. Have fun and enjoy others company – male and female. The right man will come along.
Hugs – good luck!
Post # 3
P.S I really recommend acceptance and commitment therapy – ACT. It has helped me get through tough times – and to accept and commit to the fact that past loves weren’t for me. It involves a lot of acceptance and thinking about the reality of situations and not the rose coloured versions that we like to hold on to, in order to let ourselves move on easier
Look up Russ Harris 🙂
Post # 4
I have dated into a few ahole families as well. You always hear that “it is not possible to hate someone for no reason”… but it is. Because I have had more families like me than the few that hated me as soon as I first walked in the door.
My mom always said that I may love the guy, but if his family treated me bad for no reason then what would change in million years? Nothing. Be blessed it ended. Because it would have been a lifetime of misery and possibly you and your ex fighting all the time because of it.
Something much more than better will come along… I just say enjoy the heck out of being single and work on your career. He will come waltzing in unexpectedly.
Post # 5
Yea….I agree with pp he will probabaly come back at some point as he realizes he made a mistake.
I’m so sorry you put so much into something that did not work out. I think extended family dynamics are one of the top stressors on relationships. It sucks when people outside the relationship can cause so much turmoil within it. I am glad you got out when you did because it doesn’t sound like he had your back or was willing to chose you over them. You will find someone worthy of your time and commitment you are still young and have lots left to enjoy! Hugs.
Post # 6
I just had a friend go something similar. It definitely sucks- and living with him all that time after it was over seems like salt in the wound. But the bottom line is he could have chosen you over his mother, could have cut ties with the toxic relationship his family offered and chosen a life full of love with you, but instead he knowingly chose to put his mother first.
Sure, his mom forced him to make that choice when a good mom would have put her differences with you aside for the good of her son, but we’ve already decided she’s a crappy person.
I just hope you are able stop pining for the “great” man you lost / hoping things may be different someday when she comes around- because the fact of the matter is, you will never be the #1 woman in his life. One day you’ll find someone who puts you first like you deserve, and it will make everything about this relationship feel like a bad dream.
Post # 7
I think the best thing you can do is learn from the relationship and make sure that you don’t give to a relationship at the expense of yourself. I was in a 4 year relationship I thought would turn into marriage. Instead he broke up with me and told me he wasn’t in love with me and wasn’t sure he ever was. Ouch. It was really heart breaking and 1.5 months out I was definitely still in a tender place. But I used it as the excuse I needed to be selfish and focus on myself. I completely refocused my life on things that were important to me. It was almost like a rebirth. The death of that relationship allowed me to get to a much healthier place. Because of what happened I also got MUCH better at reading the signs in relationships and asking for what I needed. I’m also now engaged to an amazing man. Without a doubt he’s a perfect fit for me and I’m not sure I would have found him had I not gone through that. After that I wasn’t willing to settle and held out for the right guy. I’m so glad I did.
Post # 8
Thank you so much <3 I appreciate the support
Post # 9
and Hola, 2018!
Story #1 is my own.. I’m 35, met fiancé at 32. I was about your current age when I met him. Guess what, a dude whom i dated for 2 weeks when I was 31 told me I was old and will never find anybody who’d be with me if I dumped him. I did. And a year later, I met the one. There are ups and downs and issues to work out before we get married but we’re going to work it out nevertheless. He said he’s been thinking about marrying me even when I was a bit crazier and emo (I still am, but finally submitting thesis so it’ll be better from now). He brings so much joy to my life, and his family cares for me. In fact sometimes more than my own (sigh!)
Story #2 is my friend’s. She’s 36, a year older than me. Just met her bf about 3 months ago, and he’s 37. After 8 weeks together, they brought up marriage topic already. His parents adore her.
Signs that things are aligned: you’re comfortable with the guy, you can be you, it’s natural to be truthful and eyes no longer wander around, to the point it feels wrong not being 100% honest in anything, he’s opinionated but not judgemental, blessings and support from both sides of family (if there’s absence of support, but the couple grows stronger, also a sign it’s good). Laughter in the relationship, and even if you look like a total wreck he thinks you’re a beauty n tells you so by the look in his eyes.
There’s hope, young bee! 2018 will be awesome!! 😘😘😘
Post # 11
I was in a relationship for 5 years, his family was over bearing and liked to make comments about me. Then he made comments about me, we got engaged and started to plan a wedding. His family got to much and he decided that spending time with them was more important than me . I was slowly lost myself for a while. He decided to say he would not talk to me for 3 days. After 2 days he came back and was real cocky and said I was worried you would breack up with me but I know you would never do that. In response I gave him my engagement ring and asked him to leave (I was at my Mum and dads house). I was crushed he was all I knew for 5 controlling years. But then one day I ran into an old friend from high school we fell in love, got married and had kids. We’re happy, his mum is opinionated but he stand up for me and my values the way it should be. You have been dealt a blow but bee it’s not the end! Don’t give up!