(Closed) Engagement on super thin ice…kinda long

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@waitingtobeamrs: What is your and your FI’s relationship with his family?

What sort of “rude” and “disrespectful” things does he say to your family?

Have you thought about couples counseling to understand how to communicate with each other (and possibly with your family) better.

Post # 4
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

“This had always been a trouble spot for us, b/c i am extremely close with my family and always put them first and I hated how he didn’t respect them like I did.”

When you are married, your husband comes first.  It seems he senses that he will never come before the rest of your family, and is resentful of that.  Even when you speak of your family vs your fiance, you put your family in a positive light and him in a negative light.

I am not saying that he has no fault in your problems, but this a big glaring red flag.

Post # 5
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Not good. Sorry you’re hurting. 🙁 It sounds like he has some issues with forgiveness and just generally being considerate. You shouldn’t have to beg your fiance to be civil with your family, especially when no one intentionally wronged him. If he doesn’t want to play nice and being close with your family is important to you, you either need to call it quits or seek professional help together and hope that does the trick.

Also, it’s been my experience that describing a loved one using words like “very bold, outspoken, spoke whatever he was feeling” is usually a euphemism for “asshole.”

Post # 6
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

@Lt.Columbo: Great point. Although I wonder if it’s a chicken-egg situation. I’d have a hard time not sticking up for my family if my boyfriend came in combative.

Post # 7
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Lt.Columbo: I was going to say this same thing, When you pledge your life to someone, they become your most important person. They are your number 1, then your family, then your friends (depending on your dynamic, some people lump together, some have shitty families and friends are more important). I bet a lot of his anger and frustration comes from the way that you always stick up for them, and in his eyes, its him against you and your family.

I can relate to him a lot, I have a lot of the same qualities of not being able to let go or not holding a grudge, but I am working on that. I also speak my feelings, and I know its hard for some people to deal with, but I am not going to change. I try not to be hurtful as much as I can, but sometimes, being blunt and honest is the only way to get your point across.

I’m not condoning what he’s doing, but this is the way he is. You may love him, but if you both can’t come to an undesrtanding then you probably shouldn’t be marrying him

Post # 8
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Lt.Columbo: I do agree with this. You can still be close with your family but your husband does become your immediate family and first priority.

Post # 9
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

there is definitely a lot going on here….the only thing I would add is that your FI/FH shouldn’t be pulling you away from your family. I know that sometimes “the in laws” can be hard to deal with. Personally, my mom’s family didn’t like my dad, and sometimes I think there is still a little tension there. My dad is a wonderful person and one of my heros! So, it happens.

However, I think that your Fiance should realize and recognize how important your family is to you and make a real effort to get along with them (like he has in the past), and put grudges aside. Holding a grudge against your little sister for so long seems really childish. I can understand maybe he don’t want to do any favors for her in the future, but not speaking to her at all seems really out of line.

I know it’s hard for him not to feel your support for his feelings, but it’s a two way street. He has to support your feelings too, right? I get the impression that your Fiance is very strong-willed. That can be good for some things and not so good for others. You should look inside yourself and see if you can handle the ups and downs and the fights and the make-ups. Everyone has a different tolerance for that. Relationships are hard and people will inevitably fight. But if you love each other and respect each other and are equally dedicated to making it work together, then I believe that anything is possible.

Hope it works out for the best!

Post # 10
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@waitingtobeamrs: Although I agree with PP that your husband comes first, you wouldn’t defend you husband when he’s the one doing wrong, right?

If you’re that close with your family and he’s acting like that to them it will always be a problem, you won’t leave your family and it can be unbearable to chare your life with someone who doesn’t respect them or treats them right, can you imagine having children who disrespect their grandparents just cause that’s what daddy does?

Post # 11
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@coffee cup, exactly my husband may come first, but if he’s being stupid and unreasonable, I’m going to tell him that and expect him to listen to me also.  As my respectful open minded husband, I expect him to hear me out as well and try to see what I’m saying.  I’m not going to blindly sit there and follow his ways if I dont think he is in the right.

Post # 12
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He is what he is. He IS NOT going to change!  What you see is what you get.  If you’re willing to spend the rest of your days with this tension and feeling like you have to choose between your family and him, go on and marry him.  If what has been going on is not what you want, this break up may be a blessing in disguise.  

Just curious: He ignored your sis for months.  Does he completely ignore you when he is mad at you?  My ex husband used to do that to me.  It is called mental abuse.  

Post # 13
748 posts
Busy bee

@Lt.Columbo: I completely agree. You need to understand that your future husband must come first once you’re married. You wouldn’t want your husband to listen to his family if they didn’t like you and you were in his position, would you? No, you would want him to stand by you. This is what you have to do with your fiance and family as well.

Post # 14
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My family is also very important to me, and when I starting dating I knew I had to find someone who could get along with my family, all of them. I have seen both relationships. One like you are describing where your Fiance doesn’t respect your family and wants you to take their side when they are wrong, in your eyes.

My Fiance loves my family. If my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents ever needed anything he was the willing to help do whatever needed to be done. He can’t wait to go to Houston to spend time with them. In fact, our last visit was HIS idea. So I understand where you are coming from in that respect. Its excatly what I wanted. But he didn’t really have a good homelife with his parents, and now we have a very weak relationship with his parents. We try, but they don’t seem bothered by it. They aren’t very family oriented, which works for them. 

My brothers wife is the opposite. She is repeatedly disrespectful to myself and my family (all of them). She gets mad at my brother for going over to the house to help my parents with anything, much less my aunts/uncles/grandparents. When they do come over it is for a purpose, they need something. They as a couple do not really spend time with us as a family. The last fight they got in was because my parents asked him/them to feed the dogs while they were out of town, and one of the dogs is THEIRS. She gets mad about how much time he spends at the house. He struggles to make her his number one proirity, but our upbring was to help family when they need it regardless of whats going on. Thats what family is for, to us. I know for him it is a HUGE struggle and it is one of the main reasons they have their ugliest fights.

I think that you talk, you need to tell him what your expecations are with you and your famil, and what kind of relationships you want for your childern with parents/grandparents and what family means to each of you, and what you want it to mean for your “future” family. Ask yourself do you want to struggle with this for the rest of your life?

Hope this helps.

Post # 15
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

You know, I read this and I don’t see that the actual issue is with your family, but I think it rests with you SO’s inability to admit when he’s at fault in a situation. He is not acting in a reasonable way when he’s pissed, and instead of admitting that when he’s calmed down, he throws the responsibility on others (“they should know what not to say to not piss me off”; he blames you for not being supportive enough when there is no grounds to support him when he acts inappropriately, etc.). Everyone is responsible for their own actions, not others – he can’t blame everyone else for how he is acting.

I would definitely want him to work on this before getting married, because life with someone who is never wrong and blames his frustrations on others can be long (especially when you get to raising children and such).

Post # 16
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Lt.Columbo: husbands don’t come first.

If he acts like this to you and your parents how is he going to respond to children?

If the make a mistake or lie or do something that children do is he going to be so hurtful.

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