(Closed) Engagement over?? Addiction to teen porn. ugh.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

Your daughter is not safe. You would be unwise to stay in this relationship. I know many on here will agree with me. My stomach is now aching after reading about the things you found on his computer and phone. I have 4 younger sisters (ages 12 to 17) and it SICKENS me to think a middle aged man like him would be taking pictures of them in public, or downloading their pictures off Facebook, to arouse him sexually. That makes me want to cry.

I personally am not okay with porm at all – but I know many couples are. The key word there is COUPLES. This would be a little bit different if the two of you were in your early to mid twenties. But he is FORTY FIVE, like you said. This is totally unacceptable.

Your daughter is 8 now, but she will start to develop, socially, physically, emotionally, into a young teen and then a young woman. VERY soon. It is unwise to bring her into a new family situation where in another 8 years, she will be in the “ideal” age range for your FI’s porn habits. That is NOT okay, under any circumstance.

The fact that his dad was addicted to porn is no excuse. The fact that he has such EXCESSIVE porn is no excuse. Even if he deletes it all and apologizes a million times, the mental twistedness is still there. I say get out now while you still can, before the situation gets worse.

 

Post # 4
Member
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@motleguin:  YES! You did the right thing! You saved yourself and your daughter from this man!  Im sorry that you have to deal with this loss but GOD BLESS YOU for recognizing the danger signs that are clearly present here. Cut your losses and think of your daughter every time your mind plays tricks on you. you sound like a great woman with a good heart…don’t waste it on this guy. 

Post # 5
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Geez… im sorry you’re going through this…

I wouldnt risk it if i were you.

Post # 6
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry, but I would not be okay with that, but I don’t feel comfortable with porn in the first place, but I know that some couples are okay with it and I respect that. But what really concerns me in this case is the barely legal stuff and that he’s been taking photos of random girls. That is just completely disturbing and a violation of their privacy. Sure, he says now that he knew it was wrong when he was doing it, but that’s easy to say after you’ve been caught. Obviously his internal moral compass didn’t kick in enough to stop him from doing it in the first place or to stop once he started until you found out and then suddenly he’s willing to do a 180 degree change. I just wouldn’t buy it because I wouldn’t trust him. There’s clearly a reason that he did this in the first place and a reason that he felt it was okay.

 

The fact that you have a young daughter makes this situation all the more concerning. You sound like an intelligent, articulate woman and I’m sure your intuition is telling you something is clearly wrong here. Sure, you could stick by him and hope therapy changes him, but if it were me I wouldn’t be willing to pin my hopes and future on someone who so clearly lacks respect and morals.

Post # 7
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

wow. How hard this must be for you. I can only imagine. I understand porn and the fun of it. If used properly it can be fun for use in the bedroom. Regarding the legal aged porn photos-I would feel betrayed at the need to have these saved on a phone or computer. Looking at it in the “moment” is one thing but saving and obsessing over it is another. I would be disappointed but it would not be a deal breaker if we discussed it and i was comfortable with his reasoning and the decision we made for future use of porn.

Ok so next one–Taking pictures himself of women without them knowing is terrible. that is voyeurism and it is illegal. Women that have been victimed to this type of act can go through the same emotions of a woman who has been raped. Even though they were not physically harmed it is still the fact that they were preyed upon without their knowledge or consent. Depending on the pictures this could actually be illegal. This would be a deal breaker for me. It would be way way way too much.

Now, on to the under aged porn. WHOA! It doesn’t matter if it is considered porn or not. My concern would be at the fact he is able to be aroused by such a young girl. I would be scared to death if i had a young daughter.

If you do want to stay with him PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek therapy. SERIOUS therapy.. not one free session therapy. Situations like this could take months to years to resolve.

The decision to stay or go is only one you can make. But there are so many red flags you HAVE to be very cautious. Is it really worth it? Is he worth it?

No matter what your daughter is number one and it is extremely important to protect her from ALL harm. You do not want her to be violated in any way. Even if he never touched her i would be so terrified just by him LOOKING at her based on what you found with the  pictures of a voyeuristic nature.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

Post # 8
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@TogetherThroughLife:  +1

 

I am sorry to say it but I agree that your daughter is likely not safe, particularly as she starts to mature. In my work I deal with cases of child sex abuse on a daily basis and most of it occurs in the home, perpetrators often start with addictions to porn and with no intentions to harm their child or stepchild. 

its troublesome that he is making excuses for his behaviour – this is dangerous and unpredictable behaviour – I for one think you should leave, though I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you. I hope that you have supportive friends and family to help you through this…xo

Post # 9
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@motleguin:  Sexual behavior is secretive and as a result very difficult to change. Stay away from this man and be glad you found out by coming across those pictures and not after finding out he took pictures of or molested your daughter.

Post # 10
Member
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Im very sorry you going thru this, But it just isnt worth it to take the chance.
You dont want to put your daughter in that situation, your relationship with her is SOO much more important then this perv. Just be glad you fount this out before you married him!!

Post # 11
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

I should add, I am in no way trying to be harsh or imply that leaving him would be an EASY desicion for you. I step into your shoes (as best as I can) and look at it this way: if this was MY fiance, whom I love and trust very much, I would be mortified and utterly confused.

It won’t be an easy road, but it is the right road. Nothing worth having in life comes easy. The “easy” thing to do would be forgive him and move on. But that won’t fix his twisted mind. You NEED to leave and find support. A church, a therapist, a family member, a close friend, a counselor, anyone. Anything. This man does NOT need to be who you are closest to. You cannot change him, nor should you try. You need to step out of the situation and let him NOT be your problem anymore. With you having a young daughter, you should NOT be around a man like this.  Find comfort and solace elsewhere, and take shelter in other relationships.

Us bees are always here for support if you need it. But please, please take us at our word.

Post # 12
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You did the right thing.Cut your losses and move on.Don’t even entertain bringing your daughter around him.Thank god you found out before you married him.Be strong!

Post # 13
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all I am so very sorry that you are going through this!  I can’t imagine what this must be like for you ((HUGS!))  I haven’t personally dealt with this exact scenario, but I have dealt with an SO with an addiction.  Your therapist is 100% spot on in saying that if he is only doing this for you, it will never stop.  He will find ways to get his kicks and the more secretive he has to be, the more dangerous it will become.  I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!  If that’s not reason enough, run for your DAUGHTER’S life!! 

If this was an issue that his father had, it is clearly a generational thing.  Even though he hates his dad and wants to be nothing like him, unfortunately, he has put himself on a path to be exactly like him and if there was sexual abuse, it will almost certainly trickle down to him.  Please..for the sake of your daughter..get away from this man!!  I know that you love him and you wish you could change this terrible thing about him, but trust me as someone who has tried to convert an addict, you absolutely cannot! 

My heart is absolutely shattered for you and I wish I could give helpful words that I’m sure you wish you could hear, but you absolutely should get out before it’s too late.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you make this difficult decision.

Post # 14
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I am so very sorry you are going through this. I do think the right thing to do for your daughters safety above all else is to leave him. Even if he isn’t aware of his danger towards her, and even IF he isn’t currently sexually attracted to her because she is only 8, I worry that as she gets closer to the age in which he is sexually most attracted (13-17) if you were to stay, having her around would be too much for him to hold back from. I know saying that is hard to hear but as a person who was abused by a man attracted to children I know exactly how much they cannot control themselves. It’s a really horrible situation for everyone and I am SO sorry for that. I really hope that despite losing you, he still decides to get the help he needs and he stops doing this to himself. I wish I could give you a hug, I really feel for you.

Post # 15
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee

A lot of guys have porn on their computers so they dont get a virius.  My SO said he’ll never look at porn on his computer, but will on his phone. he’s an IT guy and said its safer.

That being said, I’d go with your gut. You are concerned and I think you should be. Having a complete collection of teen pics is disturbing.

 

I’m sorry you are going trhough this but I think you are a great mother for wanting to project your daughter.  With your poor daughter in the house, would he try to cross the line from reality into fantasy? Its sickening. Protect her and yourself.

 

 

Post # 16
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@motleguin:  I think that because of your daughter, you really need to stay out of this relationship.

He may be telling the truth and not actually attracted to teenage girls, but what if he’s drunk one night and acts on this when your daughter is around? It could happen.

I know it’s hard, and I was considering that maybe it didn’t have to be over until the point where you wrote that he took pics of girls in everyday life. That crosses a line for me and creeps me out.

I am trying to be open minded here and even though I don’t like porn personally, understand that men are visual creatures etc., but it does seem like this is a case of excess.

I think that as hard as it is, you need to stay away from him, if only for your daughter’s sake. I think that if you stay with him, you’ll always wonder if he’s attracted to your daughter, and you might start feeling like he isn’t attracted to you (since you’re 43), and become really insecure and so on… it’s just not a good path to go down.

Shitty situation!! It is good you haven’t moved in yet or married him.

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