(Closed) Engagement over?? Addiction to teen porn. ugh.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@motleguin:  Listen to your therapist and report him. Let the police determine whether or not he has anything illegal on his computer. Voyeurism IS illegal, at the very least.

 

You will be doing a disservice to your daughter if you go back to him knowing that he is capable of harming her.

 

Consider this: if your daughter knew what was on his computer, would she feel comfortable staying in a home you shared with him? How would she feel about you maintaining a relationship with him?

Post # 18
Member
11387 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your therapist is right.  Don’t risk putting your daughter through hell.

Post # 19
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@motleguin: 

I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this problem! *Hugs* I was married to someone that had thousands upon thousands of pictures/videos of pornography on his computer (although none were the kind that made me feel the need to call cops thankfully). I agree with some of the previous posters that getting out of that situation with your daughter is probably the safest bet.

Yes, he may feel remorseful about having pictures, but the only thing that will probably change is his ability to hide it better. And when your daughter begins to develop, if not sooner, she may attract (unwanted) attention as well.

If for no other reason than the safety and wellbeing of your girl, you definitely should consider breaking it off and removing him from your lives. Pictures and masturbatory behavior is one thing, but your instincts are telling you something isn’t right.. listen to your gut!

Post # 20
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OVER. Call the cops. He took pictures of girls without their knowledge. For your daughter’s sake. Think of your daughter. Omg.

Post # 21
Member
3729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

@motleguin:  You did the right thing. It is not worth risking putting your daughter in that environment.

Post # 22
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

As the overwhelming replies say- this is not okay. Your relationship should be over, I wouldn’t even consider talking to him still. 

 

Firstly, there should be cause for huge concern with your daughter. Yes, she is only eight, but in five years time, she will be 13. And you say some of these images look as if these girls are 13. 

 

I wouldn’t give him another chance even if he went to therapy. I wouldn’t be able to relax, feel safe or bring my child into that.

 

Secondly, you deserve better. And you will find someone 100 time better than he could ever be. You don’t deserve to be thinking about whether your child will be safe, you don’t need to be thinking about whether he is doing these things, whether you are good enough, what is happening with your relationship. You deserve to find someone who LOVES you, someone who treats ALL women with respect and dignity regardless of age, or their sexual arousal, you deserve better.

 

Don’t look back.

Post # 23
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I wasn’t bothered in the least by your first several paragraphs. While I do not find pornography addiction to be a particularly appealing trait in a mate, I think there are larger problems you could potentially face. I’m a pretty sexually open person, and porn doesn’t really bother me when it’s used ‘recreationally’.

However, when you got to the part about some of them being pictures he took of women (or in some cases, it seems, ‘girls’), without their knowledge, major red flags went up. This is not okay. This already indicates there is a disconnect between appropriate and inappropriate behavior in his mind. Unfortunately, even with therapy, I still wouldn’t be comfortable living with him with my daughter if I were in your shoes.

I think you’ve made the right descision, and need to listen to your therapist.

Post # 24
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Your daughter is number 1. No matter how sincere he might be with his intent to straighten up, I’m afraid there will always be some degree of concern for your daughter’s safety. How will you be comfortable going away and possibly leaving your daughter alone with this man? Between what you saw of his collection and what the therapist told you, there would always be that worry, IMO.

Post # 25
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Unfortunately, I have heard of so many cases of girls being sexually abused by their stepfathers, that I would be very concerned that he could pose a threat to your daughter as she becomes a teenager. I dont think it’s worth the risk of letting your daughter live with a guy who is clearly very sexually attracted to young girls.  If he was just addicted to normal porn of adult-looking women I wouldn’t think it was a big deal, but the fact that it’s young girls is scary. 

Post # 26
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Please don’t be another single mom who puts her romantic interests above her child.  This situation is NOT safe for a child who will soon be a pre-teen, reaching puberty.  I honestly don’t even understand how you are STILL considering moving your child into the home with him.  I don’t know, it’s just hard for me trust people once they’ve violated that and this is something I wouldn’t dare take a chance with.  There is no way in hell I’d even be entertaining feeling sorry for him and reconciling.

If he is sexually aroused by these girls on porn, then he is sexually aroused by them in public/real life.  Why in the hell else would he be taking pictures of younger women without their knowledge?  He’s obviously not going to tell you, “Yeah, I like underaged girls!”  Of course he’s going to lie to cover his tracks.  Listen to your therapist.

Post # 27
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You will never feel safe with him–both for yourself and your daughter. How can you ever have sex with him knowing that he likes young pubescent bodies? How would you ever feel safe leaving him alone with her over the weekend once she begins to blossom? What if she has friends that come over? 

A teenage girls sexuallity can be very confusing for the adult men in their lives. I have a friend who has a god-daughter. They were on vacation and brought friends along. He and the Dad talked about how weird it was to biologically have an attraction to these bikini clad women. they knew it was wrong and would never do anything, but psychologically it’s a mind-f*ck for them. And these are men who aren’t using Barely Legal porn to get off. 

I remember being 12-13 and testing out my sexuallity with older men. Flirting with them, sitting on their laps. It was a power trip. Luckily, those men thought it was cute and treated me like the child I was. But I shutter to think what if they werent stand up men and took advantage of me.

As a side note–My Mom’s friend had a boyfriend from about the same age as your daughter. When the daughter was 22, he left the Mom and started dating the daughter. Turns out they had been having an affair for several years, often in the house, with the Mom there. They say it started once she was 18…but I don’t believe that for a moment.

Do not buy into his sob story. Sorry he had a rough childhood, but he had years to get help. You need to leave him and stay gone!

Post # 28
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh yeah, he took pictures of girls without their knowledge (which I think is illegal). How bad would you feel when you find a web cam in your teenage daughters bathroom?

Post # 29
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

You have your daughter’s safety to worry about. He may be telling the truth about not being attracted to her- but is that a risk you are willing to take? He wouldn’t tell you if he was attracted to her now and you can’t predict his future actions. Your daughter’s current and future safety are not worth it.

I know my opinion is biased. I found out after the fact that a friend of mine was repeatedly raped by her stepfather. She didn’t tell her mother, her friends, the police for years. Her mother had no idea the enitre time.

Post # 30
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

@motleguin:  

Wow.  Reading that just kept getting worse and worse.  Porn, barely legal porn, naked teenagers, taking photos without girls’ consent.  Disgusting.  You really need to listen to your therapist.  Don’t let your feelings for him confuse you.  He has a serious problem, one that I think will probably land him in jail one day.  If he hasn’t already broken any laws (which I doubt) he will one day.  All you know about him is what you found in his phone and computer, imagine all of the things he hasn’t told you and that you didn’t find.  How could you ever trust him?  This is so horrible, sorry this has happened to you.

Post # 31
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I’m with you porn doesn’t bother me at all but that’s just disgusting.  I wouldn’t be okay with the pictures on his phone unless he had the pictures password protected.  I would never be okay with him actually taking pictures of women without their permission and having them on his computer and the age development he’s into.

Don’t go back to him.  Just remember this is for your daughters safety.  She could see them or he might even go after her.

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