I just caught up on your thread, and my heart is aching for you. I have been through something similar. I dated a guy for almost two years and thought he was my world. At this time in my life, this was my longest and most serious relationship. I had some low self esteem issues going on (I was overweight and thought nobody would think of me romantically, or even want to be friends with me, that I could never say the right thing). I clinged to this guy. For awhile, things were good! He made me feel good about myself and I loved talking to him.
Then, things turned. He was going to study abroad, and made it clear that we were going to “take a break” while he was on this trip (for 4 months…not long at all!). For the last 6 months of our relationship, I kept worrying that he would slip away and I would never find anybody ever again. I did everything I could to try to make him stay.
None of it worked.
He didn’t contact me while he studied abroad…wait, I take that back. I sent brownies to him, overseas, and he said that they were delicious but he let his laundry soap leak all over them. Before he went over there, he would purposely hang out around girls that he knew I wasn’t comfortable with. He would comment about my appearance and try to change me to be what he wanted.
We did meet up, once, after he got back into town. It went all right, but it was crystal clear to me that we weren’t getting back together. I then promised myself that I needed to go out and meet new people and get involved in some new things. I deleted all e-mails from him, I made a “so-and-so box” and put everything in it that reminded me of him. I taped it up and hid it in the furthest, most out-of-reach corner of my closet. I then made a promise to myself to treat myself better. When I would start to think about this guy, I would have to vocally tell myself to stop thinking about him. I deleted his number from my phone and dropped him from Facebook. I never really wanted to think about him because I just got tired of having him hurt me. I never felt motivated to check out what he was doing, because I didn’t want to be hurt anymore.
This also came with some therapy, one-on-one sessions and group therapy. I have to say…it was a tough road. To this day, I am still thankful for my former therapist. I truly lucked out with him…we really clicked and he helped me so much. I still have some self-esteem issues, but I’m better. What also helped is that, after I made the promise to focus on myself and not a relationship…a few months later, I met my current husband.
It is a tough road to go. It’s difficult to get that distance in there, but time heals all wounds. Keep trying to take care of yourself, keep going to your therapy appointments. You have been given some great advice that I can only echo.
I know I didn’t say anything new here…and I sort of threadjacked by sharing my story…but I wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. I’ve felt this way before, too. It’s such a hard place to get to, but once you feel your heart starting to hurt while thinking of him…tell yourself to stop and go do something else. I’ll be thinking of you. The road does get easier.