(Closed) Engagement over…a sad follow up.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 182
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@bluehydrangeas:  

 

I can’t believe you are still even talking to this creep.  After all he’s done to you, you’re still obsessed with him.  That says nothing about the quality if this non relationship but it says everything about where you are.

 

If I recall correctly, you are in therapy?  What does your therapist say through this obsession with this toxic person?

There is no relationshp here, just more pain if you can’t let go of the fantasy.

Maybe you need a new therapist, I don’t know, but there is no progress here.

Post # 183
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@bluehydrangeas:  Sweetie, I wish I could hug you.  I get wanting to do all those vindictive things, but you can’t hurt his heart— he doesn’t have one.  So don’t waste your energy on him.

You are NOT pathetic.  You are strong and independent and going through a horrible experience that would affect anyone.  But you are going to make it and be even stronger on the other side!

Once a therapist told me that depression was anger turned inward.  He destroyed the false front that you saw, but don’t let him destroy how you see yourself.

You are amazing.  You are strong.  You are compassionate.  You are intelligent.  You are caring.

He couldn’t see that because there’s something about himself that he hates, even if he doesn’t realize it.  He is completely beneath you, small and insecure.

Have you tried liquids?  Thick soup, milkshakes, even the diet shakes?  I hate diet shakes, but when I get stressed at work I sometimes have trouble eating and keep a couple in my desk to force myself to have something.  Please take care of yourself!

Post # 186
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

oh honey, my heart breaks for your grief. I have been there, and I thought I could never feel like myself again. 

I was crazy– and it didn’t help that he lived next door. I constantly checked his fb, would see if his car was in the drive… utterly NUTS and I only made it worse. I couldn’t handle it, or myself. I’m so so so sorry you’re feeling this way and that someone had the audacity to treat you with such little respect. 

I stopped. One day I turned a corner, and I don’t even know what it was. All of a sudden, I started to find peace within myself. I joined a gym. I socialized outside of my box, and I felt good and even.. hot, something that I hadn’t felt in a LONG time because of how crappy the relationship had been.  Not every night/day was easy, but healing takes time. Keep us updated, I will be thinking of you.

Post # 187
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  Hi there,

  I just caught up on your thread, and my heart is aching for you. I have been through something similar. I dated a guy for almost two years and thought he was my world. At this time in my life, this was my longest and most serious relationship. I had some low self esteem issues going on (I was overweight and thought nobody would think of me romantically, or even want to be friends with me, that I could never say the right thing). I clinged to this guy. For awhile, things were good! He made me feel good about myself and I loved talking to him.

  Then, things turned. He was going to study abroad, and made it clear that we were going to “take a break” while he was on this trip (for 4 months…not long at all!). For the last 6 months of our relationship, I kept worrying that he would slip away and I would never find anybody ever again. I did everything I could to try to make him stay.

  None of it worked.

  He didn’t contact me while he studied abroad…wait, I take that back. I sent brownies to him, overseas, and he said that they were delicious but he let his laundry soap leak all over them. Before he went over there, he would purposely hang out around girls that he knew I wasn’t comfortable with. He would comment about my appearance and try to change me to be what he wanted.

  We did meet up, once, after he got back into town. It went all right, but it was crystal clear to me that we weren’t getting back together. I then promised myself that I needed to go out and meet new people and get involved in some new things. I deleted all e-mails from him, I made a “so-and-so box” and put everything in it that reminded me of him. I taped it up and hid it in the furthest, most out-of-reach corner of my closet. I then made a promise to myself to treat myself better. When I would start to think about this guy, I would have to vocally tell myself to stop thinking about him. I deleted his number from my phone and dropped him from Facebook. I never really wanted to think about him because I just got tired of having him hurt me. I never felt motivated to check out what he was doing, because I didn’t want to be hurt anymore.

  This also came with some therapy, one-on-one sessions and group therapy. I have to say…it was a tough road. To this day, I am still thankful for my former therapist. I truly lucked out with him…we really clicked and he helped me so much. I still have some self-esteem issues, but I’m better. What also helped is that, after I made the promise to focus on myself and not a relationship…a few months later, I met my current husband.

  It is a tough road to go. It’s difficult to get that distance in there, but time heals all wounds. Keep trying to take care of yourself, keep going to your therapy appointments. You have been given some great advice that I can only echo.

  I know I didn’t say anything new here…and I sort of threadjacked by sharing my story…but I wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. I’ve felt this way before, too. It’s such a hard place to get to, but once you feel your heart starting to hurt while thinking of him…tell yourself to stop and go do something else. I’ll be thinking of you. The road does get easier.

Post # 188
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bluehydrangeas:  Your therapist is right.  Even if you tell him off for all the horrible things he did to you, he will never feel guilty about anything he did and he will never acknowledge that he did anything wrong or that any of it is his own fault.  Men like him have no conscience, they avoid taking any personal responsibility for anything they do, and they ENJOY hurting and controlling others.  What he’s doing is in fact an attempt to assert control over you–he doesn’t want to be engaged to you, but he also doesn’t want you to move on with your life, he doesn’t want you to get over him, and he doesn’t want you to become healthy again.  He just wants to keep you in misery perpetually with this little game of hurting/ignoring you and then trying to jerk you back by pretending to still be in a relationship with you.  For this reason, HE will never acknowledge (at least not to you) that your relationship is over, but YOU know that it IS.  I’m glad you blocked him because it’s the first step towards breaking his control over you, moving past him, and getting out of this hell he’s been putting you through.  I know it’s going to be hard to keep ignoring him, but it really will get easier, as all of this will. 🙂  Remember, you have the power to make him stop hurting you!

Post # 190
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@bluehydrangeas: You have made HUGE progress, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The very fact that you are able to see now that your ex’s behavior is not acceptable, and the fact that you are able to see that how your father and mother raised you was not ok is a GIGANTIC step towards beginning to realize your own self-worth.

You sound like an amazing and amazingly strong person who’s had some horrible stuff thrown at her but always makes it through. I know it sounds trite to say this, but I believe that you will make it through this a stronger person. I struggle with self-confidence and self-doubt all the time, and something that helps me is trying to re-wire my brain whenever it goes into self criticism mode, to step back and think “what would I say to a friend who were making these thoughts about herself?” Most of the time, I’d reassure her and praise her instead of berating her. It’s hard, learning to treat yourself with the same love and respect as we do other people. But with practice, it gets easier. 

<3

Post # 191
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow!!! Just WOW!!! I am glad for you though that all this happened now instead of after a wedding or worse… children.

It only gets better once it gets THIS worse. XOXO.

Post # 192
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

((Hugs)) I am brokenhearted for you. Do not ever feel sorry or embarrassed over your feelings. The sooner you give yourself permission to feel them, the sooner you can work through all of the emotions that need to be let out. It doesn’t make you a lesser person at all, just a very hurt one. 

You described my childhood really well. My parents accepted nothing but perfection, and it took me years of therapy and constant self-talking-up to break mostly of the resulting mental issues. I’m not saying I’m totally “cured” nor do I think I ever really will be. What I’m trying to say is…hang in there. It’s a really rough road with self-esteem issues, but you can and will reach a point where it gets better.

Post # 193
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I was not engaged when I went through my worst break up but I can totally relate to the being strung along and never getting any straight answers and it’s pretty much the most terrible thing ever. I dated a guy and he literally went from “I love you and I can’t wait to spend another amazing weekend with you” to “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t love you” within 10 minutes of each other. He blamed me for all sorts of stuff, told me I ruined the relationship when I had bent over backwards for him and sacrificed so very much for him. I was so incredibly angry that I had done so much and all I got in the end was a text saying he didn’t love me. I never saw him again, I never got a face to face conversation or a real explanation. I was with him the night before and everything seemed fine. It made me feel like I was obviously the biggest idiot that had ever lived that I couldn’t see it coming. I was angry and depressed for months, I felt like I would never get it together but the crazy thing happened… I did get together. The more time apart the more I saw our relationship for what it really was. The more I realized how much he never deserved me, much less everything I did for him. You will get there too. It’s a tough road with many bumps, but you will get through this and you’ll come out on the other side better than ever.

There’s a song that really stuck with me after I heard it because of just a couple lines… “Yeah, I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us, but what a waste of my time when the life we had was yours.”

Keep your head up, better days are ahead. 🙂

Post # 194
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@bluehydrangeas:  

This is healthy!  Block all avenues of contact with him.  Basically, you have to go cold turkey.  The withdrawls will be hard, but they will end.  You have us for support.

You just cannot heal while you are having any contact with this guy.  It’s just the nature of the dynamic.

Post # 195
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

One bit of advice is to write down what you want to say to him and email or text it to yourself instead. It will give you the release of getting it out without causing any harm by him actually seeing hit.

(((((BIG HUGS))))) You are doing great!!!

Post # 196
Member
1139 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@bluehydrangeas:  I’m so sorry you lost so much weight and throw up whenever you try to eat; I went through the same thing throughout the course of a turbulent relationship. I went from weighing 105 to 80 pounds. It was a very, very dark time and place in my life, but surely I got through it and you will, too. Just know that there is always a light at the end of every tunnel and you’re going to be OKAY! I found someone wonderful and you will, too. The longer you stayed with him, the longer you stayed away from the man who deserves you.  Your ex didn’t deserve you and soon you’ll see that this was a blessing in disguise. Everything is going to be okay.

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