(Closed) Engagement Party Problem – PLEASE HELP! (slightly long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow, I’m so sorry for what you went through and what you now have to deal with.

What do you really want to do? Go alone? Go with FI? Not go? It seems like nothing is the perfect answer.

If I were you, I would NOT care a bit what your parents thought after the treatment and judgment they gave you. I would put your loving Fiance before that. I would take him along and “shock” all the racist (sorry, but if they don’t like him just because of his race, they’re racist) people. And raise your head, high and proud!

Of course, that’s just me. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe you could just go for a just a short period of time. Congratulate your brother, talk to him a bit, have a drink, then leave?

Post # 5
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

First of all, I am truly sorry for what you have had to endure.  I know that all families and cultures have different ways of dealing with things, but IMO it’s just not acceptable to use violence as a reaction to disapproval.  My Fiance is chinese and I’m white, and we have many friends from different ethnic backgrounds (indian, filipino, native etc), but luckily our friends and family are very accepting of other cultures and I hope that one day all everyone will be just as accepting. 

What does your brother think?  Would he be happy if you came with your FI?  I know you didn’t mention this as an option in your post, but if your brother is fine with you coming with your Fiance then that’s what I would do. It’s his engagement party after all.  If the only way you can go is if you go alone, then I wouldn’t go, unless of course you feel that your family would physically harm you if you don’t go.  If you don’t end up going then I would definitely talk to your brother about it and let him know that you really want to be there, but can’t because of the restrictions your family is putting on your attendance and because you will feel so unomfortable if you go by yourself. I know that it’s easy for me to say things because I’m not in your shoes and understand that culturally it might be difficult for your family to accept that you can’t be there if they won’t allow your Fiance to join you, but at the same time the “old” way of thinking isn’t always the right way of thinking. Eventually you are going to be married and what do they expect you to do then?  Go to social events without your husband because it makes your parents uncomfortable because your husband is a different race?  Eventually your family’s social network is going to find out that your FI/husband is not indian and by not bringing him to the engagement party it’s only delaying the process and potentially making it more ackward in the future.  What will people think if a year from now you bring your Fiance to a party?  What will they think if you show up at every event alone?  

I have no idea what the right thing to do is, but I hope that you find peace in whichever decision you make. 

Post # 6
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

It’s your brother’s engagement party and he invited you both.  I say go and take Fiance with you, you two are a unit and shouldn’t be seperated just because your parents don’t approve.  They have no say over your life and if they can’t accept the choices you made than that is their problem.

Post # 8
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@akirasan:  i think as annoying as their comments might be, you need to set the standard of ‘we are a package deal’. if people talk – fine! let them get it out of their systems! you are going to be married, is your mother going ‘to hang her head in shame’ on your wedding day?

the sooner you put your foot down that you are a pair and this man will be your husband, the sooner they can get used to it. it will suck in the long term, but if you start separating now, they’ll always use it against you in the future. ‘can’t you come alone? like you did to brother’s engagement party?’

plus – maybe the other guests will like your fiance and mention ‘it was nice to meet akirasan’s fiance’ or something positive.

i wish you luck!

Post # 9
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

@akirasan:  Wow, that really sucks with your dad… If I were you, I would tell your parents that either you both go or you aren’t going.  You guys are a team, and it’s totally inappropriate for them to ask you to leave your Fiance at home.

And come on, your relatives have to meet your Fiance sometime!!!!

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