(Closed) Engagement predicament

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

There are no hard and fast rules so ignore ignorant comments like “dating for 3 years without a proposal is bad”. Every relationship is different.

Have you considered that he didn’t propose because you were obviously not that into it for so long? Have you told him you have changed your mind? 

I was never never the girl who would ask a guy about it (he knows 100% that I want to get married and all that jazz)”

How are you sure if you don’t want to talk about it?

I honestly just don’t get why you wouldn’t t bring it up. If you’ve been seriously dating for three years and want to get married then you’re going to have to learn how to bring up topics.

Post # 3
Member
6342 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
vanessa9090 :  First of all: 3 years in not “too long.” What’s long for one person might be short to another. My husband and I didn’t get engaged until after 4 years together. That might have been too long for some, but for us it was the right amount of time. 

Secondly: you mention several times that it took you a while to warm up to this guy, or that he’d talk about a future and marriage and you…well you wouldn’t. So maybe he started “reading the room” as it were. He figured out that you were not interested in marriage as soon as he was talking about so he adjusted his own timeline. Maybe he’s a little gunshy now because the first half of your relationship it sounds like you were hesitant to talk about any sort of future with him. 

Now, you’re not going to know any of that unless you talk to him about it. Have you two sat down and had an honest conversation about your joint futures and marriage? While you say he knows you want to get married, that doesn’t mean he knows you want to right now. These are things you two as a couple need to talk about. 

Post # 5
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

I wouldn’t propose unless I was sure you’d say yes.  How you communicated you’re ready to him in a real way and started to share in his excitement about the future?

Post # 8
Member
4532 posts
Honey bee

Have you told him that you are ready to get married?  Or are you just holding out for the surprise proposal?  Because if you didn’t seem interested in the beginning, he might think you still aren’t.

Communication is key.

Post # 10
Member
4532 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
vanessa9090 :  well that’s good to know.

A lot of men will mention marriage right away, but then back off when it becomes a potential reality.  He might have meant it then, but maybe he feels like he needs more time.

You can have a conversation about timelines to figure out what he is thinking.

Post # 11
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

He knows you want to get married, but he doesn’t know WHEN you want to get married. He could be thinking to himself that you have plenty of time to get engaged. Not everyone is in a rush to get engaged, even if they know for sure that they are with the person they want to marry and spend the rest of their lives with. I think it’s false that just because someone hasn’t proposed after 3 or 4 or 5 years, it means they don’t want to marry you. It’s only a sign that they don’t want to marry you if they refuse to establish a timeline after that many years.

So I’d suggest talking to him about a timeline. It’s not pressuring him to just say, “Hey SO, I was thinking about when we would get married. What are your thoughts on that?” Maybe he’ll say he hadn’t thought about a specific timeline, so then you say, “Okay, I was thinking I’d like to get married next year/in 2020/whenever, what do you think about that?” And once you’ve established a general time you’d like to get married, gently remind him that you’d like a year (or however long you’d like for the type of wedding you’re planning) of being engaged before the wedding, so you have time to plan. That’ll establish a timeframe of the engagement, in a practical way. It doesn’t ruin the surprise, it just eases your anxiety about it so that you can truly enjoy the waiting period (my SO is proposing by the end of next month, so I can say firsthand that having that assurance really does make the waiting period exciting).

If he refuses to discuss a timeline at all, that would be cause for concern. It doesn’t have to be as specific as “the proposal will be in November 2018,” it can be as general as he’ll propose by the end of the year, or he’ll propose in the spring of 2019, whatever. But he has to be willing to establish SOMETHING. You deserve a say in your own future.

Post # 14
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

The OP has indicated that she has told him that she wants marriage and children and that her boyfriend has said the same. At this point, I see no downside in talking about when you want to be engaged. I get the surprise element, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in the dark about whether he plans to propose in two weeks or two years. That’s too much and it’s obviously weighing on you. Talking about a proposal does not mean you are pressuring him or begging him or being in any way undignified. I’m not suggesting you demand a proposal or accuse him of leading you on. This can be a natural progression out of one of your conversations about marriage or kids. “Yeah, I think a nacho bar at the wedding sounds great. What are your thoughts on when you want to get engaged?”

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