(Closed) engagement ring dilemma

posted 5 years ago in Rings
Post # 2
Member
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Tough situation and I can respect where you are at. My Fiance is for sure the type that would be offended if I even implied that maybe he couldn’t afford to get me something I wanted. It makes him feel good to be able to give me something nice even if it means he might be broke until his next pay check. 

So, me personally, would have to be more sneaky about it. Maybe I might send him a different ring and gush and gush about how perfect it is and how much I love it and really want it rather than coming out and saying “I don’t want you to spend this much”. Usually I’m just honest with him about things but I’ve learned over the years sometimes my attempts at honesty can really hurt his feelings/ego so I’ve had to find creative ways around it so that we are both happy in the end.

Post # 3
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

Ultimately it’s his decision, but to be frank, if he’s making under 6 figures, a $30k ring seems over even the most generous ‘buying rules’ (although they are antiquated), unless he’s been saving for years or has help from parents or someone else (I tend to be financially conservative, so please feel free to disagree!).

I’m curious about what else you both want out of life – meaning do you want to buy a house in the next few years? Are kids in the future? How will your wedding be funded? Do you and your Fiance have an emergency savings account? Retirement?

Basically, if you’re comfortable with all of those questions and your Fiance can answer honestly, then ultimately it’s about what he wants to buy you and what you’re comfortable with.

If the answers don’t align with a $30k ring at this point in your life, then maybe try explaining to him that all of those other things are really important to you too, and you’d choose them over the dream ring. 

 

Post # 4
Member
8514 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I agree with PPs — giiven that you’re still a student and he’s making under 6 figs, $30k is alot to drop on a ring, especially if you have big tickets items like a house on your list. IMO, a ring shouldn’t set you and your SO back from any of your short- or long-term financial goals. It should just be icing on the cake.

So I’d talk to him and frame it as, “I want to create a beautiful life with you and there’s more to that than the ring. For example, I want to get a wonderful house to settle down in and not have to wait longer to start that process.” etc. etc. As PPs said, ultimately it’ll be his decision, but if you’re a team in life, then at least he’ll be making that decision knowing how you feel about it.

And just a few thoughts on the ring: For $30k, getting a Tacori setting and 2.5-3 carat diamond may not be the easiest. You could suggest that you get the setting and put a moissy in for now and later replace it with a diamond (and who knows maybe you’ll decide down the road that you don’t even want to replace it). Also, you say you can’t tell the difference, but I’d make sure to see it in person first. From what I’ve seen around here, large oval moissies have a distinctive look.

Post # 5
Member
1949 posts
Buzzing bee

If you two are serious about getting married maybe you should talk about the finances of the entire process and not just the ring. Having such a narrow focus could lead to not having as much free cash for the actuall wedding.   Engagement Ring, wedding bands, wedding, honeymoon and residence after the wedding should all be included in this converrsation.  Maybe, he will rethink his budget and reduce the spending on the Engagement Ring so he can make sure you have all of these things that you both will want.  

Post # 7
Member
4066 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

If he is “smart with money” I would let him buy it for and be happy.  As someone that is nearing 40 I can tell you that the 40s upgrade is not as likely as is seems in your 20s.  I have 3 kids now and a house that can hold them all, and my kids and home take up all f our extra monies now.  I am happy I got a diamond that I love while we had the money set aside.  

Post # 8
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
bunnyboo1993 :  Honestly it sounds like he’s really thought about it, and has set you both up for success! If the ring is something you’re going to look at and feel bad about, tell him. If you think you’ll end up loving it, go for it!

No worries with the grammar 😉

Post # 10
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You both seem to have a good sense of your goals and how to attain them together. If he can affford it, and you are both already cognizant of the associated cost of getting married (after the proposal), then there is nothing wrong with accepting his gift. An e-ring is ideally (to some people) a once in a lifetime gift. When my DH proposed, he surprised me with a forever ring and rock solid insurance, instead of using my much smaller heirloom diamond. I learned that sometimes the engagement ring is as important for the person asking as it is for the person waiting! Enjoy your future ring in good health and happiness, Bee! 

Post # 11
Member
479 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2003

If he’s financially smart, clearly has savings, and a sercure job, let him buy you the ring he wants.  Also long as he’s not going into debt for it I don’t see why he shouldn’t spend whatever amount he wants on a ring that you will love.  

Post # 12
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

View original reply
bunnyboo1993 :  If you are not comfortable bringing it up, then let it go. Sometimes in marriage, that is the most powerful thing you can do.

 If he is bound and determined to buy you a big rock, then so be it. I think I might focus on making sure it is a good choice. To that end, and not to bore you with Diamond 101, point him to one of the following sellers to obtain the diamond. These are more per carat than what you’ll find with a quick online scan, but these are selected for superb performance. With a diamond of this caliber, just suggest ‘eye clean’ and ‘white face up’.

I have personally seen a SI1 J color from High Performance Diamond and it was whiter than most D’s. The faceting of these is worlds above Hearts&Arrows and Ideal Cut. Really, try to see these IRL. If I had a 30k budget, this is who I would buy from and I am very very picky. I would drop my size a bit to get one in budget, since these will look much larger than the competition (says another 6′ plus gal). 

  • High Performance Diamonds, Crafted by Infinity.

http://highperformancediamonds.com/shop/i/HPD7236/?shop=yes

 Other Good Sellers with Great Selections That have wonderful performance

  • Brian Gavin Signature Selection
  • Good Old Gold – Ascendancy Heart and Arrows, August Vintage OEC and Cushion (if you like old cuts)

Edited to Add.

But, I will say. I was engaged with a 2 carat OEC. I was totally comfortable with it, but most of my grad-school friends simply said “what a rock.” They mostly wore .75 carat rings — I think a lot of people would have felt awkward. I come from a big sparkly ring background and was confortable, but you should think about yourself and your community. If you are worried about the ring looking small on your hand, the setting will make the difference. My ering reset will be a 5 stone to give me the finger coverage with a 2.25 carat Amora Gem OEC. I’d wear a larger stone, but as the stone get bigger, they also get taller. It was the height I hit my limit on. 

I’ll be gettting a version of this ring with three rounds and two pears on the end. Nice and low to the finger but lovely views of the stones. With the stones I selected (8 mm Amora Gem, 2×4 mm sides stones, 2x (2×3) pears) it will span my full finger. 

vivant1

The Vivant

Post # 13
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

View original reply
bunnyboo1993 :  I’m now in my forties so I can handle my ring, but if I was in my twenties I would be nervous too, so I would be honest with him, get the setting you desire ask him for a stand in stone, explain your fear of losing something so expensive.  But bee, be prepared for the fact that when you reach your forties life may of changed and a upgrade might not be a priority.  This might change your mind and just encourage you to go for it and get good insurance 😄

Post # 14
Member
7264 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Everyone else has already shared good feedback so I’m just here to say I hope you’ll come back and share pics of your ring once you receive it!

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