Post # 1
I need some serious advice…..i’m disappointed with my engagement ring as well as the process that led up to it. I love my fiance but he and I did not see eye to eye on the ring. When the discussion of the ring came up it would result in a heated argument. I wanted a certain size, he thought i was being materialistic. I wasn’t even asking for a diamond, i wanted a 1.25-1.5 sapphire ring, he would get angry and tell me that it shouldn’t matter what size it is. He’s been married before and i think some feelings of failure resurface sometimes and he takes it out on me. He says he doesn’t understand these guys who go out and spend alot of money on rings when the engagement or marriage could go bust. He believes that you have to "put your time in" in order to get the big ring. What? Have I not already put my time in of 3 years with him? Am I not worth having the ring i’ve dreamt about? It’s not like i’m asking for a 3 carat flawless diamond! He wouldn’t let me help and went out and did exactly what i told him NOT to do….bought a designer ring (Ritani) and a jewelry store, such a rip off!!!
To make matters worse he recently was talking about wanting to get a motorcycle and that he’d be willing to spend $6K-$7K for it….much more than he paid for my ring. He bought the bike, in the midst of us saving for the wedding, and i feel it is a slap in the face. Where are his prioirities? Do I mean that little to him that he can’t put me first but rather he goes and buys a toy for himself. A toy he’s making payments on every month but said he didn’t want to make payments on a ring? My ring is my motorcycle. Also sometimes he teases me about my ring saying that i don’t like it and that i wish it was bigger. I have NEVER said anytying like that and it is like salt in the wound….as is him telling me "yea i almost bought you a bigger ring, but didn’t"
I need to talk to him about this but am worried he’ll be furious as he thinks he got me exactly what i wanted but all my requests fell of deaf ears. He would make me feel ashamed for asking for a certain size ring, i don’t know how to handle this but i am extremely upset.
Post # 3
What did he end up getting you that you’re so dissapointed with it?
Post # 4
This sounds like a really icky situation! Sorry you’re in this predicatment with your Fiance. Maybe he’s feeling this way because he’s already been married before, so to him this isn’t a huge deal. Or maybe, like you said, its bringing up bad feelings from his past relationship. Either way, I think he should realize that this relationship with you is a totally different one than with his previous wife/girlfriends. In my opinion, he’s going to continue to make you feel this way if he doesn’t realize that you are different than those other women. I don’t think you should feel ashamed of your ring or your engagement, but I also think he should be able to buy himself things without it hurting your feelings. It seems like you’ve already tried to talk with him about how your feeling… I’d say just keep trying, eventually and hopefully he’ll understand that you weren’t asking for him to move mountains, but you were asking for something that’s not only meaningful to you but that you would love to wear! Good luck!
Post # 5
Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t think a ring should matter. It’s not the ring that counts in the marriage.
Post # 6
Honestly, I don’t think it’s the ring or the motorcycle that is at issue here. I think it’s his lack of respect for your feelings.
It sounds like he’s essentially saying that he knows how you feel but that how he feels is more important. Frankly, I don’t know that I would want to marry a man that put my feelings last. This is supposed to be a special, magical, thing… not a battle. It isn’t the size of the ring or how much money he spent. It’s the fact that he didn’t care enough about how you felt to let it influence him at all.
And the motorcycle? Don’t even get me started!
You deserve to be treated with more respect. Good luck to you, I hope it works out.
Post # 7
i don’t mean to overanalyze the situation so please forgive me if you feel like i’m stepping out of my bounds, but his attitude towards this ring is a bit alarming to me. maybe it’s just a one time thing, but if you notice him disregarding your feelings a lot, then you should really talk to him about his attitude towards you in this relationship in general. i also think you should really talk about how his past relationship has negatively affected your relationship now. have you guys thought about premarital counseling? i think it might help to work through some of these issues. maybe i’m totally misjudging and you will find out more from his perspective. i hope i am. either way, you really shouldn’t be afraid to be honest with the person you love and want to be with forever.
Post # 8
I agree that it’s not the ring that matters, it’s his attitude toward you.
When you were letting him know what kind of ring you wanted, were you just gravitating towards larger ones or did you lay out a strict requirement? Was there a turning point in his attitude, especially as he is approaching a second engagement? (I know how that is, at least for me.) Have you two considered couples counseling, especially if you pinpoint his reaction as something coming out of a previous marriage?
On an lighter note, I had to laugh about the motorcycle. When my Dear Fiance and I were first considering engagment, he bought a truck and said it was to lock things down with me. LOL! I told him I wanted jewelery. Second, sapphires are AWESOME!
I hope you two can work out something that works for both of you.
Post # 9
- Wedding: February 2009 - Small church ceremony with mountain-view log cabin reception
my fiance and I spoke a lot about the ring before we were engaged beacuse he knew it was something that was important to me. It’s a piece of jewelry you will be wearing for the rest of your life. Sure settings can be changed and rings can be reset, but the fact that he didn’t listen to your wishes is not right. I hope you talk with him and share that it’s not that he didn’t get you a huge diamond or a flawless stone- it’s the way he handled the situation.
Post # 10
Wow. I am also really disturbed by his attitude. My husband was also married before – after a dozen years of what sounds like a pretty ideal marriage, and two kids, his ex sort of flipped out and left him AND the kids for an unemployed biker who lives with his mother (my husband is a very successful professional). On the way out the door, she actually told not only him but also the kids that they were a huge mistake. And of course, she had actually been fooling around with this guy in their bedroom while the kids were at school.
If anyone would have the right to suspect that any relationship can end at any moment, it would be him. And I understand at least a little of how he could feel – because my last relationship before him ended after 7 years (5 living together) when I found out my boyfriend had got his other girlfriend pregnant.
But honestly, unless you really believe that your current relationship is going to last, you’ve got no business getting married (IMO). A sort of throw-away attitude – the idea that it’s proabably going to end sooner or later anyway – is not a strategy for success. And you’re right – if you haven’t somehow "proven yourself" to his satisfaction – meaning that apparently he doesn’t really trust either you, himself, or the relationship – is a problem.
To me it would seem that he’s not really over the breakup of his first marriage, and so he’s not really ready or willing to "invest" in this one. Obviously it’s not that he doesn’t have the money to get you what you want, since he’s spending at least that much or more on a toy for himself. It would also seem that your happiness is clearly not high on his list of priorities (at least not as high as his happiness).
As far as I can tell, the one thing that most successful and happy marriages have in common is that both partners feel that making the other person happy makes them happy. My husband would do pretty much anything for me that was in his capability to do. If your guy doesn’t have that attiitude – if he’s holding something back "just in case" it doesn’t work out, so he can limit his losses, I don’t think you should marry him. At least not now. He’s really not ready. I know it’s a hard decision, but if I was you I would schedule some couples counseling – and I would be prepared to give the ring back if he won’t go and if the two of you can’t work this out. Don’t let him make you feel bad – it’s not about the ring. It’s about his attitude towards you.
Post # 11
I’m going to disagree and say that I’m not alarmed at your FI’s behavior…the fact that he told you "it doesn’t matter what size it is" indicates to me that he’s concerned about you being in this for the pretty bauble. Which, if he had a rough divorce, I can understand being somewhat touchy about.
Now I can absolutely understand being frustrated that he didn’t take your wishes into account and got you a diamond instead of a sapphire. That is inconsiderate since it was disregarding your style choice and easily something that he could have changed. However, not spending what in your mind is enough money on it seems to be the big issue here. You seem to be tying how much he loves you to how much he spent on your ring, which seems somewhat unhealthy to me.
On the other hand, your Fiance does seem to be handling this quite poorly, especially given your feelings. I would agree with others that there might be something deeper going on here between the two of you that you might have to work on. Pre-marital counseling is great and I think it’s something most couples should do, regardless of how happy/committed they are. You can get on the same page with all of this. Good luck.
Post # 12
I’d have to agree with all the previous posts. It’s not about the ring, or even the bike. From your description, it sounds like he hasn’t moved on from his previous relationship, and that is something that needs to be addressed before you entire a <span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-style: italic”>lifetime commitment with him. Please tell him how you feel, or this will only escalate. Your marriage needs to be based on mutual decision making and communication, and it doesn’t seem like that is happening.
If you can’t seem to find a way to bring up the topic, try going to see a counselor where you could have an objective third party there. Good luck!
Post # 13
Its not about how much he spent on my ring, its the fact that engagements should be a time of happiness, something the two of you (in some cases) do together. I’ve done a lot of research on stones, wholesalers, etc. and would pass on that info but he never did anything with it. I believe the way to go in buying a ring is wholesale, stores rip you off with their incredible mark ups. He was married at a very young age (20-25) and was in the Navy while they were married, she cheated, he threw her out and it was done. That is where i think his idea of "you have to earn it" comes from. His previous wife didn’t have a fancy ring at all, just a band i think. As far as counseling i’d never thought of it….we rarely argue and we are able to be up front with eachother….if he’s being an ass, i tell him so and vice versa. But like i said the ring would always be an argument and maybe he did think i was only in it for the bauble, but i’m not. Its just that i’ve dreamt of this time in my life forever and am disappointed with the outcome. Some of my friends who are in this same process aren’t getting grief from there guys….they’re being told "anything you want, I want you to be happy with this, you’re wearing it forever" Its just the thought of having to put my time with him and the issue of the bike that is REALLY bothering me.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2022 - Majestic Colonial Resort, Punta Cana
Sometimes people give others flack for being materialistic when they ask for a specific ring but I see it rather as going after what you really want. When it’s something that you know you are going to wear every single day, it’s pretty important that you love it, if you ask me. And it doesn’t sound like your dream ring is something unreasonable.
The problem here is that he is competely inconsiderate. He got you what he thought you should have, rather than what you wanted. And with the bike, same thing – he did what he thought he should do, with no consideration for your opinion.
Does he do this in other areas of your life too? If so, I think it’s time for a real heart to heart. I’ve heard great things about premarital counselling too. That’s if you can convince him it’s something *he* wants to do, of course, otherwise good luck getting him there. <wink>
Post # 15
I’m totally not liking the "you gotta earn it" approach. That’s complete bull!
You shouldn’t have to work so hard at being happy. Think clearly because is not really true when they say "All you need is love"…you also need respect and understanding!!
If I was a guy and my lovely gf wanted to save me money AND get her dream ring I would be thrilled!! With your guy it seems there’s a power struggle…He needs to come on top and be right!…people like that DON’T CHANGE they just get worse with time.
Post # 16
i agree with the other comments. it’s not about you being materialistic. it seems like he’s just being mean to you. and it’s not fair that he rubs it in your face either. i think you and him should really discuss the situation. who cares if he gets mad. it needs to be addressed.