(Closed) Engagement ring disappointment

posted 13 years ago in Rings
Post # 17
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

This situation reflects a lot where you two are at in terms of mutual decision-making and communication, particularly in the area of finances. 

As a couple moves into marriage, there is a transition from decision-making as single individuals to decision-making as a couple. This decision-making is often inextricably linked to how couples handle money, which research tells us is the number one thing couples fight about. So take heart: you are hardly alone or out of the ordinary from that perspective! 

The examples you gave of your ring and his motorcycle demonstrate to me that you disagree on the amount of cooperativeness there should be in making your major decisions, especially meaning large and/or significant purchases. He made both of these decisions himself, whereas you expected to have a significant say in both (or at least, the ring); hence your hurt feelings. As you said, you think an engagement (and its symbol, the ring) should be something you do together. 

In thinking so independently he naturally gave the most weight to his own opinion. I don’t mean that he necessarily disregarded your opinion, or that he’s being inconsiderate, or that he puts your feelings last, as other posters have suggested. No. Unless this is part of a bigger pattern, this probably is not the death knell of your relationship.

I mean that he didn’t really listen to your opinion. You said that he thinks he got you the ring you wanted, but really he got you the ring he thought you wanted. Despite your (considerable) efforts, I don’t think he heard you, because he was so wrapped up in the symbology of rings, his views on spending his "own money," and his bad experiences with commitment in his last marriage. Nevertheless he bought you a designer ring from a store—to many men designer labels connote status, and many wouldn’t know a wholesaler if it hit them on the head—so I think his purchase, from his point of view, shows that he does value you highly. However much he may have failed to listen, he did buy you a ring he thought you would want.

The conversation you need to have is not about the ring or the motorcycle. Those are symptoms of a larger issue: breaking down the barriers in between you so that you function as a team. One of the best arenas for doing this is in premarital counseling. You don’t go to premarital counseling because your relationship is in trouble; far from it. You go to make your relationship even better. It provides a safe and neutral environment to lay out your expectations on a million sensitive subjects (money, kids, housework, sex, in-laws, spirituality/life philosophies, and more) so you can find common ground. Believe me, it won’t start out all being common ground. Counseling teaches you how to communicate with one another without hurting one another. 

Given his propensity to get really upset if you mention you don’t like the ring, you will have to weigh how helpful it would be for you to do so right now. Recognize that it’s a very loaded issue for him too. Remember, the ring is a symptom, not the problem. Fighting to get the ring you want will not fix this problem. So don’t put artificial constraints on the situation (as in, must get new engagement ring now before the engagment is over!); you need to work through it naturally. If you do, I am sure there will come a time when your fiance/husband will get you just what you want. It might not be an "engagement ring," but it can mean just as much if you don’t worry about what it’s called. 

Here’s what Shakespeare had to say on the subject: 

JULIET:
      ‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
      Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
      What’s Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
      Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
      Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
      What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
      By any other name would smell as sweet;

      So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
      Retain that dear perfection which he owes
      Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
      And for that name which is no part of thee
      Take all myself.

Post # 18
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

🙁  I feel for you honeychild!  I’m someone who takes A LOT of time researching before making a big purchase.  My hubby bought a super simple ring and didn’t put much thought into it.  I’ve often thought that if you were to drop my ring into a big bucket of rings, there’s no way I’d be able to pick out mine.  I can also totally understand what it’s like to have the guy not seem to care about what your preference is.  If I were to do it all over again, I’d stick to my guns and if he isn’t understanding, he’s not the one.  Sometimes he talks about getting me other rings but nothing is as important as your engagement and wedding rings.  Also this just reflects how he will react in the future towards other things… it’s incredibly frustrating.

Post # 19
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Personally, I’m offended by the fact that even though you’ve laid out what you wanted, instead of just saying "ok" or even trying to understand it, he just dismissed it. 

My FH is pretty laid back and not too much into labels, designers etc… so when he first heard what kind of ring i was expecting… he was shocked. Even my "minimum" standard was way higher than what he thought reasonable … I finally explained to him a couple of things…

#1. I dont expect for myself things i can not give myself. I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and if i want to be "shallow" or "materialistic" in some people’s eyes, but it makes me happy for small splurges, so be it… i deserve the little reward.

#2. I dont understand his need for authentic sports jerseys (hand sewn vs. not), his 600 game systems (PS3) and his desire to want to have season tickets to certain sporting events… But what i do know is that its important to him. There are certain things he can care less about, and some things he does find very important… and i need to respect that. My thing is jewelry (asides from shoes)… in turn, my e-ring. (Unfortunately for him).  I love jewelry. some girls don’t. But its "my thing". So i needed him to accept it even if he can’t fully wrap his brain around it.

When it came down to my e-ring. I coudln’t be happier. it’s more than i can imagine it’d ever be… and i helped him find the stone… but what was most important to me was that even though in his mind, it wasn’t a big deal… and that really it should be the meaning behind it… he loved me enough to want to make me happy, even if he couldn’t understand how something so "trivial" to him coud make me so happy.. and in turn the meaning behind the engagement is love, spending our lives together, and me knowing that even with our differences we can respect one another and accept one another.

So often, I hear how women beat around the bush, are too passive aggressive, should just say what is on our mind or explain what we want… I think you’ve done that very nicely and he should be grateful for the info that is often not so easy to obtain. The fact that he disregards it though… not fair to you. And even though he was married before… he shouldn’t project that past experience on to you!

Post # 20
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m with a lot of the others on this. The issue is not the ring. The issue is his dismissal of your feelings and his seemingly cavalier attitude toward your marriage. Granted I don’t know you or him, but from what insight you’ve provided here, I think it’s worth it to take a hard look at how he treats your feelings regarding other things in your life and whether he’s really ready and wanting to be in a commitment like marriage again.

Post # 21
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I agree with chelseamorning and believe her post was well-said.  Aside from your communication as a couple and the attitudes towards each other, the issues here are not only surrounding your FH but yourself as well.  I don’t agree with his views necessarily, but I also don’t believe there is a malice here that is intended towards you by him being entirely inconsiderate.  You state that he did get you the ring that he thought you wanted, although he may not have known the smartest way to go about it.

As a woman, it is easy to get caught up in the "expectations" of an engagement ring.  Maybe you assume it will be at least 1 carat, or platinum, or a sapphire.  Yes, many of us dream of a certain ring, but there are many things that the American society dictates we "should" dream about…a huge house, a brand-new car, etc.  This may or may-not fit into your lifestyle, but these pre-packaged ideas about what an individual is anticipated to possess by a certain age have caused the majority of the American population to live beyond their means.  Perfect example: he is financing his bike (a depreciating asset), which will be worth half of its value (if he is lucky) by the time he pays it off, and that you are also simultaneously saving for a wedding that I can only presume may end up being financed as well.

In your mind, you anticipated your engagement ring to be acertain size and stone.  Although that was your expectation,  isn’t the fact that he proposed to you enough to make you swoon over his gift?  Fiance and I looked at engagement rings once, many months before we got engaged.  He knew I had an inclination towards princess-cut diamonds, but that I would be happy with others as well.  I knew he favored a traditional solitaire-style ring because of its classic style and that fact that when you see a solitaire you know what it means.  He decided to go against my mention that I may prefer size over quality, and decided to go for the best quality we could get for the price range and to this day I cannot stop looking at it.  Not because it is princess-cut, not because it is big or small, but because it symbolizes our love for each other and the best moment in my life. 

I think your communication with each other is the issue here, as chelseamorning was saying.  The ring is what has brought to light this bigger issue, the fact that it doesn’t seem like you two are working towards achieving your goals together.  You can work on a financial plan together that includes both the motorcycle and the wedding, but bear in mind you may not get the wedding budget you imagined and he may not get the motorcycle budget he envisioned.  Your individual purchases affect each other’s life.   Try talking about how both of you feel and going there.  The biggest common denominator is your love for each other.    Good luck!

Post # 22
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am going to have to agree with the majority of commenters here.  Forget the ring issues, it’s a lack of consideration for your feelings period which is alarming.  If you are having this issue now what will it be like down the road over bigger issues? 

I really didn’t know what kind of ring I wanted so my boyfriend asked me.  Initially he wanted to do it all himself but I think he realized he was out of his element and I am glad he asked for help.  I didn’t want to be pushy at all and would have been fine with him picking out a ring but he was really clueless, swallowed his pride and admitted it.  I also didn’t want him to get ripped off since he isn’t much of a jewelry buyer  so I was involved more than I wanted to be but everything worked out surprisingly well with NO drama at all.  Whew!

Best of luck to you! 

Post # 23
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I could be way off-base here, but in a weird way, it almost sounds like your fiance is testing you.  Because his first marriage ended so painfully, I wonder if part of him is trying to see if you will still want to be with him if he gets you a ring that is nothing like what you wanted.  You said he thinks he got you exactly what you wanted, but I think his constant teasing about how you wished you had a bigger ring shows that he knows the ring he bought isn’t one you’re very happy with.  His insistence on waiting 5 years to "earn" the big ring also sounds like he’s very nervous because of what happened with his last marriage.

I’m with Suzanno, though — that kind of "wait and see" attitude towards you and your marriage is not OK, and he needs to get over it.  It’s understandable that he’s feeling nervous because he was burned so badly the last time, but he needs to understand that you are different from his ex-wife and you don’t deserve to be "tested" because of what she did.  I think this is the kind of thing a counselor could help you discuss in a constructive way — even if you guys normally communicate really well, it sounds like he really doesn’t get how he’s making you feel, and sitting down with an impartial third party to work through some of the issues from his first marriage.

When you do talk to him about the ring, I would stress the sapphire vs. diamond issue instead of the size issue — explain that this is a piece of jewelry that you’re planning to wear every day for the rest of your life, and you don’t want to hurt his feelings but you had your heart set on the sapphire and it would mean a lot to you if you could trade it in for the stone you wanted.  Would you be willing to compromise on the size and get a smaller sapphire?  That might help him feel like you’re not judging the ring based on its size or cost.

Good luck!!

Post # 24
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Chelseamorning has a really good point about the money issues.  One thing that premarital counseling does is encourage you to work out how you are going to manage things as a couple, and money is one of those things.  My husband and I started when we got engaged with the attitude that, starting with the ring, all major purchase were "our" money. After all, after you are married, not only is it really all joint money, but it’s all joint debt.  I don’t believe that major purchase decisions (like a motorcycle) should be made by only one partner.  Whatever your and your Fiance believe needs to be worked out now, or it will be something that you continue to have difficulties with.

And honestly, never fighting is not actually an indication of a good relationship.  It may just be an indication that you don’t really get into any issues that might cause a serious disagreement, and so you actually never work anything out.  My husband and his ex actually never did fight. and he thinks that was one of the things that ended his marriage.  As far as he could tell, she seldom had an opinion, and so he pretty much did as he liked (including making all the money decisions).  By the time she was sleeping with another man, they (of course) did fight about it, and the one big thing that came out was that she felt he made all the decisions.  She wanted, in the end, a relationship where she felt like more of an equal partner.  Of course, she went about it in completely the wrong way. 

But seriously, it sounds to me like this may be the first big conflict you have had.  It is a typical relationship issue – money is power – and he is using his money to demonstrate that he can do what he likes, and doesn’t really have to consider your opinion.  It’s not unreasonable of him to buy a motorcycle, if he’s been saving for that – but it’s also not unreasonable for him to put a little more money into your ring, and wait a year for the motorcycle.  These are the kinds of compromises you both make, throughout a marriage, for it to work.  If his standard approach is going to be to make you feel bad about what you want, and make major spending decisions without regard for your opinion, then in the end this marriage will probably end badly for him as well.  Unfortunately, that will also mean it ends badly for you.  Regardless of whether you get the ring, please, please get the money thing worked out before you get to the altar.

Post # 25
Member
13 posts
Newbee

The part that upsets me the most is how he essentially said that you do not deserve the ring you want, and that you have to wait a few years to earn it.

As far as him not getting you the ring you wanted, maybe he thought he did. I know that he teases you about the size of the ring, but is it possible that he thought you wanted a diamond from a jewelry store? I know that if I knew my boyfriend could not afford a diamond from a jewelry store, I would definitely go out of my way to look up wholesalers and even suggest that he buy a different center stone! And I would be perfectly happy with that, even though my first choice may have been that diamond. I’m wondering if he thought that this was the case with you, and that you actually wanted a diamond, but were afraid he couldn’t or wouldn’t spend the money on you and didn’t want to make him feel bad. I don’t know your Fiance at all, but this is just a thought! I know sometimes men have a difficult time listening, and sometimes misinterpret even the simplest things!

Good luck to you!

Post # 26
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with most of the posters above – this is not about the ring.

 I’m troubled that you fear bringing this up to him, that you fear he will be ‘furious’.  I realize I do not know you and I do not know your relationship at all, but judging strictly from your email, it seems your issues run much deeper than a piece of jewelry.

When you’re with the right person, they WANT you to be happy, they take your feelings into consideration, and want to do nice things for you…. not to purposely disappoint you and ridicule you for your feelings.

I would certainly have qualms about marrying someone whom I was scared to have a discussion with for fear that they would become furious.

 

Post # 27
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I know exactly how you feel… My boyfriend and I had been together for 2 years and I had shown him rings that I liked and were interested in. Well within months he came home with a brand new motorcycle ( about $11k? I think ) And of course he had to buy all the accessories for it and so on.. I was completely and utterly devestated. Just crushed. I thought how could he do this when he knows what I’ve been looking at, and am I not important enough in his life to put our future first..? I didn’t care if I got a a $ 500 ring. I really didn’t. But it was the principle of the fact. It was like he completely blew me off for the motorcycle. And he did.

He’s actually on mortcycle #2 and this is 4 years later and I still don’t have a ring. Partially because i could not get over the bike and was so crushed that he even put that before me. We went to counseling for over a year and even broke up for a little while because I felt he was being selfish. It’s taken YEARS for me to get over the whole bike thing. We’ve been together for 6 years and I’m about ready to give the ultimatium get married or get out. What’s the point of staying together if I want to get married and he doens’t…? Only within the last 6 months has things gotten progressively better. It’s taken a long time… and honestly I think you’re going to hold alot of resentment torwards that bike for a long time to come if you know that you got second best because of it.

I’d even be more upset if I knew that he got the ring knowing he was going to get the bike and disregarded what you were looking at because he knew he wanted a bike. Good luck, I would hate for anyone to feel like how I’ve felt in my past. Being passed up for a toy is a horrible feeling.

Post # 27
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Idk why people are against you here.

I totally agree with you, When marriage started to come an option in our relationship, me and my husband talk about EVERYTHING what we wanted, and what we didnt.

People can call it materialistic but the fact is, you even asked for a cheaper option “sapphire”. He didn’t seem supportive at all and refused to even understand you!

That in my opinion is unaceptble in a relationship. 

I didnt demand a size or stone, but i did tell him my dream ring had to have a halo. And he totally understood and was supportive, since we talked about his “wants” too. 

He also loves bikes and I support him on getting what he wants.

 

Your guy IS an asshole for even makeing jokes about something so important in any woman’s life!

You NEED to sit and talk, calm yourself so the convo never gets heated. From what you said, he is stubborn so you will need much patience to gently get it thru his head that you in fact, are dissapointed, but not really of the ring, you are dissapointed on him for not only refusing to make YOU a priority but also for making fun of something important to you. 

Even if he was married before and thinks a ring shouldn’t matter. If he chose to marry YOU he should be considerate and not punish YOU for his past mistake.

Post # 28
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Gleam:  this thread is 6 years old….

The topic ‘Engagement ring disappointment’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors