(Closed) Engagement ring family drama

posted 6 years ago in Rings
Post # 152
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@booteefull:  Usually I wouldn’t comment on a thread where so many bee’s had already said the same thing I’m going to say but seriously this is one of the MOST insane things i’ve seen on here and your Future Mother-In-Law sounds insane! I’ve never ever heard that before and if it really is an ettiquite rule, it needs to be scrapped STAT! (I mean really, a rule that means with each generation the ring has to get smaller and less flashy? wtf? someone down the line is going to end up with a piece of string around their finger!)

She’s just jealous and nasty and your Fiance should have told her immeadiately to get over it. Gosh, mines way bigger than my FMIL’s but I would never dream of compromising on my dream ring to make her happy, its got nothing to do with her! This makes me so mad for you! Get your ring back!!!!

I also don’t like the fact your Fiance got mad at you about it that’s just ridiculous.. i’m not going to tell you to reconsider marrying him as I don’t know him from a bar of soap but when you take a step this big, there need to be no red flags. Its up to you to decide if there are or not. You should however think about the fact that your FI’s priorities should be to you and your happiness and it sounds as though this Mother-In-Law will be an absolute nightmare throughout your marriage…. She sounds like a spoilt, childish brat.

Post # 153
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

OP, you sound like a nice person and from a complete outsider it sounds like Future Mother-In-Law made up this “etiquette” rule because she didn’t want you to have a nicer ring than her, and since you are nice and probably want FI’s family to like you, you went along with it and didn’t stand up for yourself.

This my dear is only the beginning.  You put up with this and you will have a terrible marriage.

Personally, if I was in your position and my Fiance took my ring away because he was afraid of hurting his mommy’s feelings, he would be my FORMER Fiance.

Post # 154
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@booteefull:  oh man…I’m angry and frustrated FOR you! From what I see in previous comments, it sounds like (for the most part) this isn’t a cultural thing. Actually, most parents I know what better for their kids than what they had–usually they’re referring to education, lifestyle, etc., but I think rings would be included too. Anyway, yeah; I’m sure your fiance is a sweet guy, and he obviously got you the ring you really loved! He sounds a tiny bit gullible, believing there was some preexisting etiquette, but it’s not him (really) that’s the problem.

what the HECK is wrong with your FMIL!??!? I think before you speak with a pastor, you need to sit down with your Fiance and talk about what is going on. Let him know that you apologize if he felt blindsided (because who knows; maybe he was excited and nervous and all that, and thought Future Mother-In-Law would be too, but then felt like HE got thrown under the bus bc of some etiquette he didn’t research), but that no such etiquette actually exists. That you loved the ring he chose for you, and that you’d really like to sit down together as a unit with his mom to talk this out. I’m guessing his other family members are being aloof because she has probably spurred it on. So you two need to be united and tell her that he chose that ring for you, and that you both love it. Tell her that THAT is the ring you’ll be wearing as your forever ring, and that you’re sorry if she has an issue with that. Be sure to let her know that the ring was not chosen with any spite or disrespect in mind, and that disrespect will not be tolerated.

 

He needs to have your back, not hers. If he can’t do that…then maybe you guys need to reassess what your future will look like.

Post # 155
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@booteefull:  sunappee New Husband is one of my favorite places ever!

Post # 156
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@kellyk1214:  (applause). Better than I could ever say it.

 

honey, run.  This is a glimpse of your future – he’ll always put mommy first, and that’s going to make for a crappy marriage.  Tell him not to worry about getting a new ring – he can give it to mommy.

Post # 157
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. His mom is an insecure, little child that needs to grow up. Your fiance seems like a definite momma’s boy for wanting to exchange your ring to fulfill MIL’s wishes.

Post # 158
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think this is ridiculous! There is a huge red flag waiving in front of you, OP. This isn’t cultural if they’re from New Husband. This is an insecure Future Mother-In-Law who is jealous of you and has control over her son. If your Fiance responded so quickly to his mother’s demands, and then blamed you, what do you think this marriage will be like? He will never be on your side. It will be you against him and his mother. I say get out. If my Darling Husband had done this to me, we wouldn’t have gotten married. My MIL’s ring is probably around 1/4 ct. Mine is almost about .95 ct tw. She never said anything but congrats and welcome to our family. 

Post # 159
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@womanofsubstance:  Apparently I do, or I would not have recommended it. Tongue Out

I’ll recommend it to you, too — it does wonders for passive-aggressiveness!

Post # 160
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would not love someone enough to marry into that crazy circus of a family, sorry. 

Post # 161
Member
4713 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1998

OP I honestly do not have a cut and dry answer for you.

He should never ever have taken your ring away no matter what anyone says. The ring that was attached to the memory of one of the best days of your life.

That he did this was very selfish of him and his mother and for his family to treat you like that is unacceptable! U did nothing wrong but I would in your position hold off accepting any other ring from him for quite awhile while you work thru these issues.

He and his mother could work thru this without stealing your happiness. This may be the tip of the iceburg and there maybe more and more issues that will come up so maybe take a step back and hold off on any further commitment until you know your boyfriend and his family better. Marrying into that type of situation may never get better.

I am so sorry that you are going thru this.

Post # 162
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Oh. Hell. No.

You should not have to worry about having something too “flashy” because his mother thinks it’s tacky. Why should she have a say in your choice of ring!? Her ring is hers and yours is yours. The end.

Secondly, I would have slapped my Fiance if he tried to take my ring off my finger and then blame me for not being a fortune teller on his family’s reaction. You need to address the way he treated you asap. He needs to explain himself and give you back your original ring.

Best of luck. Keep us posted!

Post # 163
Member
7477 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Bexx:  Haha this is exactly what I was thinking…

Post # 164
Member
4037 posts
Honey bee

This is so off the wall, does anyone else think this can’t be for real?

 

Post # 165
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@booteefull:  I asked my SO about this because he is from near New Husband, and he is ASTONISHED. First of all he also has never heard of any such etiquette, and second of all he, like me, is disappointed in your Fiance for not standing up to his mother for you. Me and my Future Mother-In-Law don’t always see eye to eye and my SO does a great job of toeing the line to make us both happy without hurting either of us, but if she tried to pull this kind of thing he’d put his foot down.

Post # 166
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@booteefull:  OP, this situation is downright stupid.

Let’s review the sequence of events you posted, shall we?

You announced the engagement to the in-laws and Future Mother-In-Law was cold and made comments in front of you and Fiance that you were after his money.

Then you hear from your Fiance that Future Mother-In-Law is specifically upset that your center stone is larger than hers and so he needs to take back your ring to exchange it. I repeat, the issue of your center stone only came up via your Fiance…not words from your Future Mother-In-Law directly. This smells fishy to me.

Further, your Fiance blames you for not warning him ahead of time about some cultural thing.

All this to say I call bullshit on your Fiance. In any of this, has he shared the exact size of his mom’s center stone in which to be under for your center stone? I didn’t think so.

I think your Fiance is backpeddling on his purchase because it was too big a purchase for him, he is listening to Future Mother-In-Law that he spent too much money, he is listening to Future Mother-In-Law that you are after his money, and so he is taking back the ring to appease her and prove/test that you aren’t after his money. I don’t think this has anything to do with the size of your center stone but rather, the size of his ego, and his lie.

I’d tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

 

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