Post # 92
Wow, I would be so upest! I have never heard of any kind of “rule” like that. I really con’t belive he took your ring back to exchange it to please his mother. That is just sad, and really does not sound like the actions of a man who is ready to be a husband.
Post # 93
Wow…… leave this ass.
Like you kidding me?! My engagement ring is bigger than my MIL’s and she didn’t say a peep.
I have never heard of this… it’s ridiculous.
Post # 94
what?!?! Am I reading this correctly?!
That is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard.
Post # 95
- Wedding: July 2014 - Backyard
I am very sorry you find yourself in such an uncomfortable situation. You did nothing wrong, however.
Perhaps there were some cultural expectations on the part of his family that your ring not be larger than hers. HOWEVER, what concerns me most is that he then BLAMED YOU for not warning him about something in HIS FAMILY. He needs to understand that this is not an expecation in YOUR culture, and definitely needed to handle this differently. What other things, totally out of your control, (and possibily in his control) that go wrong that he will blame you for? Please do not let him turn his mistakes around onto you. He needs to learn how to become responsible and own his own mistakes and grow from them.
Also, I agree with many PP that this even raises a few red flags besides the shifting of blame/responsibility. Will he always defer to his family’s opinions and make you feel bad for ever disagreeing? What about respecting YOUR expectations, and not just his mothers? Think this through – especially if you plan to have children with him.
Take some quiet time without any more input and do some honest thinking about what you need and how you need to be treated.
Good luck, and hugs.
Post # 96
I mean, if he gave a damn about etiquette, he would know it is terrible etiquette to give a gift and take it back. In pretty much every culture I have heard of. To me it sounds like mom doesn’t like the OP and assumes the OP wants her son for his money. She has convinced the spineless fiance of some bullshit etiquette rule or maybe has brainwashed the OP’s fiance to believe maybe OP is out for the money so now he wants to see if she will take something not as nice as some sort of terrible test.
Post # 97
No. freaking. way. I’d run as far away from that crazy family as I possibly could. That’s going to be a miserable life if they are going to be like that. Always having to check in to make sure that the stuff you buy doesn’t outshine your MILs? Don’t be a push over, and tell him that if he wants to be with you he can’t be a mamma’s boy.
Post # 98
@Kimberley25: Yes! He should have! I think the groom messed up here.
Post # 99
@KC-2722: My family doesn’t really do demands, but, that doesn’t mean it would be easy to ignore their wishes.
My FI’s family is a bit more direct with what they expect, and I’ve worked hard to meet those expectations. They don’t give a flying F about rings, but they have other things that are a big deal to them, some of which were very new to me. I did expect my Fiance to fill me in though!
Post # 100
@joya_aspera: I’m sorry do you think it seems like I was trying to flash cash around? I feel bad by you saying that but maybe you are right. We live in New Husband and my fiance has a good job in Boston so the ring I had was the norm for our social group but Boston area rings are large. Now I feel like maybe Mother-In-Law was trying to do me a favor by keeping me from looking tacky. Her style is more subdued than mine and I admire that. I think I will set up a meeting with our pastor to talk about all this.
Post # 101
@joya_aspera: Can you share a bit more on what culture you are from or deal with because you bring up these cultural differences quite often. Perhaps if you share, we might be a bit more sensitive.
Post # 102
@joya_aspera: I think he messed up too but maybe they have a point and I shouldn’t have something that large? I appreciate your input here because you have another perspective I didn’t think through enough where it is essentially a family subculture and I should have been more mindful of that when discussing the ring.
Post # 103
@booteefull: I have no idea but maybe this is what she was thinking. The communication needs to be better though! You shouldn’t be left guessing like that, it’s really not fair to you. I think it would be helpful if either you or your FI (or both) have a good long sit down with her and get all this cleared up.
Post # 104
@booteefull: Please don’t make excuses for your FMIL’s behavior. She’s not trying to save you from looking tacky. These people are blunt enough that if that were the case, they obviously would have told you. They were blunt enough for your Fiance to take your ring away and tell you you couldn’t have it because it’s bigger than his moms.
Post # 105
@joya_aspera: +1, I think the issue is how the Fiance put the blame on a non family member.
To OP, does your Fiance regularly blame you for his mistakes? If so, that could be the sign of a bad relationship, or at the very least, communication issues. If this is a one time thing, and you were not aware of this tradition/culture, I think explaining that to the family will clear things up. Best of luck.
Post # 106
@booteefull: THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS STILL NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Maybe she was trying to do what you say, but still, your fiance bought a ring that was larger than you two had talked about. This is in no way your fault. She has a more modest style? Great! What does that have to do with you and your ring though? Please don’t accept this behavior as normal. Whether his mom is being a bitch or trying to help you out… either way your fiance did you wrong. He took away something you loved (a GIFT he got for you, not his mother) without talking to you about it first because his mommy told him to. Not cool in any culture.