(Closed) Engagement Ring in Waiting

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I would NOT suggest an ultimatum at this point. I don’t know why it’s taking 6 months, but I suggest you just ask him outright if everything’s okay and then let go.

I waited nearly three LONG months for mine. We got engaged January 4th. We picked the ring a week later. He was so excited! He ran around telling everyone just like your Fiance. Announced it to parents, friends, coworkers, etc. He was very happy! We pronounced ourselves "engaged," started planning and that was that. But there was no ring. 

I thought I’d be okay, but when I unexpectedly burst into tears Valentine’s Day I just got up the courage to ask him outright… I was starting to be afraid! I had some of your same concerns. He said he was still trying to figure out how to pay for it, so I left him alone… but still, at that point he realized how important it was to me. He said he already felt engaged, so he was not in a rush!

I knew it just wouldn’t happen until he was absolutely ready, and as long as he was still happy about us being engaged/married, I decided to just let it go. Almost immediately after I decided to do that, he told me he’d ordered the ring, and he gave it to me soon after! I’m glad he waited. It’s the same ring I picked out, but even better! I couldn’t be happier.

The bottom line is to make sure everything’s okay with the relationship, and then just let go. This step is agonizing, but it HAS to come from him. 

Best of luck! 🙂 

Post # 5
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

It’s interesting how the whole "ring thing" is… a few generations ago, people didn’t even have engagement rings, and some women never get one–just a wedding band or whatever. The engagement ring is almost a completely constructed tradition. So really, it’s how you feel about the engagement that makes a difference.

Keeping that in mind, I thought I’d be fine being engaged without a ring. And I probably would have, if I’d known right away that a ring would not be in my future. But it was–I just didn’t know when! I hated that part.

But when I got hassled by a sales clerk while buying a wedding magazine (!), I realized how insecure it made me feel. After that Valentine’s Day discussion with my Fiance, I cut back on wedding planning and quit using the word "fiance" (because he liked running around calling me that!). I don’t know if he got the hint, but it certainly helped me feel like I had more control over things, and it went a long way towards helping me let go. 

Best of luck. Be happy that your fiancé is excited and happy! If he was not wanting to talk about the wedding and still no ring etc., then you could worry. But it sounds like the ring is on its way!

Post # 7
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Here’s how I feel about them.  Like an insurance policy so to speak.  An outward sign of his FULL COMMITTMENT to you and his intent to marry.

I had a cousin who went thru this stuff..she planned a wedding without a ring from him but they just told everybody they were getting married.  The ended up breaking up and she had spent a ton of money on a dress, and on deposits for this and that.  The way I feel, at least she could have sold her ring if he went back on his promise.

I sold my wedding ring after my divorce.  It held no more emotional attachment to me and I would not want a daughter of mine to wear it..I almost felt it was cursed..(was a gorgeous 2.3 ct radiant emerald solitaire with a band of platinum and baguettes).  If my cousin had been given a nice ring, I have NO DOUBT she would have gotten rid of it and then gotten out of the wedding related debt he put her into.

I just feel that it makes things feel more permanent in my book.  It’s only my opinion though.  But I’m telling everybody here bc it upset me so badly to see her hurt AND out of alot of $$ too.

Post # 8
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

Part of being engaged (or pre-engaged) is recognizing you’re in a vulnerable spot right now. Breakup stories are especially scary to hear at this time. Don’t worry too much, focus on you and your relationship! Know that YOU will be okay no matter what happens.

I said almost the exact thing to my Fiance when we had our Valentine’s conversation–it’s not about the ring, but about what it represents. I remember after that conversation that I had to actively try and distract myself — I put the wedding magazines away and pursued my photography and read (non-wedding) books & magazines. I quit talking about the wedding.

Another aspect of that story: not long after V-day there was a death in his family. He hasn’t lost someone so close before and took it hard. He was (he said later) amazed by my constant support; I was there for him, traveled with him, spent time with family etc., etc., etc. Before then he hadn’t thought of us as that type of couple before. Sure, I was his fiancée and he certainly loved me, but he hadn’t yet internalized what constant love & support meant until then. 

A week after we got back, I found him dancing around the house. He’d ordered the ring! I don’t think there was a direct correlation between the family loss and the ring purchase, but it was then that I realized that we come to these "couple" milestones individually, and in our own way. 

What I mean to say is, this step HAS to come from him. You’ve done everything you can just by being "you," which is enough! You’ve let him know how you feel and how important it is. He’s purchased the ring and declared his love for you and is happy.

I found this article about engagement. It’s about sex, but the author mentions the pre-engagement period and how it can be stressful. It was nice to have an "expert’s" validation.

Post # 9
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Just wait, you will be glad you did.

To give you the crazy timeline, I dealt with so you don’t feel so alone.  Apr 07 — Darling Husband went Ring Browsing, Jul 07 — Purchased Ring, Jan 08 — Finally Proposed (after hiding the ring for 6 months in his ice skate!).  I  knew he bought the ring because we frequently have dinner parties and during one of them he called a couple of the guest into his bedroom (to which I wasn’t invited).  I didn’t stress over it because I knew we were going to get married, and I didn’t want to pressure him.  In January, we had the most perfect proposal, it was so us.

Look the point is, he has shown commitment to you! Sure it’s difficult to proclaim engagement without a ring, but my guess is he is making sure that everything goes perfectly (maybe a slight challenge with having only seen each other every 10 weeks).

Wedding planning can be done in very short time frames, I have been to one which was planned in under 2 weeks and it was amazing and fun.  It doesn’t matter how long you have to plan not everything will be flawless anyways! Don’t stress about a wedding into you have a solid commitment, try to enjoy the time you guys get to spend with each other which will remind you of why you want to marry him anyways.

Good Luck!

Post # 10
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I know it is harder to deal with this long distance.  I also know it must be so hard with the ring dangling out there, but not yet "real".

I guess I have a different take on this than some people, and it’s probably because I have a different relationship.  

I was ringless for the first part of the engagement.  I didn’t feel weird about it, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would get the ring at some point and make the proposal official.

We didn’t even really announce the engagement for the 1st week.  We just wanted some private time to adjust to the idea, I guess.  But, after we did go public, I just decided to wear a placeholder sterling silver band on that finger.  I got a matching one for fiance and we both wore them.  

Eventually, he got around to what most would consider the "official moment", but to me I knew the first time that he said it, he meant it… and that was enough in my book.  

I feel like when I get all worried about this kind of thing (early wedding planning), my fiance gets stressed and backs off.  When I’m in calm and accepting mode, things seem to work out just fine.  I’ve learned to stay in calm and accepting mode as much as possible!

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