Post # 47
Paying a favor forward and echoing what others said . .
Is this type of behavior an isolated incident? Or is he usually this manipulative? When I say manipulative, I mean making ‘incidents’ all because of something you did? You did something wrong, so now he’s upset. Or why are you saying such things, it’s upsetting him. This kind of stuff. Is he touchy? Demands certain ways of communicating? Tells you he’s not a mind reader? Says some of your desires are absurd?
You should know that these are often warning signs of developing abusive behavior.
To put this in a different light: He turning a concern you have into something that is all about something you did wrong, not about something he did wrong or about something he needs to do to fulfill your needs. He’s degrading your values by saying you are superficial for wanting the ring you want. He’s not listening. He’s acting sensitive and childish.
I was engaged to someone who was emotionally abusive in such subtle ways. Or we had a relationship that brought out his abusive side. Or something. I didn’t know until I ended the relationship and realized the phone ringing made me uncomfortable. Someone commented to me before I ended the engagement that my fiance was showing signs of abusive behavior (very similar to your fiance). i didn’t know they were right until I ended it. I think it was helpful someone uninvolved said something, so I’m saying it to you.
I sincerely hope this is an isolated incident, but I’m very sad to see you caving to his behavior without a real conversation on what has happened.
Post # 48
So…everytime you have a fight he’s going to post about it on Facebook?!
Think very carefully about how he handles conflict and whether or not HE thinks he handles conflict well, because he doesn’t.
Post # 49
- Wedding: January 2011 - Midland, TX
@OP: I just read this story to my DH and he said that “calling her names and saying she is being materialistic is a cop-out for him being selfish and cheap.”
Personally, I’d be pretty upset at the way he is handling all of this. Sounds like he is not very mature.
Good luck to you.
Post # 50
You guys have gotten me through the last couple of days and made me feel less alone 🙂 my fi is immature and can be very hurtful but I love him very much. I guess I jumped the gun mentioning the diamond and my dad got me a bit worked up. I didn’t mean to hurt him I don’t care about the ring anymore. The engagement/wedding ring is not something I’m excited about any longer but everything will be ok, it’s just rings. I wish I could disappear for a while. Anyway thanks everyone hope your wedding planning is going well 🙂
Post # 51
I may be alone, but I think your Fiance is totally justified in being angry. He asked you to marry him, he gave you a family heirloom, and you accepted that as a whole. Wanting to change a stone out so it “matches” another ring? (also, looking at wedding rings “for fun”? Shouldn’t you and your Fiance be doing that together?). Very shallow. Apologize and explain that you were wrong.
Post # 52
+1 this is what it sounds like to me, too.
Post # 53
I am sorry.. I think the people who are bashing you for wanting a different stone are a tad ridiculous. Sometimes, when people have their heart set for a long time on something, it is disappointing when you get another thing. I saw a friend of mine go through this. She also wanted a princess cut ring, told him a bizillion times, wanted a solitare look. He bought her a three round stones ring. She was very upset and disappointed. She said something to him also, he got nasty and mad. But, when people know that they were wrong, they get defensive. It sounds like he knew he was wrong, because he knew what you wanted and went the free route. So, he is putting his defenses up. Give it time, and he will cool down. Do I think you should love the ring you have? Of course.. Do I think you should apologize for having wanted something else and expressing your true feeling to him, ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Relationships are built on honesty. If you felt you weren’t happy with your ring, you should be able to tell your SO without a blowup fight.
I honestly would just buy a wedding band you love. One you can wear on your wedding finger. And, move the heirloom to the RH or put it away for special times… Than you are both happy. And, maybe for your 5 year wedding anniversary, he would be willing to buy you a new ring, one you wanted! Good luck..
Post # 54
I know alot of people who, when the girl was out shopping with friends or family, she browsed wedding bands for fun, without her Fiance. I did this myself too.. My now husband never cared at all. It is just looking at wedding bands. I don’t see the issue in that at all!
Post # 55
@Briarroselex: I wish I could disappear for a while.
OP, this is not a normal feeling. Please take care of yourself above all the other “it’s just rings” nonsense. With the type of communication and feelings you are describing in this thread, have you guys thought about counseling? Because it is “just rings” . .but also a symptom of your relationship. I don’t agree at all with the posters who are calling you shallow. People are allowed to have opinions about jewelry and to want things to match without being verbally attacked. Heirlooms are great as a symbol of your relationship, IF it’s a symbol of your relationship. If it isn’t, it isn’t and you shouldn’t be expected to conform to other people’s ideas of what is the ‘right’ thing to do about “just rings”.
Post # 56
I don’t feel anything is wrong with being non-traditional. I think her feelings of disappointment were valid, and clearly as time goes on, she is feeling a little better about the situation. some people are traditional and some people are non-traditional. It’s 2013, a lot of traditions have changed (sex before marriage, living together before marriage, divorces/ remarriage). just because she specifically told him what she liked, and was given something completely opposite, doesn’t mean she is materialistic. She was disappointed and upset, and I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with that, especially how her SO was handling it as well. I don’t think someone should be called materialistic for this, and its pretty rude.
Post # 57
I totally agree with you!
YOU’RE GOING TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOUR HAVE?! Your asshole of a Fiance told you that you not only didn’t deserve the crappy ring he gave you, but is also posting on facebook about your personal life. This is all just mortifying. Sounds like you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disapointment from a guy who can’t control his childlike emotions.. and the fact that he won’t even speak to you. It’s amazing what someone will settle for….
Post # 58
Depends how you see an engagement ring. Either it’s a gift- in which case the recipient would have no say. OR it’s a symbol of commitment – in which case the recipient could have say, as they are the one wearing said symbol.
I know people who fall into both camps.
Post # 59
Are you sure that your fiance is mature enough to get married? You guys need to work on your communication skills.
Post # 60
Agree w/ this. Can’t. Read this yesterday and couldn’t bring myself to comment cause my comment would have been off the chain “Flag! Flag! Flag! So he’s not talking to you now?!? This is a RED FLAG!” type of thing, ugh lol. *sads though
What’s interesting is how people don’t stop for one moment to ask themselves “has he ALWAYS been agreeable to my terms?” Has he? I fking wonder. And this question is relevant and valid. That’s great that HE values HIS heirloom. But do not push/project one’s values onto another unique individual. Shit like his behavior screams “You like what I like; accept what I accept!” Hell.To.The.No.
Really, the ball’s in OPs court; either give him back the ering and say “I’m not worth being POOLED into your value system, so I’m going to value my own worth, thankyouverymuch asshole” or deal with a life of him pressing his values/beliefs over yours. This isn’t the damn dark ages. Us women are gdamn worth a point of view, ffs.
OP, there’s nothing that says you can’t hand back the ring and say, “Hon, I love you, but pass this onto your daughter since it is a family stone. We can pick something that represents us.” If he isn’t agreeable to that fair statement, then, girl, I hope to all that is empowering that you see the red flag. No one deserves a guilt trip or manipulation or rudeness over what should be a monumental moment of equal lifelong love. Best wishes to you, OP. Be strong. Feel valued. Question everything, if you aren’t.
Post # 61
@Briarroselex: Hope you let us know how things turned out. Mature communication ON BOTH SIDES is key to working out any issue. Well wishes, girl.