Engagement ring using exes stone

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I’d be pretty annoyed too, tbh, despite the fact that the stone has a new setting. I would rather he sold the ring and used the money to get something else than repurpose something that belonged to an ex wife. I can see why it bothers you so much. 

Post # 3
Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

risalb :  Um, no.  I am completely fine with preowned rings (my ring is preowned) or heirloom rings,  I’m about as practical and non-sentimental as they come, however using the same diamond as his ex would be a massive no for me.  This ring symbolises his commitment to you, a past relationship has no place in that space. 

I don’t think the wife is even supposed to give the ring back if they went through a marriage (I may be wrong, or it may be different in different areas) so what would he have done had he not had the ring? 

I would tell him it upsets you and he should have consulted you about your feelings before using it.   Does he have children? If so, I would say save the stone for them. 

He can buy you a stone that he picks out for YOU.  

Post # 4
Member
3532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

risalb :  i don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It feels very much like sloppy seconds, given that it was his ex-wife’s. It was purchased FOR her, BY him. That seems…too close for comfort. If it was just some random second hand or vintage ring, I’d say you’re being silly. But it feels kinda crummy to be given something that was meant for his previous wife. 

Id see if you can sell the center stone. you won’t get nearly what it would cost to purchase it, but it’ll feel better and you can use that money towards a stone YOU pick out  

(That aside, I’m surprised she gave it back to him. I’m almost every state, once married, the engagement ring is the sole property of the recipient and not considered a martial asset. More likely than not, she should have kept it.)

Post # 5
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

I’m pretty practical when it comes to jewelry, don’t mind pre-owned at all, but this is a big fat no to me. I’d sell that stone and put the money toward a new one that his ex didn’t have her paws on. Gross. 

Post # 6
Member
6860 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Are you going to be happy with a much much smaller stone? You’ll get maybe 50% of retail value of the stone so that severely limits what you’ll be able to buy  for the same money.

Id keep it, especially if you have a new custom setting that you enjoy. But I’ve bought and sold diamonds and know-how little you’ll get and I wouldn’t be happy with a stone half the size just because it is ‘new’. (Diamonds are millions of years old and many are regraded having belonged to someone else. It’s rare to get an actual new diamond unless lab created).

Post # 7
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I actually love that he’s so honest with you, but we’re different people. If it bothers you, it bothers you. Don’t settle for something that you’d look at every time and feel regret. When you’re first engaged, people WILL pay a lot of attention and ask to look at the ring!

Like what catskillsinjune said, once married I would imagine the gem belongs to the ex-wife, and I’m also surprised she returned it to him.

Post # 9
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

Can you guys buy another diamond, even if lower quality, for the existing setting and use the good quality diamond for something like a pendant?

Post # 11
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is so typical of a man lol. I think that they dont place as much emotion on things as we do and they dont understand why we can be bothered about something when on paper it seems the obvious thing to do.

I would feel the same as you. I would probably rather a smaller stone and know its special to us not from his previous failed marriage. I can understand his POV he wants to give you the best and technically that involves the high quality diamond but if you explain that it’s a sentimental item for you and you want one unique to your relationship I am sure he would understand. Maybe you can part exchange it for a different one?!

Post # 12
Member
6243 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It would have been better if he’d spoken with you about it in advance so that you could say yes or no then. As jellybellynelly said- are you okay with getting a stone that is smaller or lesser quality if you decide not to use the current one?

Post # 13
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think it’ll be easier over time, but I wouldn’t like it either. Did they have a short marriage?  If so I’d have less of an issue with it

Post # 14
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee

 risalb :   If you were to start the process over and pick out your own diamond out, would you be drawn to the same cut and shape of the stone you have now?  Or would you have leaned more toward a different cut?  If you would have picked out something similar, I would give yourself time to think about it. 

He’s not emotionally attached at all, and doesn’t identify the diamond as being a part of “her.”  If he did or had any baggage there specifically, he would have traded it in at a loss. So if you can get over the idea of it too, there’s no problem keeping it.

But if it feels “tainted” to you, and that feeling doesn’t go away – it probably never will.  Where did he buy it? Some diamond sources have trade up policies that would allow him to pay either a small or a large sum of money to get the original price back that he paid which would be applied to the new diamond you selected. Consignment places might help you get a bit more value, too.

I wouldn’t blame you at all if you decided you didn’t want it. I don’t think I would keep it, unless it was my dream stone or dream specs, or dazzling finger coverage and an amazing cut in a size I wouldn’t have thought obtainable.   I think your future husband would understand that if you decide that it is not something you can be OK with.

Post # 15
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Well It’s better you found out now not later. But I totally understand why you wouldn’t want it. He should have asked you if you would mind before he had a ring maid. Do you like that stone shape & size?  Would you be ok replacing the stone down the road? Because to sell it and lose money and do it all over is going to cost more money. Maybe if you can help chip in he’d be more willing to sell it and get a different stone. But I think if it’s going to bother you to the point you don’t want to where it you should sell it.

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