- 9 years ago
I broke the engagement between my Finace’ and I. While it was happening I felt sick to my stomach. How could I do this to him, the love of my life and the supposs’ed future father of our children? We had plans! We had dreams! I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.
But I had to do it, and when all was said and done, the jitters and fear and shame and guilt that I was feeling about this entire situation seemed to lessesn just enough that I could step back and take a breath.
We had been nothing but fighting for almost two months. My job (Military) wasn’t getting any easier, and his lasck of job and full time school schedule left more than a little to be desired. We were struggling just to make enough time in the day for each other before going to bed. When we fought, it was never about anything important. How much time he spent on the computer, how much time I spent sleeping — none of it seemed important.
I didn’t realize how important it all really was. I slept all the time due to accute depression. My eating habits were blown due to my sleeping schedules, and I never had energy since I never ate. I would cry at the drop of a hat for no reason, and then get angry at myself for crying. The the guilt would hit me. I would feel bad for having said more than was needed to him about everything, and the would get angry for feeling guilt. It was a horrid cycle.
He would be on the computer for hours, and then when he wanted to spend time with me he would take me to warehouses and civic centers that were for Hax Students (un-enrolled art students who make stuff out of junkyard materials). I tried so hard to enjoy the time that he was spending with me, but I couldn’t make myself be interested. I would go to gun shows with him or try and listen as he explained computer programming stuff to me. I didnt get it, and it was hard to be interested, but I was making efforts.
My work schedule would take over my life for days. I would work, have enough time to come home and sleep and then be right back out the door for duty. I must admit that the strain and the crap that I was dealing with at work made the biggest impact on our relationship.
I broke off our engagement because I didn’t think it was fair to him to have to deal with my negative energy. I thought that if I could get him away from me that he would be able to make something more for himself. I’m not saying that I didn’t think I was good enough — I was — it’s just that at this time and this place, it seemed like the only thing that I was good at was being depressed.
He never said anything to me. He took back the ring, and walked out the door. He didn’t take any of his stuff with him, and I still haven’t seen him. The last thing that I said to him was “I just dont want to fight about anything anymore, so hold onto the ring until we figure out what’s going on in our lives.”
Did I do the wrong thing? Did I do the right thing?
((PS: I have been talking to a shrink for the past 2 weeks and have been dealing with some minor personal issues that might have colorded the relationship, but other than that it seems that many of our problems were joint, and not at all one persons fault.))