Engagement talk may have ruined my relationship

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper

If a miscommunication about ring budget could have “ruined your relationship” then you needed to do some work before moving forward with marriage anyway. Good to know now.

Take a break from ring designs and let him go do his own research on what it costs to get a decent ring. Then either do some work on your own or seek out premarital counseling to address your financial communication. Money issues can destroy relationships–figure out what you need to do to get on the same page if you want to salvage yours. 

Post # 17
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My SO is a frugal man and he ended up buying a simulated lab diamond for 1k which I was none to thrilled about but he also inherted a few gems that I love so it worked out ok. That being said he is willing to spend money on us such as a new home, new cars, and vacations. What he lacks in some areas he more than makes up in others, does your man do this? Some people just done understand spending large sums on jewelry because its not an “invenstment”, it does sound like once he started doing research he understood then that you are keeping a modest budget. 

I will tell you a story about when my SO and I bought a new sofa, he wanted real leather sectional. I had one custom made which was about 9k because it was cheaper than buying any other sectionals elsewhere that were priced at 13k. We were able to pick the leather and upgrade the cushions for cheaper than buying from a big box store. Some people need to look around in order to understand the value of certian choices. wink   Go with him and look around at some preloved settings, there is nothing wrong with it and you might be able to find something that you fall in love with but it at least shows him you are open to options, or you can see if the local jeweler has any in stock? Sometimes you can get a great deal on a preloved diamond. 

Post # 18
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

If you don’t have common budget and just splitting costs, why do you even need to discuss ring budget? Let him figure it out. I didn’t know how much my ring cost until after I was engaged. But we did go to the store and I showed him what types of settings I like and I told him that I prefer round solitaire. That was it. He then decided himself how much he was willing to spend on that rock. 

Maybe when you said it out loud at the store he was not fully committed to that amount and he felt pressured which caused his reaction

Post # 19
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Have you ever bought yourself a piece of jewelry that expensive? It IS a shocker. You should be more understanding. Not all men have prior knowledge on engagement ring prices. The price of the ring does NOT reflect a love a person feels for another. Their desire to get married to them does.

That being said, he sounds reasonable. He is frugal, and he was shocked. After the shock was over, though, it seems that he came around. Why get resentful over that? Practice gratitude. Let him know how important an engagement ring is for you, and that he is willing to get one that you will love. Ultimately, you two love each other and both will need adjustments to make it work. 

You guys should have a talk about finances. 

If his shirts bother you, give him new ones and get rid of the old ones little by little (every special occasion). Simple. It is relevant to you, not to him…

Post # 20
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

shannonkbee :  You may end up like one of the tv shows “Hoarder” if he is loath to discard even torn up clothes! Plus he embarrassed you at the jewelry store where you are well known. There was no need for that,  he could simply have asked you to speak privately..  In addition,  he has $250k sitting in the bank but thinks you should have a pawn shop ring despite knowing you want a special ring……RED FLAGS

Post # 21
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

shannonkbee :  my husband is a tightwad and at first it was no big deal since we had to keep all costs down since there wasn’t much of anything to spend. now that there’s more wiggle room he still freaks out over spending money. It can be a real problem. Seems that no matter how much or little I bring in, he always wants be to bring in more because ‘things could be better’

I love my husband, but I think you have a point that this could be a issue. Money is a big subject in a marriage.

As for your ring, there’s nothing saying a woman can’t help with the expense if you want a bigger ring than what he wants to buy, usually finances are combined anyway. I think this money thing is a subject to talk about beforeyou decide to get married

 

Post # 22
Member
661 posts
Busy bee

When you “loosely” agreed on 5k, how did that conversation go? Was it a defined and mutual “we are both comfortable spending 5k” or was it you saying “the average ring is around 6k, so let’s shoot for a little less than that”. 

If it was a very clear budget and he changed his mind, I’d be potentially a bit miffed because he didn’t communicate the plan.

If it was that you expected 5k as a reasonable budget and he had sticker shock because he thought he’d snag a 2ct diamond for 1k (which is a misconception many, many men and women who’ve never shopped for a ring before have) I’d cut him some slack. 

I just suspect there’s a whole different version of this story through his eyes. 

Post # 23
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

He probably should’ve acted a bit more maturely and not freaked out at the store like that, but it sounds like he came to his senses a bit? You said that he apologized and explained that he didn’t realize how much a ring would really cost. I understand that you were initially embarrassed and such, but is it worth trying to work through those feelings, considering his apology? Is he still willing to spend up to $5000? Sometimes people we love do things that bother us, but if you’re going to marry this person, then have a discussion about finances and work on forgiveness, no? 

Post # 24
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

My guess would be that your Boyfriend or Best Friend had sticker shock. I agree with the other bees that him freaking out at you in the jewelry store is immature and that you all should have some conversations about money (this ring specifically and how you guys each feel about spending in general). Everyone feels differently about these things; some people will only spend on things they feel are useful or an investment and people even differ on the definitions of those terms, lol. 

Also agree with the others that most guys have NO idea how much fine jewelry costs . Whereas lots of ladies have gone to James Allen or Brilliant Earth and designed our ideal ring so we have a better idea of the price tag sometimes 🙂 He may not value this type of purchase or want to spend a ton on it. While that’s understandable, the engagement process including finding the perfect ring for you should be fun! 

If it’s any reassurance, my bf had a somewhat similar freakout to your bf (although thankfully his was after we got into the car not at the actual jewelry store). He had a rough idea of how much his friends had spent but I think he thought he was somehow a better shopper and would find a better deal than that. Then, we went to a local jeweler to check out rings, and he found that even a modest ring would cost about what his friends/brothers had spent and even more. Some of his comments (about spending thousands of dollars for something “pointless”) did make me feel bad initially. I eventually realized that his comments didn’t mean I was worthless or that our relationship was worthless, just that he was having a hard time digesting the cost of a *ring*. I reassured him that we had similar goals and values financially, he researched the purchase, and we discussed the cost of the ring in context of our whole wedding budget. He ended up being a bit more open minded the next time we looked, and I ended up with a very beautiful and high quality ring. 

Good luck bee, let us know how it goes 🙂 

Post # 25
Member
10660 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

shannonkbee :  

What, exactly does ‘freaked out’ mean in the context of your bf’s jewelry store tantrum?  What did he do?

Post # 26
Member
945 posts
Busy bee

He probably has some sticker shock. Guys generally have no idea of the price tags and don’t know what they’re talking about….until they go shopping. My Fiance was shocked at the prices (we didn’t have a budget in mind when we went shopping) and told me that “it wasn’t worth the money”. Of course, I took it as “I wasn’t worth the ring” and got pretty upset, which got him upset because then he felt inadequate for not able to afford the ring I like.

After many shopping trips he got used to the idea of seeing rings being more expensive than he initially thought and even began to consider expensive ones as “normal”, and actually started considering those that are out of immediate budget. Until I stopped him and agreed to get a cheaper one because I really didn’t want to see him getting stressed out trying to pay it off later. 

Post # 27
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee

Why is it 50/50? Do you have half a million sitting in a bank too? If not, that is not a fair split AT ALL.

Post # 28
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2017

shannonkbee :  WOW! If that’s what he’s like as a fiancée, he will not be different as a husband. Ladies, we need to be honest with ourselves, stop giving in to society’s rules and expectations and get real with our own. Realistically, if he has half 0.5m in his account, $5000 should not be an issue for him. I know he sounds like a prude, but this is a once in a lifetime gift, and he has the means!!

It feels a lot to me like he’s constantly looking out for no.1. ‘What if it doesn’t work out, and I’ve spent all this money on her?’ That’s what it sounds like to me. I wouldn’t accept that. What about your birthday dates? 50/50? That sux.

Post # 29
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It sounds like you two have very different views of finances which is an issue. If he is not used to spending money, 5K is a lot for a ring. How much does he spend on other items? 

Remember, the e-ring is a gift from him. It seems a little much to insist that someone has to spend more money on a gift to show that the other person is important to them. More money means he loves you more? 

I think one of the biggest concern in this scenario is that you and he had poor communication on the dollar amount and then had poor communication in the store regarding the dollar amount. Is this poor communication an ongoing issue?

My Darling Husband had certainly never bought a piece of jewelry before that was that expensive. He drives an old, budget car and spends almost nothing on clothes. He spend much less than 5k, but the amount he spend was a lot for his spending habits. My Darling Husband could afford more theoretically, but he is also a saver. Sure I would have not complained if he had spent more, lol. However, I know it was from the heart. 

It sounds like you really have to decide if you two have the same goals in life. Maybe you really are financially incompatible. 

Post # 30
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

very weird, he’s so wealthy but 5k is too much for an ering? hmmmmm

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