Engagement to come soon… mom is very involved and stressing me out

posted 7 months ago in Engagement
Post # 17
Member
1421 posts
Bumble bee

cupcake09 :  Hey, you’re going to be ok.

But, I think you need to do what you can to get yourself out of your parents’ home. I know you probably don’t want to hear this and there’s a lot of cultural issues surrounding their behavior, but your parents (particularly the mom) are being manipulative and abusive. Trying to break up your relationship, lying to others in the family about you, and harrassing your boyfriend when you don’t listen to her is abusive, whatever your culture is.

Is there any chance of you moving out (even to a studio or something) right now? Maybe tell your parents you want to practice running a household on your own/without help for a little. Or something like that. Also, get your own phone plan so she can’t find your boyfriend’s number or cut off your phone service (if you’re worried about that).

Also, let her know that you want to enjoy this time leading up to the engagement and don’t want to worry about planning or buying anything until after you are engaged. You could also tell her a white lie and say that in your boyfriend’s family it is customary for the groom to pick out his ring with his father (or mother, or brother, or whoever who is not your mom).

Post # 19
Member
1421 posts
Bumble bee

cupcake09 :  In that case, goodluck!

Try to keep wedding talk to a minimum by saying you would rather wait until it’s official to plan anything (even the engagement party). Or say that you’d rather wait until you’re done with school to think about it because you don’t want it to affect your focus for school. I would still suggest a separate phone plan to keep your boyfriend’s contact info private.

Post # 21
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

You need to stop letting your mother invade and control your life, whatever it costs. She will only get worse with the wedding and really, really worse if you have children. You only get one life, and it would be nice if you got to live it yourself.

Also, you get one wedding; that’s where you get legally married. The other one is a party or something, but it’s not a wedding.

Post # 23
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

I think the compromise is a good idea. Let her have her engagement party but tell her you want you and your bf to have the wedding ye want as that’s how it will be going forward in your life. Maybe you could tell her she can have the engagement party in early July so it wont interfere with your bf’s proposal plans?

Post # 24
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

cupcake09 :  all the best to you! After reading through the other comments maybe I was too quick to say this might be a typical Desi situation. Now I think maybe living at home might be the bigger issue to fix since generally in Indian culture you’re not regarded as an adult until you’re married or at least living on your own. But it looks like you’re already working on that :). I think a compromise for the engagement function / puja is a great idea. If nothing else, you can always just say “all this is affecting your grades and schoolwork so please just stop”. I think Most desi parents will understand that language the most ;). Good luck with the talk, and I hope your family doesn’t scare your Boyfriend or Best Friend away. You two will learn to work through it, I promise. Just try not to badmouth your family to him too much and don’t badmouth your Guy to your family too much when you’re annoyed with either of them. I’ve learned first hand the power of bad first impressions. They take a long time to repair, believe me.

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